How To Set Expectations When You’re the Thoughtful One

You’ve seen it time and time again. You’re always making plans. You’re the first to text. You remember their birthday when they constantly forget yours. You’re going above and beyond and they’re simply… slacking.

Now bring compassion into the mix. You remember they’re a human and they might be going through something. You reach out with compassion perched on your shoulder. They appreciate this. But they don’t put in any action to actually vocalize they’re struggling or make even a glimpse to change their behavior. Even worse, they become chronic apologizers as they commit the same relationship crimes over and over again. “Sorry I never texted you back” “Sorry I forgot your birthday” Ugh, the list goes on and you start to think to yourself, “Is this relationship worth it?”

I am a thoughtful person. I say this because it’s partly a method of protection and partly because it’s engrained in me to consider others around me. My thoughtfulness in many ways is a trauma response. I was in situations of my life where someone took advantage of me, or excluded me, or consistently forgot about something that was important to me. Again, looping in Miss Compassion, instead of holding grudges over these people, I started to learn how to protect my energy and prioritize how I interact with the people who matter to me.

I knew I wasn’t the only one who was feeling this way. In fact the reason I started writing this story is because a friend blew me off with no explanation and completely avoided conversation for over a week. As a result, I channeled my annoyance into exploration. There’s no way I am the only one feeling this way. So I decided to post a little questionnaire on Instagram. I asked my friends if they’ve ever felt like they’re the ones who are pulling more weight in a relationship and how that makes them feel/how they cope.

I was not surprised by the responses I got. People talked about filling up their own cup and setting boundaries. And then a thoughtful friend went above and beyond by saying, “Can we talk on the phone about this?”

My high school friend Amanda reached out to me and we reconnected over the phone. I always considered her a very generous and thoughtful friend. I was very curious to hear where in her life she felt like reciprocation was lacking.

Amanda began to describe to me a few scenarios. One including the friend who takes the advice (but just not from you). When a friend is down or going through something, what do you do? Amanda likes to give insight, advice and coping strategies to help this kind friend out. But she has found that often this type of person will only take the same advice is it comes from a “qualified” figure (mom or therapist for example), even when Amanda’s advice is identical.

“Sometimes they’ll do it, or it’s in one year out the other”

She continues by saying it, “makes you feel like you’re being dismissed — that the input or suggestions not valid — it makes me feel bad” And in other cases for Amanda, she finds herself going the extra mile to make sure her friends are taken care of: whether it’s text messages, little gifts or thoughtful gestures. But when she doesn’t feel that reciprocation she can’t help but wonder, “Why am I putting time and effort into people when they don’t care about me?”

And these experiences aren’t just in friendships, but in romantic partnerships as well. Amanda described to me a recent experience that rang so true, I couldn’t help but shake my head on her behalf. The classic new dating, shit commitment scenario: breadcrumbs. She was always planning the dates and hangouts. He wasn’t showing up on time or canceled last minute. She was even wondering, “Is he just using me for sex?” It just didn’t feel like he didn’t care. And after months of dealing of his charades, all she wanted was clarity. When Amanda finally voiced her needs and asked for basic commitment and consistency, he responded, “I’m just not ready for that.” Glad you didn’t waste your time on him, sister!!

It can feel incredibly exhausting to consistently show up in thoughtfulness for others, and the lack of reciprocation can feel very personal. It can also make you feel very isolated.

Amanda and I identified that thoughtful people do exist, and it’s important to recognize those characteristics.

Thoughtful Qualities:

Considers the interests of others
Empathetic and understanding
Contributes to plans
Reciprocates energy and effort (even if it looks differently)
They are present during time together
Able to think ahead in situations

How to set better boundaries, when you’re the thoughtful one:

Take note in how you physically and emotionally feel after interacting with others
Pay attention to how/if they’re reciprocating efforts
Cultivate self-love and compassion
Seek out other thoughtful people

It’s important to recognize the difference between someone going through a rough time and someone who is careless in how they treat others. Compassion is always going to go the extra mile, but if people are unable to vocalize how they’re feeling or what they need, it’s time to start evaluating: are you their friend or their caregiver? As always, make sure to take of yourself. Be thoughtful to you. Find time to treat yourself and be present with yourself. You’ll start to meet people in your life who remind you just how exceptional you truly are!

And if you’re one of those energy suckers who ghost and breadcrumb and forget your girlfriend’s birthday 3 years in a row, it’s time to start learning how to be thoughtful.

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This post was previously published on Change Becomes You.

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