Okay, I have heard it a million times: There are horror stories about dating an avoidant, and the best approach is to not date one.
I get it because you’re perfect!
Alright. I hope we can laugh at both sides of that intro and get to the article.
You don’t know what you’re getting into when you enter a relationship with a new partner.
We go through the honeymoon phase. Everything is rainbows and roses, and then we peel the onion to understand who someone is at their core.
When our feet get stuck in the mud, we wish we had noticed the flags and prevented the dynamic from reaching its breaking point.
There is also an opportunity to remove the hurdles and place boundaries in our situation. We can make sure it never escalates to this point.
I understand we can’t have the best of both worlds, but I can speak to both people in these situations and pave a path for success or a new path forward.
I know you feel helpless because part of you sees a great person with so much potential whom you share a connection with that should have the power to turn into a deep bond.
The other half of your mind wants to pack your bags.
Before you pack your suitcase, let’s share some ideas about how to help yourself out in the meantime.
Safety first
I won’t take you on a carousel. Communication with an avoidant can be stressful if you do not implement the building blocks to create a path for both partners to be open.
I want you to read that again and see if you caught the secret message: a path for both partners to be open.
Do you want to know what I often hear from people in relationships with avoidants and feel that there is a lack of communication, sharing, and expression? I try to tell them things and have those moments.
You’re on the right track, but you are missing out on what the gap is.
Yes, you want to express things and try to have those intimate moments.
Did we create a safe space and environment where we implemented an approach that works for both of us? Most likely, that didn’t happen.
For someone who just started a new dating relationship: Don’t over-accommodate their avoidant patterns at your own expense. Share your needs in a way that promotes collaboration, not pressure.
If you’re years into a relationship, express an understanding that your needs don’t align with your partner’s. You want to create an avenue for both partners to be receptive to expressing, even if they don’t have anything to share.
The rails
Do you want to know the easiest method for getting an avoidant to shut down? Make sure you call out their behavior at every opportunity.
I know how the emotions build up, and you become frustrated enough to let the situation blow up.
If you start or continue that approach, end the relationship right now.
Avoidants aren’t receptive to harsh criticism for two reasons. They feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility, and accusatory language makes them retreat to isolation.
If you are starting a relationship with an avoidant, understand their triggers to preemptively avoid them and know the behaviors you can implement to get the outcome.
When moments are going off the rails with someone you have been in a relationship with for years, acknowledge what you know they are feeling.
Your avoidant partner does not hate you while patiently waiting for you to shut up. They feel smothered and trapped in a moment they don’t know how to navigate.
Acknowledge that the moment might be heavy for them. Slow down the pace and choose moments when revisiting the conversation could be the better path forward.
Consistency
The elephant in the room is understanding the avoidant’s need for independence.
Do you want to know something a little funny?
You can control how much independence the avoidant thinks they have compared to what they actually have.
No, I am not telling you to become manipulative and control the relationship.
You can create a rhythm and cadence that allows them to feel they are not pressured to open up, build trust, and become expressive. Yes, the behaviors they struggle with.
Be consistent.
Don’t overwhelm them and become demanding about the moments you wish they were open to a time to connect.
Instead, when you notice there is a time where they are receptive to connecting, lock in on that.
Your partner might dislike talking when you are watching trash television or eating dinner. They might be extremely receptive when you go for a walk or you’re having a drink.
If your relationship has hit a rough patch, focus on rebuilding through consistency instead of forcing emotional breakthroughs. Give them space, but also be predictably present in their life. That goes for whatever point in your relationship you’re in.
Alleviate the tension. You’re both feeling it.
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Want to learn about the triggers of the dismissive-avoidant? Get a free guide here.
Do you want to huddle for a 1:1 session to work through your dynamic? If you’d like a free 15-minute information and onboarding call about my coaching offerings, click here. You can also reach out to me on Instagram. here. or email me at [email protected] for details.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Adi Goldstein on Unsplash
Hi, I’m an “avoidant,” meaning that I have an actual diagnosis of AvPD. I have been through a lot of therapy, and have learned a lot about healthy relationship building in the process. I also probably would never have answered a post like this a few years ago! But, I just want to point out that “avoidants” are not all the same. Sure, in broad strokes, our triggers are going to be the same, but we are people first, and we have different aspects to our personalities, different strengths, and different ways of interacting with people. For instance, I have… Read more »