In much of the self-help and personal development industry, there is a common approach to handling hard times and painful situations. We are often told, and sold on the idea, that we can be happier and feel more-fulfilled if we just “choose to be happy,” and if we just change our thoughts to “better” ones. We tend to believe that if we are able to just attain a certain level of consciousness, enlightenment or understanding, that we will then only experience “good things” and will live a magical life where everything works out. While there is some truth to this, for most of us to heal persistent aspects of ourselves, and in order to survive very painful situations, we need to go deeper. Feeling better, thinking better thoughts and even the idea of transformation, are great in that they can give us access to new actions to take and give us different perspectives to look from, but they are not going to be healing in the ways that turning towards our grief to understand why we experience life in the ways that we do, is.
I will say that there are no absolutes, and there is no one way that is the best approach for everyone. I know people who seem to apply the “just think happy thoughts” approach and have their version of a great life. On the other hand, I also know many people who have struggled with that approach and have diligently done their work, only to further believe that there is something wrong with them because that approach “does not seem to work for them.” I am in the second camp and, having spent years monitoring my thoughts, the truth for me is that I have seen my biggest growth, and greatest successes, come in the times when I have turned inward to understand my Self. Unfortunately, there is a tendency to avoid the painful emotions that we feel because we are socialized to not feel, to suck it up and to “just get over it.” Even the idea of “life is going to happen, it is all a matter of how you deal with life happening,” which is intended to empower us, can set us up for failure in that we then may think there is something even more wrong with us if we are crumbling with sadness. Our bodies store emotional memories, our emotions tell us things, our feelings tell us things, and the more information we gather about ourselves and why we experience what we experience, the greater the opportunity to heal those parts of ourselves. The process occurs to me like a purging; getting everything out from the depths of our body and soul-memories, so that we can fill the now-empty space with something new.
How do you shepherd yourself through the pain?
First and foremost, it is important to have a support system in your life, especially in rough times. Having a coach, therapist, support group and/or trusted friends is crucial. And knowing to call 911 or the suicide hotline if you are having suicidal thoughts or thoughts about hurting yourself, is also necessary. Breakups, job-losses, deaths of loved ones, financial crises and more can cause a whole lot of pain to surface in our lives and reactivate trauma responses, so it is important to have a system to know what course of action to take. There may be times where you know you need to get your therapist on the phone, and there may be times where you truly desire to sit and hold space for yourself to purge. This is not about powering through anything, nor being tough enough to handle your crap, it is about choosing how and what your next steps are.
There was a particularly rough breakup that I went through recently. I had spent much of the last year exploring new levels of deeply connecting with myself, which meant meditating daily, having full days of silence with no electronics, consciously backing off from the distractions of social media, and learning to take inspired actions versus just doing busy work with the hopes that something would stick. The relationship that coincided with this new way of being, took me to new levels of intimacy, new levels of oneness with another person and new levels of seeing and being seen by another. That breakup, then, also came with new levels of pain and grief—but something was different, I wanted to feel it this time.
In the past, I was quick to move on and quick to replace the hurt that was coming up with someone, and something, new. But not this time. For the past couple of years, I have actively held space for people to express, unleash and purge their anger, grief and years of pain. The liberation they have experienced is something that has made a huge difference for them on their journey. I have also had that space held for me by others and the peace and liberation that followed was priceless. This was my opportunity to hold that space for myself.
I put the things that reminded me of her in a special place and I allowed whatever needed to come up, to come up. I cried, I screamed, I lay motionless on the floor, I went for walks and allowed myself to feel and find the beauty in whatever was coming up, and however, it was coming up. A couple of days in, I finally reached out to a friend and that friend supported me, encouraged me and helped me see the beauty in all that was happening. On the one hand, it sucked, I’m not going to lie. On the other hand, what else was I going to do? After experiencing a new level of what is possible in relationship with another, “just moving on” was not going to do. Suppressing my feelings would only lead to illness and me not being able to be present and loving with the other important people in my life, like my family. So, I held that space for myself, and when I needed support, I reached for it.
How do you shepherd yourself? You allow yourself to feel, you allow yourself to express and you listen to know what your soul truly desires for you to do in order for you to take care of yourself.
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Talk to you soon.
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