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I want to know who in my life is here
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because I always please them and who in
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my life is here because they love me
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well we uh put a post out on Instagram
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would you call yourself a people pleaser
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and we asked them to leave a comment
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below and describe how that shows up in
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their lives
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um if they relate to that statement I
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love it Stephanie says it sometimes
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shows up as being inauthentic with how I
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actually feel in order to make everyone
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around me feel comfortable and content
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but it doesn’t do any favors on my
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self-worth and inner connection
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and somebody called Sarah made a very
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similar point which I’m going to read
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out because I feel like you know we can
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answer both of them at the same time
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Sarah says it stops me from being honest
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and sharing my true thoughts and
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feelings due to the feeling that I will
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disappoint people or cause conflict yeah
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I can relate to both of those almost
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part of me is like I don’t want to
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create a bad thing for everyone or
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create a problem or have someone think
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oh no Steve’s upset you know because I
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think in a way it’s like I’ll feel bad
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that I’ve made them feel bad I would
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argue Stephen correct me if I’m wrong
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but I would argue that
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that’s
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a it’s I don’t want to upset people
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because I don’t like how it makes me
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feel when other people are upset right
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right so then there’s like a it’s worth
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almost assessing our relationship with
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other people being upset and where does
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it come from why why does it upset me or
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why does it distress me when other
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people are upset is it because
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and I think the answers to those
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questions get really interesting
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because once you just follow them to
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their logical conclusions I actually
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think you arriving much more a much more
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empowering place the problem is we don’t
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follow them
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to their logical conclusions in the
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right way so if you say
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I’m afraid someone’s going to be upset
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with me because they’ll
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no longer love me
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then you can follow that to its logical
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conclusion and go well if me disagreeing
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with someone
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means they don’t love me anymore then
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that relationship isn’t nearly as
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valuable as I think it is in the first
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place and if it’s not nearly as valuable
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as I think it is then I I’m oh I’m my
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upset is misplaced or we come to the
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conclusion that oh no this relationship
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is robust and this person can be upset
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with me
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and we make up in fact we have they have
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been upset with me before and we make up
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it or we could follow the logical
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conclusion that if they’re upset it’s
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because they’re learning a hard truth
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about themselves but learning a hard
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truth about themselves actually is the
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thing that’s going to allow them to
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improve any time I’ve ever had to learn
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a hard truth about myself it’s given me
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a genuine opportunity to grow and
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improve but when people around me who
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love me deny me a hard truth about
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myself because they don’t want to hurt
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my feelings they’re actually denying me
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the opportunity to grow so that conflict
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actually is a form of kindness in
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helping that other person to grow I
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think what’s ha what happens though is
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if we have learned at certain points in
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our lives that that being around someone
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and pointing something out
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just does more harm than good if we have
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learned that all it does is make our
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lives more difficult
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and that that person doesn’t change
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and maybe just puts it back on us and
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nothing shifts then we begin to think we
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don’t have any power in the situation
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and that anything we do is only going to
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make our lives worse not better and I
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think when we learn that lesson
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around certain key people
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then we develop that instinct to either
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mold myself to the situation to keep the
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peace or just remove myself so that I
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can keep my peace
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while
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not having to stay in the situation
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which makes it impossible for me to stay
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unruffled I think it’s super important
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to know where people pleasing comes from
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for the most part
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and I was in a session recently with
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somebody who really really suffers from
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the fact that she’s a people pleaser and
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as a result doesn’t have a lot of
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boundaries
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and doesn’t know how to say no and stand
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her ground and
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you know it was really clear from
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speaking with her that
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it came from it was a behavior learned
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from childhood that had kept her safe
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and people pleasing tends to come from
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childhood teenage years traumatic events
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where we have learned that if we make
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sure that we are agreeable
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and pandering to people around us we
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will feel safe and loved and accepted we
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can feel resentful of people pleasing
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but it’s really important to remember
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that it it is for the most part it tends
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to be a behavior that’s that’s you know
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we’ve learned along the way to keep
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ourselves safe so trying to unlearn it
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we have to be a bit compassionate with
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ourselves for how difficult that is
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because it’s really counter-intuitive to
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our survival when we’re trying to do
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something like that I agree
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I agree I agree I agree I agree I
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agree I want everyone to know that I
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agree
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and I think Audrey It’s always important
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that you know you you always come in
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with this uh pre to natural beautiful
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compassion that is the basis of
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self-acceptance and
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Grace and understanding why we are the
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way we are and
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to not blame ourselves
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for that
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it’s really important because if you’re
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coming if you’re starting anything from
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a place of incredible of huge amounts of
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blame
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then it’s hard to even do the things
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that would lift you out of that
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situation because you’re taking all of
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your energy and directing it at
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self-hatred and self-loathing instead of
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moving forward so the that realization
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and that compassion for what may have
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contributed to you being this way in
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life is essential to the self-acceptance
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that provides the foundation for growth
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I do however
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good way of saying but
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I do however
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feel it’s extremely important
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that the you know in Jurassic Park
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Dr Hammond says I don’t blame people for
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their mistakes but I do ask that they
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pay for them
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now I always found that line really
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interesting
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because
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we don’t and shouldn’t have to sit here
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constantly blaming ourselves for things
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it’s not productive
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but in a sense we we unfortunately we do
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all have to pay the price
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for the things that we do for the
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behaviors that we have no one can argue
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that’s not true we all pay the price for
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the way that we are
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if you’re a people pleaser regardless of
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whether it’s your you were the original
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one to blame for why you’re a people
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pleaser you’re the one who’s paying the
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price
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through all of the consequences in your
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life that you’re experiencing right now
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you’re not getting promoted you’re not
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getting the recognition that you deserve
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you’re not getting treated the way that
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you should be in your relationship
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you’re not getting respect from people
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people aren’t uh changing around you in
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appropriate ways when they do things
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wrong they’re not apologizing all of
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these things are the price that we pay
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for this behavior that we’ve at some
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point adopted
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so if we’re the ones paying the price
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we better be the ones to take ownership
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for changing it
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because no one else
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is going to why would anyone else be
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motivated to own that problem for us
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they’re not paying the price for it we
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are
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so we have to own that problem for
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ourselves and own that responsibility
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for changing it
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and
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and then the next question obviously is
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well how do I how do I do that I’ve been
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doing this for so long this is a
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hard-wired pattern for me
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that feels so ingrained and so reflexive
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that it’s my go-to anytime I mean for
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for many people in this situation and I
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count myself among them is visceral it’s
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visceral there’s a feeling that you get
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when there’s confrontation there’s a uh
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it creeps into some part of your body
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it’s very recognizable you know it when
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you feel it it feels like an involuntary
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biological reaction to uh someone
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yelling or to something not being quite
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right in the room
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or sensing that someone’s in need of
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something
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and that’s something that we have to
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break the cycle of
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consistently for us to start making a
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new pathway
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the top the trouble is
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to make a new pathway like that
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requires a kind of leap in the first
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place it requires us to do something
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outside of the well-worn groove
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that we’ve been doing over and over and
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over again our whole lives
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I think that the phrase that keeps
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coming up in my mind for this is that
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you have to at some point decide to live
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Dangerously
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and living dangerously is all relative
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if you’re mad at me
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and that makes me deeply uncomfortable
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and I want to
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fix it
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Living Dangerously is me not fixing it
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that’s living dangerously Living
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Dangerously is I’m gonna take the risk
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that this relationship is gonna be okay
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without me fixing this
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or that I’m gonna be okay even if this
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relationship isn’t okay
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if I’m in a romantic relationship and
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I’m a people pleaser who’s constantly
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trying to do everything from my partner
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because I’m worried they won’t love me
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if I don’t do everything for them and I
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don’t make myself indispensable with
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acts of service
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Living Dangerously is risking that
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you’ll still love me if I don’t do this
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for you this week
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now
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in logically
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we may know that they’ll still be there
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but emotionally we don’t and there’s a
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big difference emotionally we don’t
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believe that’s true our trauma tells us
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that’s not true this person will
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disappear
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Living Dangerously is saying I’m going
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to take the risk anyway
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I’m gonna risk that that you not liking
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me right now
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will continue if I don’t do this thing
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I’m going to take that leap of faith
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and to me that requires a it requires a
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jump off a ledge that we’re not used to
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jumping off of
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but
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I have found in my life that these kinds
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of of Daredevil experiments
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reap really interesting rewards and
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often unexpected rewards because when by
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the way you do this and you get the
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unexpected someone stays or God forbid
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they actually give you more respect or
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you lose a relationship and suddenly you
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feel more peaceful because you lost a
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relationship that was robbing you of
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your piece anyway
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it starts to give you reference points
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and those reference points
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start to actually encourage you to do
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more of that thing it becomes this kind
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of you almost start to get excited about
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it because you go well there’s this
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whole other world out there where I
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don’t do this
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and other possibilities occur
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and that I’ve found that it becomes an
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exciting addiction once you actually get
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used to Living Dangerously in that way
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and when you live dangerously enough in
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that way it actually starts to become a
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new form and a higher quality form of
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safety you know if you start standing up
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for yourself and being your true
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authentic self you will attract you will
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repel and sort of eliminate
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relationships in your life that are
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one-sided and probably a little bit
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toxic actually and it’s an overused word
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but I think that’s fair to say it’s also
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just important to to say that you’ll
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also be surprised by the relationships
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that respond well literally what I was
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going to say I was going to say you also
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the moment you do that you become a
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magnet for people who actually respect
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your true self and respect that that
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self and that person who stands up for
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themselves and go oh I really like this
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person this person’s got a bit of edge
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to them they’re not going to let me get
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away with things because it’s human
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nature you know and I think it’s such an
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important point to make regardless of
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how much of a an amazing person you are
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we are all constantly pushing the
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boundaries with everyone in our lives
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all the time some people are more or
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less aware of this but we’re all doing
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it and
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I think that by having strong boundaries
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being true to yourself and calling
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people out or you know when they’re
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doing something wrong or speaking up
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when you’re not happy about something
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and not people pleasing you do become a
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magnet for people who respect that
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authenticity and that truth and I know
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that
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that’s something that almost feels
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counter-intuitive you end up repelling
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people who just want to walk all over
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you and have a sort of slave master
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relationship and an imbalance in your
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relationship whether it be friendship or
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romantic
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and you attract people who are looking
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for a relationship of equals
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and I think that’s one of the most
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powerful shifts you can make but it is
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really difficult so I have a lot of
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You’re gonna laugh but I do have a lot
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of compassion for for it here’s what I
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think don’t you want to know
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don’t you want to know
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which relationships in your life are
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founded on mutual respect
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and a sense of equality of effort
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versus the ones that are only using you
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and only interested in you for as long
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as you agree with them Don’t You Wanna
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Know
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I want to know
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I want to know who in my life is here
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because I always please them and who in
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my life is here because they love me
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does worth know it takes guts to want to
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know that but but I want to know
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and the more the irony the great irony
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is that the more you are the person
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who’s willing to find out
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the more people love you
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so true because they just want to be
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around someone with that kind of
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Integrity in life and that kind of
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courage and that kind of confidence
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let me know what you think about this in
15:48
the comments don’t forget to like
15:49
subscribe and hit the notification Bell
15:52
so you don’t miss the next video I also
15:54
want to tell you that from the 11th to
15:55
the 13th of November I’m running my
15:58
virtual Retreat if you’re listening to
16:00
this video and you’re realizing this is
16:01
the deepest stuff that I need I hope you
16:03
come and join us the link is
16:06
mhvirtualretreat.com come check it out
16:09
and spend three days of immersive
16:10
coaching with me and my team I’ll see
16:13
you over there
—
This post was previously published on YouTube.
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What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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