How To Reconcile After Cheating

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When most people think of cheating, they don’t imagine much of a future for the relationship, and it’s easy to see why. For most couples, infidelity is one of the worst acts of dishonesty one can take.

So is it possible to reconcile after cheating, and is it possible to come out being closer than ever? While it’s difficult, the answer is yes. Whether you cheated or your partner cheated, here’s how one can reconcile after cheating.

The Cheater Needs To Take Responsibility

One reason why marriages fall apart after cheating is because the cheater doesn’t seem to grasp what they’ve done. Some may give an empty apology, or shift the blame.

For example, the cheater may start blaming their partner for cheating, citing a lack of intimacy or other reasons why they feel the partner made their marriage fall apart. Or, they may say the person they cheated with was manipulative and they didn’t know what they were doing. Some may even blame a more intangible concept, such as saying their cheating was due to a midlife crisis.

Even if there’s truth to it, in the end, the cheater was the one who did that. They need to admit to it and show they are guilty. One way forgiveness can come is if, as the cliche goes, actions speak louder than words.

Seek Couples Therapy ASAP

Think of a relationship that’s been ravaged by cheating as someone who has been critically injured. You wouldn’t hesitate on sending that person to a hospital, so why hesitate on this? It’s important for you to go to a therapist as soon as possible.

One reason for that is because emotions are running high. When both parties are emotional, it can be hard to have a productive conversation. A therapist is a neutral party who can help to repair the broken parts of your relationship.

One thing is that a therapist doesn’t take sides. While they will encourage the cheater to take responsibility and try to make things right, they’ll help the partner understand what happened and try to humanize the cheater a little. This isn’t to excuse their actions, but rather to explain them. Couples therapists have dealt with many people who have been on the rocks, and they’ve saved marriages that may have been in worse straits than you have.

Couples therapy can also help to establish boundaries. When your spouse is angry at you, you can expect some yelling and choice words, but there should be boundaries. Verbal abuse, or even physical abuse, is never okay, even if there was infidelity involved.

Finally, therapy can help to improve the marriage and improve the reasons why the cheating may have occurred. For instance, couples therapy can help you to restore intimacy and communication, two factors that can lead to infidelity if not checked.

With time, you’ll see the therapist less, usually to update and check for any problems. With that said…

It Takes Time

Even if you’ve gone to therapy, it’s not going to patch the marriage up completely. This is a healing process, and everyone heals differently. For the cheater, it may be frustrating. If you’ve cheated on someone, apologized, tried to make things right, and months later the spouse is still bringing it up, you may feel frustrated.

One popular phrase that’s used a lot goes something like this. Trust can take years to build, but only seconds to destroy. Don’t think of cheating as a scrape to one’s foundation of trust. In many cases, it’s blown a huge hole in it. Everyone forgives and forgets at their own pace, and having patience is always important. Many people may end their relationship just because they’re tired of feeling guilt-tripped for what they’ve done. Take responsibility.

Remember, your partner doesn’t owe forgiveness. It can happen if you show you’ve changed and you’re willing to commit, but not everyone forgives the same way. Some people may never forgive you, and while it does disappoint you, it’s just a part of life.

Show Trust Any Way You Can

One way you can begin to rebuild some trust is to show your trustworthiness. Don’t think of trust as big actions, but instead look at some smaller steps you can take to show it. What do we mean? Well, if you say you’re going to take the trash out, do it ASAP. If you tell your spouse you’re going to cook a certain meal tonight, cook that exact meal. Being consistent and staying true to your word is one way you can reconcile after a relationship.

Usually, this involves some form of vulnerability, too. Show that you’re completely open and show your emotions. This can help your spouse to realize that indeed, you’ve changed, and that’s a good thing in everyone’s book.

We’re not saying you have to make joint Facebook profiles, but be a little more open and vulnerable with your partner after the relationship has been rocked by an affair.

Sometimes, It’s Best You End the Relationship

With that all said, if you say “I cheated on my boyfriend, and he still hasn’t forgiven me years later,” and you’ve tried all you can, maybe the relationship isn’t meant to be. Some couples can reconcile after cheating, but there are some relationships where years later, the relationship feels like a zombie. It’s never fully recovered.

It may be best for both parties to end the relationship. Going into the next relationship, you can learn your mistakes and try to make a relationship that is free of infidelity.

Conclusion

Recovering from cheating is not easy. If you look at the statistics, only about a quarter of married couples try to reconcile after an affair has happened. This number is halved if the people are not married. However, it’s not impossible. It takes three Ts: time, trust, and therapy, to help the marriage repair itself cheating has happened.

It is possible to reconcile, but you have to act fast.