How To Recognize Your Date’s Avoidant Attachment Style

“I can’t wait for our next night together, I’ve had so much fun and you’re so sweet!”

My previous date would always say before leaving my place.

We had great fun together, sure. But he would never stay over for the night. I never really knew if and when there would be the next time, and never felt it was “cool” to ask.

It was fun and all, but many times I was left with a suspicion that perhaps I wasn’t nice, pretty, or sexy enough. It felt like he couldn’t get so much of me at a time. That he needed to escape eventually.

Other times, it was evident that he was so much into me, that all those thoughts seemed silly. He would text me all night telling me how much he missed me, eventually planning our next date.

I would then laugh at myself for ever doubting such things and get back to see him. Even if I knew that I would still have the same experience the next time, and the next time again.

It was as if he was giving me enough attention just to keep me on the hook.

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Dating, building, and maintaining a relationship is never easy.

It could seem even less so with someone that has an avoidant attachment style, like in my example.

Especially when you have the opposite style (anxious attachment) with completely different intimacy needs, you can often feel rejected.

When you have different basic interpretations of closeness or intimacy from your partner, you could feel rejected even when you are not, or vice versa. What is “normal” for you may be too much for the avoidant; or the way they express intimacy doesn’t meet your expectations. And if you pressure them too hard, they might run away.

So it is important to spot the avoidant style as soon as possible to avoid misunderstandings and, perhaps, understand if you actually want to keep dating the person.

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An important mental shift can also help your thinking. Once you know this is how s/he is, you will no longer wonder: “why is s/he behaving so distant?” “Did I do something to make her/him push me away?”

And you’ll now acknowledge: “This is just the way s/he is. S/he is not comfortable with this closeness (yet).” This is not about you. It’s about how your partner is, and how you can both deal with it to make it work.

We have genetically determined characteristics and tendencies that differ from individual to individual, in both physiologic and psychological terms. Throughout millennia, as a species we humans learned to evolve in as many diverse forms as possible. This diversity ensures that, under unexpected environmental changes, at least some would be able to adapt and survive.

This is to say that there are no bullet-proof handbooks to understand psychology. Everyone may manifest their attachment style through different specificities.

But here are some of the most common signals to help us interpret the puzzling behaviors and spot the avoidant attachment style.

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1. Sends mixed signals

Sometimes s/he calls you a lot, sometimes not at all. Just when you feel you are connecting, “getting” each other more and more, s/he distances him/herself again. S/he is at times aloof, other times vulnerable.
Doesn’t make his/her intentions clear, keeps you guessing. It may take a long time, if ever, for the avoidant to say “I love you”; s/he has difficulty talking about feelings, or what is going on between you.
S/he often talks about his/her own plans for the future without mentioning where you would fit.

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2. Values his/her independence greatly

It will take a long time for the avoidant to decide to get into a serious relationship. And even when it happens, s/he may have a different interpretation of what a relationship exactly entails.
Your partner reminds you frequently of his/her need to have his/her own space. In the beginning, it can be hard to guess where exactly is the boundary: s/he doesn’t invite you to his/her place and prefers yours; s/he wants to see you but won’t merge your lives.
S/he needs to still have an autonomous social life with HIS/HER friends or family; S/he needs time to do his/her own activities.

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3. Uses emotional/physical distancing strategies

Emotional distancing: s/he devalues you or previous dates/partners, even jokingly; picks up on minor physical aspects to diminish you. This is a strategy to convince him/herself that it would be no big loss if things didn’t work out.
Physical distancing: s/he prefers to sleep separately even after spending the whole evening together; has a hard time accepting or never proposes to move in together even after being in a relationship for many years. Prefers going for trips, making plans alone. After an argument, s/he needs to go out alone, otherwise s/he will explode.
When his/her plans include you, these are left unclear: when exactly you will move in together; when you would make that vacation together; when you can expect anything from your partner.

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4. Has unrealistic view of romantic relationships

S/he longs for a perfect love story one day in the future, but is unclear about what that entails, and makes limited efforts to make the current relationship work;
S/he idealizes a past relationship but is unclear about what went wrong, and decides that s/he will “never feel the same” for another person as for his/her ex again.
S/he fears being taken advantage of by a romantic partner: people are ready to drag them into marriage or take financial advantage of him/her.
S/he has a rigid definition of relationship: strong preference for certain “types” of partner based on strict physical aspects; knows that s/he won’t get married, and will live in separate houses; makes generalized observations: “all men/women want …”, “after you get married, things change on you”.

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These are some of the most common signs of the avoidant attachment style. But it is best not to focus on one or a few symptoms when assessing a person’s style.

The general principle is to rely more on the combination of all behaviors. In the end, you want to understand if your partner wants, or makes the effort to include you in his/her life. What would make sense at the beginning of a relationship may not apply after a few years of being together.

For example, if s/he refuses to move in together, s/he may have an understandable reason. It can be helpful to see if s/he arranges other plans to share experiences or spend time with you.

Sometimes we also want to ignore these signs or avoid analyzing our relationship in too much detail.

But knowing that s/he is “avoidant” will only help you build and maintain the relationship better.

Next time you are puzzled by your partner’s behavior and feel rejected, ask yourself: “Is this about me, or is this just the way s/he is?”

Love, Jessica

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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