How to Talk to Your Spouse the Right Way

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I’m Sanjeev, and you are tuned in to my latest marriage-saving advice article, which this time around is going to share one very simple, very effective tip that you can apply right now to dramatically improve the health of your marriage.

In fact, this tip is something that any married person should be using, and it’s also probably something you haven’t really thought about before now.

It’s also something that applies to pretty much all relationships, not just marriages, so you can definitely benefit from this tip even if you’re not actually married.

Now, in any romantic relationship, there’s always going to be situations where one partner is upset or unhappy about something that their spouse has said or done.

Now this is natural, and it’s unavoidable, but what is within your control is how you bring up these complaints with your partner, and this is where a lot of people go wrong.

So let me give you a few common examples that you might have said to your spouse from time to time in the past:

You never do any laundry. I wish you would just wash your own clothes for once.
Why can’t you ever show up on time? You’re always late when we’re meeting our friends.
You always spend too much on Christmas gifts. Why can’t you ever control your spending?
I hate how you always make me pick up the kids from school

And I could come up with countless other similar examples, as I’m sure you can.

Now these are typical everyday types of grievances that most of us have said to our spouse from time to time in the past.

Now here’s the question: what is wrong with those examples that I just gave you? What’s the one thing that they all have in common?

Well, if you said they’re all hyperbolic and exaggerated, then you win the grand prize because that’s exactly what all of the examples that I just mentioned have in common.

They used what’s called imprecise language, their over-the-top exaggerations.

Let’s go back to the first example for a second.

Now, imagine from your spouse’s perspective, hearing you never do any of your own laundry, is that actually true?

You know, I doubt it. I bet they actually put on a load of laundry, you know, once in a while, even if it’s only when you actually mention it.

So in essence, your statement is not actually true; it’s an exaggeration.

Now this type of thing is human nature for most of us, you know, when emotions are running high, we often use this type of over-the-top, you know, imprecise language to share our concerns.

Now, there are a few problems with this type of exaggerated statement.

Firstly it’s it’s just downright untrue, you know your spouse has probably done laundry every now in the past, just not as often as you’d like them to.

Now this makes your statement factually incorrect, but it also comes across as condescending and righteous.

Now, secondly, it’s far too easy for your spouse to refute this accusation.

After all, you know, they only need to come up with one example of a time that they actually did laundry to prove your statement wrong.

So when it’s that easy to give you an example to prove you wrong, then that’s gonna be your spouse’s natural reaction to this sort of hyperbolic accusation.

After all, technically, you are wrong, so you’re just giving your spouse an easy way to argue the point effectively.

But you know the reality is you might have a very valid complaint, and your spouse may not be doing their fair share of the laundry, and there’s no question that you do have a right to ask your partner to change their behavior and to help out with the laundry duties more often.

But the key is to use precise language when it comes to phrasing your concerns to your spouse.

So let’s take a quick look back at the original examples that I gave earlier in the article and come up with a way to rephrase each complaint in more precise language.

Doing so is gonna make your concern much less confrontational sounding to your spouse, and it’s also gonna generate a better response and be more likely to actually affect change in your partner’s behavior.

So instead of saying you never do any laundry, I wish you could just wash your own clothes for once.

You could instead say it’s frustrating when I have to do more than my fair share of the laundry.

Can you please help out by putting on a load of laundry a few times per week?

And instead of saying Why can’t you ever show up on time? You’re always late when we’re meeting our friends.

You could go with something along the lines of I think our friends get frustrated when we show up late. Let’s both make an effort to arrive on time in the future.

And for example, you always spend too much on Christmas gifts, why can’t you ever control your spending?

You could rephrase that as I’d like to make sure we don’t overspend on Christmas gifts this year by agreeing on a budget and sticking to it.

Now, as you can see, you know this isn’t a big change, and it doesn’t really affect your ability to confront your partner over issues in the relationship that you’re unhappy with.

But what it does do, however, is reduce the likelihood of things spiraling into a full-blown argument when you do have to bring up a point of contention with your spouse.

And this simple change, where you use you know precise language in this type of situation rather than exaggerated imprecise language, is also more likely to get you the outcome that you’re actually looking for.

Now, guys, I promise this really can and does work. I’ve seen many of my coaching clients make this subtle change only to see a big change in the health and happiness of their marriage overall.

So please give it a try yourself and let me know how it goes in the comments below this short medium story.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.