How to Reconnect with a Dismissive Avoidant Partner After Conflict

Do you want to know something that sounds ironic? Have you felt like getting into a disagreement with your partner isn’t the worst part of the conflict?

When we get into dysfunction without a partner, it feels like the whole relationship is crumbling, and there are times when you are not even discussing the original topic of conflict.

To build on that thought, you don’t know how to approach your partner to resolve the conflict.

Boom, a little tiff has turned into relationship turmoil, and it feels like you are walking on a tightrope, trying your best not to fall.

You’re not alone if you feel this way. Resolving conflict with your partner can feel more strenuous than any issue you’ve dealt with.

Think about it. Returning to the rainbows and roses of the relationship is hard when you aren’t at peace.

It’s hard with any partner, but this challenge can be one of the more triumphant feats when you are dealing with a dismissive avoidant.

It feels like your avoidant partner becomes instantly disconnected and wants nothing to do with you in these moments, but there is a recipe to move past the “brick wall” you think your partner is putting up.

Sometimes, you want to give up, but let me show you how to reconnect with your partner and set a peaceful path forward.

…

The old clock

When you read my articles, I repeat a message to teach you about avoidants: respect their need for space.

While we all know avoidants need space, receive the message correctly.

When I talk to clients, they think “respecting avoidant’s need for space” means backing off and waiting for them to return.

That might feel like the right thing to do, but it generally comes at the cost of your mental health.

You feel abandoned, disconnected, and worthless to your partner.

When I urge you to respect the need for space from your partner, some guidelines and boundaries need to be in place before that happens.

To set the stage for peaceful reengagement, your partner cannot leave without knowing how to return.

It is non-negotiable.

Your partner needs to know what the conflict is about, how you feel, and a timetable for processing.

It sounds like something you have attempted before, but there is a recipe for your avoidant partner being more receptive.

The core of the conflict has to be the discussion topic, not the culprit. You cannot blame your partner, but keep the central issue at the forefront.
“Our connection isn’t strong when we don’t take the time to listen to each other’s day-to-day problems”.
How you feel cannot be accusatory. Hopefully, your partner unintentionally did something. Your feelings are about the conflict.
Your partner can take time, but it has to be defined to help you self-soothe and regulate any anxiety.

The stage

I don’t want to trigger anyone and give you a flashback to a disagreement you had in the past.

Do you want to know something most of us struggle with when disagreeing with our partner?

Remember the peaceful, lovely voice we have when talking when everything is going well? Somehow, it disappears when we are going at it with our partner.

Your approach to your avoidant partner will set the stage for how they will respond.

I am not telling you to be an angel and be graceful when upset. I understand it’s nearly impossible to keep your composure.

There is language and tone you want to avoid in your initial approach, and if you don’t use it, I guarantee you will get a negative reaction.

You cannot be confrontational. It is a trigger for the avoidant, and your partner will not feel safe engaging with you.

Give your partner a preview that you want to talk through what has been on your mind. You might have seen it in the past, but approaching an avoidant out of the blue or approaching them with what appears to be an outburst, they will instantly shut down.

A “preview” is as simple as stating the issue from a central, nonaccusatory stance and setting a time for thought sharing.

Rinse, wash, repeat

Sometimes, it feels like you have to pull the answers out of an avoidant or identify emotions for them that they might not recognize.

Guess what? You’re right.

I know it is frustrating, but your partner is processing emotions they have struggled with or didn’t react well to in the past.

Do you know what makes it worse? When you have a partner who makes it worse by rubbing it in and not showing support when you realize it.

Avoidants need reassurance in a different form. They don’t need to hear that their pace is acceptable as long as they take accountability.

It is ok, for now, to take time to process as long as you return to the table ready to talk.

It is ok, for now, to need a moment to reflect on how a conflict made you feel as long as you can engage with my emotions too.

I can go on and on about what you should accomplish here, but the positive reinforcement will draw the avoidant in instead of pushing them away.

I know it feels like your partner wants to dodge conversations with you at all costs, but at the center of this, is a partner who doesn’t know how to so they avoid the conflict.

Show your partner grace and they will slowly be drawn to you.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***