How to Spot the Right Person for You

Here is a summary of the transcript from YouTube, slightly edited with AI.

One of the Most Important Decisions of Your Life

Choosing a life partner might be one of the highest-stakes decisions we ever make. The right partner can mean the difference between a happy or traumatized life, being healthy or unhealthy, financially stable or unstable, confident or insecure.

When we meet someone romantically, they have the potential to amplify and add to the good in our lives—or slowly poison it.

So today, I don’t want to talk about generic qualities like kindness, loyalty, or being a proactive teammate. I want to share what I’ve learned from 17 years of helping people find love—what actually makes someone right for you.

And this insight isn’t just about recognizing the right person. It’s also about healing from past rejections that may have crushed your confidence.

By the way, thank you for being here. Your support and subscribing to the channel means a lot to me. I’m putting a lot of time and energy into these videos to help people build confidence, raise their standards, set boundaries, and find the love they deserve. Your support helps me reach even more people.

When Someone Feels Like “The One”

Let’s talk about how we end up thinking someone is right for us.

Picture this: You meet someone who seems to match exactly what you’ve always imagined. They look like your type—face, hair, body, ethnicity. They’re charming in the ways that attract you. Their sense of humor aligns with yours. They even have what I call “unique pairings”—goofy and sexy, ambitious and playful, confident and humble.

They’re the perfect blend of qualities you desire. They feel “right on paper,” which usually refers to job, age, or dating profile. But beyond that, they feel “right in your heart,” based on the experiences you’ve had with them.

And so, you hold on tightly, praying the dream doesn’t fall apart.

When the “Right Person” Rejects Us

Then it happens—they decide they don’t want to continue dating or be in a relationship with you. And it hurts.

Not in the same way it hurts when you’re betrayed or ghosted. This kind of pain runs deeper—because this was someone you believed was right for you.

But here’s the truth: None of those traits—how they look, how they make you laugh, their charisma—make someone right for you. They may contribute to the feeling, but they’re all missing one crucial ingredient.

The Crucial Ingredient: Compatibility

To understand what truly makes someone right for you, we need a reality check.

We’re all human. None of us belong on a pedestal. We each have our quirks, insecurities, and patterns. Some of these make us awesome to be with, and some make us a challenge.

Audrey and I are no exception. We’re far from perfect. We had more emotional “stuff” when we met than we do now. That stuff made us “too much” for past partners. Both of us have experienced heartbreaks from people who got to know us, and still chose to walk away.

It hurt. But that doesn’t mean those people were wrong. Maybe they didn’t want to deal with my anxiety or Audrey’s need for reassurance. That’s okay.

Awesome Person, Wrong Person

Someone can be awesome and still be wrong for you—and that doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you.

I’ve come to realize that I’m wrong for most people, even if they think I’m what they want. But Audrey doesn’t judge my anxious mood swings—she meets them with compassion. And I love her sensitivity. It’s what makes her a remarkable empath.

Sure, my moods can be hard for her. And yes, sometimes I find it tiring when she checks in to make sure I’m not mad at her. But that’s part of what makes us right for each other. We get each other.

How You’ll Know If It’s the Right Relationship

There’s a lot of advice out there that says, “It’s not your job to make someone else happy.” And that’s true. We’re each responsible for our own emotions. But the reality is, in a healthy relationship, we do help each other through life.

The goal is to find someone you enjoy helping through life—and who enjoys helping you in return. Not someone who resents how you struggle.

Every relationship hits speed bumps. What if the breakup you experienced was just a car that fell apart at the first bump? The right relationship won’t crumble when it hits that same bump. Instead, it will give you a reference point for feeling safer—and that safety might be the very healing that prevents future bumps.

This isn’t about avoiding responsibility for self-growth. It’s about recognizing that even with personal growth, we’ll still have issues. Self-development doesn’t give us a personality transplant—it just makes us a little better. That’s enough.

Lessons From A Real Pain

I recently watched the movie A Real Pain—the one Kieran Culkin won an Oscar for. It features two very flawed characters.

David (played by Jesse Eisenberg) takes responsibility for his struggles. Benji (played by Culkin) doesn’t—he makes his problems everyone else’s problem.

David says:
“I take a pill for my OCD, I jog, I meditate, I go to work, I come home, I move forward…”

You can tell—he’s trying. He’s doing the work, even if he’s not perfect. And he has a partner who has chosen him, not despite his struggles, but with them.

His issues might make him wrong for many people, but they don’t make him not good enough. They just mean he hadn’t met the right person—yet.

Finding Someone Who Gets Your “Stuff”

We need to find someone who gets our stuff—or who doesn’t think our stuff is a deal-breaker. Maybe, just maybe, their love calms it in a way no one else has.

It’s funny how we think we decide who’s “right” based on a checklist. But the real magic happens when someone sees everything—our best, our worst—and still chooses us.

This person makes us feel more secure, not less. Not because they impressed us, but because they took the time to see us.

The Person You Least Expect

We never really know who this person will be. They might not match our “type.” But when they show up, it works—because it’s based on something deeper.

Part of accepting this is also letting go of people we had strong feelings for. Relationships aren’t built on feelings alone. They’re built on compatibility—on how our complicated parts fit with theirs.

That’s the essence of real connection.

What Real Love Feels Like

It feels like coming home. It’s the feeling of being seen, accepted, and loved as you are.

Fred Rogers once said:

“When we love a person, we accept him or her exactly as is—the lovely with the unlovely, the strong with the fearful, the true mixed in with the facade.”

The only way we can love someone like that is by learning to accept ourselves in the same way.

You Deserve This Kind of Love

This is the kind of love you deserve. It’s the kind of love you need to be happy.

And while it may not be guaranteed, it is possible for everyone. I’ve seen that truth play out over 20 years.

But it starts, as Mr. Rogers said, by giving yourself this kind of love first.

If you don’t know how, come join me in October. I’ll show you how in just two days—on a retreat I’ve poured my heart into, based on everything I’ve learned over the last 17 years.

You can learn how to manage your emotions, quiet that inner critic, and build a loving relationship with yourself. And when you do, you’ll finally be ready to attract the love you’ve been searching for.

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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