How to Replace Blame With Honesty in Your Relationships

Hi, Phil and Maude here. This week several things happened that illustrate an important aspect of experiencing peace within relationships.

MAUDE: My older son and his wife just purchased a condo in Mammoth. They decided to celebrate that with the family and invited us all up there for the holidays (a neighbor volunteered their condo next door for the overflow). I was excited for them, and thrilled to get to spend a few days with everyone together, cozy in the snow, in such a beautiful place. A few days after this announcement, Phil came to me and told me that he had been thinking about it, and had decided that he wasn’t going. He shared his reasons and thoughts. I won’t go into that here, as he can speak on that for himself.

That brings me to our topic for today. First, let me share my inner response to Phil’s decision. I felt shock and needed to withdraw alone so as not to react from the first pure emotions without reflection. And I had strong emotional reactions. I felt a deep sadness, similar to grief and loss. There was even a sense of heartbreak.

What I have learned is that, when I have strong responses to interactions in our relationship, it is important for me to look inside myself. It is an opportunity for me to understand myself better and to find out what is happening within me. It gives me a chance to process my feelings and see what is moving me. It also makes it very clear that whatever I am feeling and thinking, it is about me and not about Phil. This stops me from focusing on him, his words or actions.

This is true for any deep relationship. So often, when people have strong responses, they speak without this action of looking within. The results are fraught with the path to blame, anger, recrimination, and disappointment. The charge of the feelings gets shot at the other person, instead of providing fertile ground for self-inquiry and realization.

Another important aspect of this way of responding is that once you learn what is happening inside you and what is really important in the situation for you, you can communicate this information to the other person. For both Phil and me, it is paramount to be honest with each other and to share how we feel. The path to this kind of honesty and communication comes from first finding out what that is, owning it, and then sharing that in an open and loving manner.

Knowing that my responses and feelings are mine and that they are about me and not Phil, creates an important part of the peace and calm that we feel in our relationship.

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PHIL: One of the things that happened this week was a conversation between Maude and I about lack of sex. She had just had cataract surgery, and one of the requirements was no exertion for a period of time so as not to raise her blood pressure, and that caused a certain intentional inhibition of sexual desire in me that she picked up on and read as a kind of separation. She described it as an uncomfortable feeling, as if there was a disturbance in the force, but really didn’t know what was bothering her. So she talked about this with me, I explained that I was being cautious for her health, and poof, the ambiguity was resolved.

Another thing happening is an extended Christmas visit to Mammoth. I’m a Grinch, I’m not big on socializing, and the consumer orgy of present-giving freaks me out. The more I reflected on this, the more that staying behind for three solitary days of meditation, walking, and writing spoke to me. I answered that voice and declined the invitation. Maude was sad and disappointed, and is still working on her own inner understanding of what this meant to her.

The point of these stories is how we deal with events that bring up feelings for us. The first thing to do is to look at the feelings, dig deep, and find bedrock, the place from which you can speak your truth. Then you can bring this to the other person, you can show them your self, you can be real. What you haven’t done is to say they are responsible, that they are the cause of how you feel. There is no blame; instead, you invite empathy and understanding. When the other person can also examine any feelings that come up and similarly offer those, a meeting of souls can occur. That’s not a word I commonly use, but I am trying to describe an experience of contact that goes beyond the verbal; it is the sense of the other person.

This is what Maude and I have always done, and every time, we have found our way to a place of peace. That consistency has made it easier each time to trust that, whatever is going on with me, I will be heard. It is still, after all these years, an amazing way to reach connection, starting from what can feel like exactly the opposite place.

Reading Corner

Here are some of our previous posts on honesty.

How Honesty Leads to Trust in Your Relationships “A relationship that is grounded in the experience of peace is a powerful support for your growth and well-being. It is so far removed from the fears and blockages that interfere with your happiness and ability to actualize your potential that it seems almost magical. It feels both extraordinary and absolutely natural. It seems to require no effort to relate in that space, to feel the sense of the connection; to feel the other person and know where to meet them. There is a strong pull in that direction. Peace is very attractive, and peaceful connections are fulfilling and alluring.”

How Total Honesty Makes For Harmonious Relationships “Total honesty is a major part of a harmonious relationship. Holding back in the sense of not presenting yourself totally means that you are not quite yourself when you’re with the other person. That produces a force that makes you want to be away from the relationship and find 100% of yourself again, even if you don’t act on it. Everybody has that need, even if it is buried deeply. To be in a relationship with total honesty is to be free of needing to scratch that itch. That might sound scary and risky. Are you going to be criticized or thought less of? At first, that’s a distinct possibility; you have to reveal yourself progressively to see what happens. Not everybody wants or can handle honesty. You have to get to know their attitudes and level of acceptance.”

Why is Total Honesty Important in Your Relationship? “One aspect is clear. In order to practice total honesty in your relationship, you need to feel safe and secure. What are we referring to when we refer to total honesty? Let’s first clear up some of the things it is NOT. It is not spewing forth the total contents of your mind at your partner. It is not an accusation fest, where you settle blame for what you are feeling on your partner. It’s not sharing a long list of what your partner should do and can change to make you happy in the relationship. Total honesty arises from working on yourself. You have to know yourself in order to share that with your mate. It starts by recognizing that what you’re feeling is about you and should not to be projected on the other person. You must come to understand that resolving conflicts is not about changing the other person, but rather looking at what the resistance on your side is about. The more information you glean about yourself, and what you are feeling and why, the closer you will come to being able to communicate with total honesty.”

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Originally published at https://philandmaude.substack.com.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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