I know the feeling most people go in with as they read my articles. You want to fast forward to a day when you or your partner works through their attachment style transition, and you live happily ever after.
Be mindful. It is a process, and you cannot leap to the top of the mountain without experiencing the hike, aka the development during the transition.
Don’t worry. For those who have not read many of my articles, I do not write for people not engaging with their transition and the changes they need to make.
There are no free passes for anyone here.
You might feel like the work is the responsibility of the person who needs self-improvement, but it is not a solo job.
You need a system to work with your partner and understand how to communicate effectively.
One pillar of effective communication is understanding how to respond.
Conversations go off the rails when someone is not in control of their emotions, but it can go even farther off the tracks when someone does not know how to navigate those moments.
That’s what I am here for!
I write because I have had to navigate these moments after past failed attempts. No, you are not alone.
Let’s work on a system for you and your partner.
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The tornado
One of the frustrating things anxious-preoccupied people live with is the whirlwind of emotions that cycle through their minds.
The part you need to be hyper-aware of is that it isn’t only the whirlwind of emotions, but it is being overwhelmed with the weight.
An AP needs to offload feelings to feel like they are removing the pressure and weight.
While this initial information is pretty intuitive and easy to understand, there is another layer to it.
When you don’t have a communication system, you begin to take on the weight of what your partner is offloading.
Now we have a fracture.
You become less responsive and readily available to listen, and your partner hesitates to share.
Do you want to know what comes next? The outburst.
As the partner of an AP, we have to combat the possibility of the outburst before it arises.
It feels like a load to carry when your partner wants to express what’s on their mind, but you have to give them the space and opportunity to do so.
Remember, there are no free passes here. Your partner offloads emotions to you because they need to feel like they can trust you.
It sounds counterintuitive, but the more your partner feels they can share with you, the less they will feel the need to do it.
The bomb
Let’s snowball off the last bullet point and carry over some notes and pieces.
We want to prevent outbursts and build trust.
You might feel like your partner is dropping a bomb or catching you off guard, but the AP’s mind does not work like yours.
Emotions and feelings are instantaneous, and the AP wants to resolve them in the moment.
For example, if you are frustrated by something, you might put the thought to the side and backlog it for later.
The AP can’t let it go and push it to a backlog. The reason it feels like a bomb is that APs process in real time.
Your approach has to be working with your AP partner to get to the root cause.
I say it jokingly, but you have to do a root cause analysis like you would for a project.
Ask questions and search for details until you get to the root.
We look at emotions at a base instead of where they stem from. Sure, your partner could express that they’re sad. There are more layers to peel back.
Your partner is sad because they feel lonely. That makes them feel isolated or abandoned.
The next time your partner expresses a base emotion, you should ask questions that peel the layers back.
“When you’re sad, is it better when I am present, or do you want to be alone?” “Do you feel more powerful when I am present and you get to open up?” and keep peeling.
Revisit
We don’t want to beat a dead horse, but the last step is crucial.
Your mind can eliminate an issue when you feel like you talked through a situation.
Again, the AP mind works in different ways. Although they talk about an issue, a new feeling can arise when they think about it again or look back.
An AP will look back and think about it again.
You cannot close the door when an AP wants to revisit a conversation that you thought came to a close.
Remember, there are no free passes. Your partner needs to regulate their emotions and learn how to close the case.
The same method works here as it did in the first bullet. When you allow an AP space to revisit issues, the less they will need to do it.
You are building trust.
It can feel overwhelming when an AP revisits a conversation you had days ago, but they need to feel like they can be vulnerable and vent to work through what’s on their mind.
Don’t close the door on revisiting conversations, or the AP will create a backlog of things they can’t talk to you about.
What happens when you create a backlog in your mind? The words “you always, never, won’t” come out, and we revert to the outburst phase.
Keep the door open, and remember that allowing this to happen decreases the likelihood of future events.
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While breaking this down in an article is impossible, I have plenty of material on APs that will give you more insight.
I am also available for 1:1 coaching sessions (75/hr). Reach out at [email protected] or through Instagram Here.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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