How to Respect Each Other’s Separateness While Being Together

MAUDE: The word respect has been resounding in my head at various points during this week. It’s one of those juicy words that we all attach different meanings to. Yet, it is also a very basic element of peace within relationships. For Phil and me, one part of expressing that is respecting the other person’s separate life; their individual wants and needs, thoughts and feelings, comings and goings.

I don’t try to alter him to be more like me, to see or do things the way I do. As we mentioned last week, we do look for mutuality of action, seeking to find something that fits what both of us want or need. And we find rich abundance in the differences we each bring, as well as being strengthened by the similarities.

This peaceful way of interacting is also a matter of respect for the other person; a respect that has to be applied in any relationship: romantic ones, friendships, and family relations. All these connections are improved when you honor each other in this way. It requires that you don’t try to make the other person into your image of them. Don’t trespass inside them. You open yourself, so that they feel relaxed, and you can get to know them. It encourages a reciprocal opening up and is a result of being treated in this way. They realize they don’t have to defend themselves. They don’t have to protect their person. We all want to feel free to share who we are honestly. One of the great factors for making something like that happen is treating each other with respect for our separate identities.

In well-balanced relationships, there is a separate life that each person leads, and at the same time, and this can sound like a paradox, a shared life. When that is honored and celebrated, you have a kind of respect shown that is not a formality, but rather a deeply felt kinship between the people.

The qualities of such a form of respect illustrate admiration, empathy, an understanding for the other person and where they are at. It takes time to build such a connection, and awareness and attention to maintain it.

PHIL: Maude suggested we talk about respect, and started the conversation by talking about respecting the other person’s separate life. They have individual things that go on. To quote her:

In our case, each of us has an ongoing separate life. Actually, we share it with each other. Like, anything of meaning, I tell you about, or we might talk about it, but we’re not in each other’s everythingness.

I also think of it in terms of equality. It’s just two people meeting. There is a sense of being equals, but I don’t think in terms of equality in any area. How good are you at changing light bulbs, having emotional relationships, or whatever else? To look at inequalities would be to think that Maude has this strength, and I’ve got that strength, and how do they trade off. We don’t do any measuring because the sense that we have is that what we’re looking at is immeasurable. Yet at the same time, I look at Maude and admire her talents.

The issue of not trying to change the other person is really important. It means that I can be myself without needing to be a certain way or hide some part of myself, and that creates a wonderful feeling of relaxation. It means that I can express myself without reservation; I don’t need to censor my thoughts. It’s not that we dive deep over every mealtime, but the ability to do so creates a very intimate and easy connection between us that coexists with my sense of self. We are one and two.

This dance we have between connection and independence happens so organically that it must happen by more than just words, because we are seldom explicit. I think we read each other’s body language, mood, and bids for attention (à la Gottman), and automatically adjust because we are comfortable in both spaces, the one and the two.

We all are both connected and separate at the same time. It’s hard to hold two such different ideas at once. Is light a wave or a particle? Come on, make your mind up! But life is not constrained by simplistic logic, so immerse yourself in your relationships and at the same time, respect their independence.

Reading Corner

Here are some of our previous posts on this topic.

Why Respect is Important for a Happy, Loving Relationship “Respect is almost an old fashioned word. We don’t speak of it often. And yet, it is one of the cornerstones of happy loving relationships. It is what we offer when we accept another’s individuality. Not just accepting, but honoring their uniqueness. We show respect by the way we treat each other: by our tone of voice, our willingness to listen, to accept the inevitable differences of personality and behavior. We show it by our love and our kindness; by the empathy we feel and the warmth, safety and comfort we give. Respect starts with empathy — from being able to put ourselves in another’s shoes. The more we can identify with them, the more this can happen. The further away from our family, the less we identify with people, and the further away from our own species, the less we identify. Polar bears beat snail darters, and we identify with plants and rocks even less.”

Why Respect is the Small Word With Big Importance in Relationships “A less frequently talked about, but equally important aspect of peaceful harmonious relationships, is respect. Respect need not be based on accomplishments or be earned. It is something we offer arising from an awareness of our kindred nature. We offer respect for each other’s uniqueness, individuality, and commonality. It is easiest to practice respect within our deepest and most intimate relationships. This is the arena in which we learn how to do this; where we can feel assured of sharing the same values, and of feeling loved and safe, making respect easier to offer. As we learn to be respectful, and to come from that premise, we will slowly be able to spread this aspect of peaceful relating to those with whom we do not share meaning and value. Even when this is the case, we share all the most basic characteristics, even with those who have not yet learned to act in a respectful manner.”

Do You Show Love and Respect in Your Relationship? “We were at one of our groups discussing relationships with a woman who is in a happy marriage of 53 years. She shared her thoughts that it is the seemingly simple things that make a marriage work. She felt that often relationship success can come down to partners speaking with respect, love and kindness in their tone of voice, and that this creates an environment for loving interactions. She asked if we have noticed how some people speak with each other, and how disrespectful, even denigrating their approach to their partner is. It was her contention that this behavior leads to many of the problems people have. We have to agree. We have seen it too frequently. One partner will be dismissive and often critical in words and tone of voice. This seems to create a defensive posture in the partner being treated this way, and often sets up an argumentative tone in the relationship, or at the very least a passive-aggressive response in the partner. How does this happen with partners who love each other and have chosen to be together? And even more important, how can this be changed?”

Originally published at https://philandmaude.substack.com.