Pregnancy can be terrifying for all its beauty and excitement. All it takes is one quick five-minute Google search, and anyone can find scores of pregnancy horror stories.
It’s easy to see why any mom-to-be can be nervous.
For every picture of a newborn you see on social media, there are one or two stories of illness or stillbirth. As a man, I understand that I will never truly understand the impact that can have on a woman’s mental state.
I understand that as the dad-to-be, it’s my duty to be my wife’s sounding board, her confidant, and her support.
By no means am I perfect, nor have I done everything perfectly as we navigate through our pregnancy, but here’s what has worked for me.
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1. Understand That You Really Don’t Understand
As much as we dads want to understand, we really don’t. We will never understand what it’s like to grow another human inside us.
We may think we understand, but unless we actually do it, which we never will, we will never truly grasp how it feels to have our bodies change. We will never understand the feeling of helplessness.
Early in our pregnancy, my wife would tell me how she felt that she no longer had control of her body. The alpha male that I am, I just had to fix this. I didn’t want my wife to feel this way.
Take it from me; this is not something that needs “fixing.”
I quickly began to list off the things that — in my humblest of opinions — were 100% in my wife’s control. I failed to understand that by doing this, I minimized her feelings.
Her moment of vulnerability turned into a project that needed fixing.
Dads take my advice; we don’t understand the feelings our significant others are going through. What seems black and white to us is anything but black and white to them.
Every pregnancy is different, and there is no cookie cutter program to follow that walks us through the “right” way to handle emotions and the “right” way to feel.
Understanding that you don’t understand will allow you to better support your significant other and not minimize their feelings.
Photo by Emmanuel Ikwuegbu on Unsplash
2. Pregnancy Is Not a Project To Fix
Trying to “fix” your significant other’s fears is the quickest way to have them feel anything but supported. When we try to solve the root of these emotions, we fall into the trap of thinking that we understand how they feel.
Like most first-time parents-to-be, my wife and I scoured the internet to find answers to all our questions.
We had a lot.
This was extremely informational, but it was also very scary. There are so many things that can go wrong to no fault of the mother, especially in the first trimester.
My wife would explain to me these fears she had. We were still very early into the pregnancy; we had just had our first prenatal visit, and I couldn’t understand where her fear was coming from.
In my attempt to comfort her rather than acknowledge her feelings, I jumped right into fix-it mode. I explained to her that she was young, had a healthy lifestyle of exercise and eating well, and had no major underlying illness. This pregnancy would be smooth sailing.
What I didn’t do was acknowledge that her fears were valid.
I didn’t understand at the time that even though she could do everything right, something could still go drastically wrong. I could only imagine the guilt going through a mother’s mind — tracing every move to see if there was anything that could have been done differently.
I have since learned that the best thing a dad can do is listen. Acknowledge your significant other’s feelings and don’t “solve” the problem. Sometimes listening and offering that support is the fix that they need.
3. Be Involved and Show That You Are Excited
My wife has mentioned several times how much she appreciates just how excited I am about our little blessing. With all of the pregnancy fears, the last thing your significant other needs is to feel alone in the process.
Go to every prenatal visit that you can. Work on the nursery together. Talk about the changes your family will experience together as you grow from two to three.
Tell your significant other all of the things that you are excited about. Spend time with her.
In a few short months, the alone time you spend now will be relegated to brief spurts where you struggle to catch a couple of hours of sleep before the next feeding.
Tell your significant other how you feel. She is not the only one with emotions going through her head. Just like she needs a sounding board, so do you.
By sharing your feelings, you show her that you play a more significant role than just “planting your seed.” Allow both of yourselves to get vulnerable; you will only get stronger for it.
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The Bottom Line
This is a very exciting time for you and your family. Take the time to enjoy it; pregnancy is a rollercoaster ride that will bring an entire spectrum of emotions.
This list is not all-encompassing, nor am I a professional; this is just what has worked for my wife and me. Every family is different, and so is every pregnancy. My biggest advice would be to do what is right for you and your family.
Listen to your significant other, show them they are not alone in this pregnancy and that you care. Being a dad is about showing up and showing that you care; everything else after that will fall right into place.
I’d love to hear from any other first-time dads on how to support your significant other through pregnancy. Let me know your thoughts or if I missed anything in the comments!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
