How to Talk With Your Loved Ones

By: Understoond

English description: Join Onyi Azih and Cristina Jáuregui, psychotherapist, writer, lecturer, broadcaster and presenter for a chat about how to have conversations with your loved ones when you see signs of a learning and thinking difference in your child.

Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited)

00:00
breeze last month understood hosted the
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first part of the series where we
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introduced the take note tool and
00:06
getting into the mindset now in part one
00:08
we covered how the take note tool
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provides parents with step-by-step
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suggestions of what to look for what to
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do and how to document behaviors that
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they may be noticing in their children
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and if they’re worrisome so
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we’re going to explain that the tool is
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n for noticing
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any
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difficulties or behaviors o for
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observing and keeping track of patterns
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t for talking to people that can help
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like pediatricians caregivers or
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teachers and then e for engaging your
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child to get more information and
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figuring out how you can help them
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thrive now that leads us to today’s chat
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how to speak to loved ones about
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learning and thinking differences and we
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have the pleasure of speaking to one of
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our understood experts christina howard
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now she’s going to share how to compare
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share information with those closest to
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our children and helping them understand
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and make sense of what we’re seeing
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christina is a psychotherapist writer
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lecturer broadcaster and presenter and
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we’re so glad to have you today hi
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christina
01:13
hi honey i am so happy to be here with
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you thank you for that introduction and
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well let’s start talking and
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about all these important subjects to
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help
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the parents the kids and all the
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caregivers that are around these people
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and these uh
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wonderful children that need so much
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help
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yes thank you for joining us and we’d
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love to hear from you our audience on
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any of your thoughts or comments so
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please post them along with any
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questions in the chat box okay
01:45
now
01:46
let’s start with learning and thinking
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differences or ltd’s they can be
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difficult
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subjects to discuss and you know
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your partners or caregivers may not be
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on the same page so what is important
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when you start the conversation
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well one of the things that i i think
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it’s the most important is
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first to understand where you are
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standing
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you as a parent
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you are as a caregiver because sometimes
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um or all the time we have different um
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ideas and we understand
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the problem in different times
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what do i what do i want to say with
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this that sometimes we are faster
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to understand something that is
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happening in our family with our kids
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and sometimes it takes us a lot of time
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to understand and to accept what’s
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happening in the family so the first
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thing i i think it seem very very
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important is to
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make a stop
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and try to put your ideas in order
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i i would suggest
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to sit down maybe with a therapist or
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maybe with your mother or with someone
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you love or maybe alone with just a
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piece of paper and start writing down
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all the ideas you have like all the
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things you have been watching and that
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you think that something is happening to
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your girl or to your boy and that you
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want your partner or the people that are
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with you to understand that you are
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aware that something is wrong or
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something is different because it’s not
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wrong it’s just different
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so i will say that that would be the
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first thing to do to make a stop
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in your life and to write down all the
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ideas
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then when you have all the ideas written
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down then you can ask
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whoever you want to share it with or you
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need to share it with
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to
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make an appointment
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one of the things that is really really
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important is to understand that we all
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live in different times
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so
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maybe i am running maybe i am busy maybe
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i am at work so i need to tell the other
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person that i want to have a
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conversation an important conversation a
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conversation that needs all my attention
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and
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so i
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i suggest to make up an appointment
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to sit down and talk about these
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important subjects and one of the things
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that it’s really important only is also
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to tell the other person what you are
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going to talk about
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because it’s really known in our society
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that when someone comes to you and tells
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you i want to talk about something we
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start wondering no what is this person
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going to tell me
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is he mad at me
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or is she mad at me well
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let’s
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since the beginning put the subject on
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the table
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and tell the people that you want to
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talk to i want to talk about our kids or
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i want to talk about our daughter
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and i want to talk to you about some
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things i have been watching
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observing and and i am worried about
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so but i think we have to have the um
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the real
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special atmosphere to have the best
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conversation we can have
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i’m so glad you said that because it’s
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so often that
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one or other caregivers or parents may
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not be on the same page with what’s
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going on and so may cause a lot of
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anxiety and so really recommending what
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can we do to get past that hurdle of not
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being on the same page with everyone
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else who thinks that maybe it’s okay
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it’s something to ignore
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you know uh there’s nothing really
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happening
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exactly and why that happens because
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usually we are in denial
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we sometimes
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don’t want to see what’s happening
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because of one really really concrete
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thing and this is we are afraid that’s
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we are afraid because we don’t know what
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we’re dealing with and also we have so
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many
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um
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ideas when our kids are born about how
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we want them what we’re expecting about
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them if we have a boy or if we have a
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girl
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we we usually start thinking about all
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the things that they should be doing
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like for example and my boy should be in
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i don’t know playing football or my boy
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will be the best in his class in
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mathematics because i am the best in
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mathematics or i was or my daughter
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should know history perfectly because i
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am a historian i don’t know all the
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ideas we have when we receive our babies
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yeah and sometimes to break all those
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ideas those
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things that uh sometimes i say i say we
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have we are like little kids dreaming
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you know what we expect of our kids and
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we don’t stop to see who our son or our
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daughter is but sometimes that is a
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barrier to be able to talk that’s one of
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the things i see on it that happens and
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all other thing that happens on it is
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that uh also we start thinking that we
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are the ones to blame
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uh because of the things that are
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happening are now in our family we we
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think that we don’t we are not good
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parents that maybe we did something
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wrong
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that it’s our problem that we are to
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blame and uh we hate to be blamed
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and we hate to be feel ashamed
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you know so
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all these
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different um emotions
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that we have to deal with are usually
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emotions that if we don’t treat them as
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we have to if we don’t um
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elaborate them i don’t know if you say
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it like that in english
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yeah if we don’t work with them
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as as we go on
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yeah then yeah they are barriers for
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communication between
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the couples
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their barriers for communication because
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they keep blaming one another and and
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themselves that something is wrong
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because they did something wrong so i
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think uh it’s it’s a com
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neck
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and it’s very difficult sometimes to
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establish a conversation because of all
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these things that happen around the
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parents or the caregivers
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yeah yeah and i love that you say that
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because i i definitely support giving
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that grace and that space for your child
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and your partners to be themselves to
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explore themselves learn themselves and
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so i definitely agree with you there i
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wanted you to just even continue to talk
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more about how to con continue that open
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communication once you do start getting
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the ball rolling with the conversation
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how do we continue to just keep those
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lines of communication open
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first of all i think when we
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put over the table that it’s not
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anyone’s fault what is happening
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that um we have a wonderful girl or a
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wonderful boy that the uh the only thing
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is that he learns in a different way
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but that could can be a wonderful thing
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also because i think uh
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that one of the things we have to
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understand in this world is that we are
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all different
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and sometimes we want to put everyone in
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the same box no that’s one of the things
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that has been happening
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since the
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millenniums no so uh when we when we sit
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down and we understand that it’s not my
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fault it’s not your fault and that
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together we can start
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to
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walk in a different direction i think
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that’s really good for starting a
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conversation because
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we we can start a conversation with the
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same
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object
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on mine with the same uh
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finishing line no
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so
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uh when when you
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when you start a conversation with
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something that you have prepared and you
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are giving time to the other person to
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prepare as well then we can sit down and
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start talking about the points that we
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want to talk about one of the things
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that i want to tell the people that are
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watching us is that we have to know that
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the most important thing is our daughter
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or our son
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that’s the most important thing his
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wellness
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and we have to understand that until
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that day when we realized that something
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was wrong he has been having a hard time
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because
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it’s almost
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certain that we have been in school
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some
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the teachers
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have been telling us or maybe they have
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been suffering from bullying that we
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know that this is happening all the time
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so our kid may be
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um
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by that time
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with a lot of pain in his
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mind in his soul he would feel
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awkward different
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he would feel
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sad maybe
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that he doesn’t belong
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and that’s uh just because
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it’s uh
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difficult to fit in a world that wants
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us to be all the same as i was saying
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before
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so we have to have in mind that the most
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important thing is to help our kid and
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that is possible because this is why we
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are doing these chats and why we are
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making these movements worldwide to say
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that of course this is possible there
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are different ways to to learn
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and our kid can learn if in a different
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way and he can be perfectly adapted to
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his own world so i think that’s the
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second
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thing that we should put on off the
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table this conversation is not
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to blame us
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not to say everything that we have been
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doing wrong
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but on the contrary these conversations
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would be
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to talk about her or him
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and to
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take to help them be in a better place
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yes okay so different cultures and
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generations have different views of
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learning thinking and attention
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differences which can be difficult
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especially when they’re living under one
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roof so we know i know from experience
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that there can be cultural bias and
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stigmas so tell me what do you think we
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can do as a suggestion of how to educate
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them whether it’s to support a child
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through a diagnosis
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therapies treatment what would you
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suggest in this situation
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first of all i think that it’s really
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really important to talk to the people
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that are living in the same room
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and to try to unders to make them
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understand what’s going on for example
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honey if if we are talking about younger
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children or their
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siblings of the
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of our child that has this problem
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or is uh this different uh situation i
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think we can um try to
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see movies watch movies uh maybe we can
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um buy a book
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or
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something that can
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make them understand what’s going on
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and but the first thing we have to do is
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talk to our child
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and tell him that
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even though he has a different ability
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to
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learn
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that he’s perfectly normal and that we
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are going to try to help him not only
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the parents but also the whole family
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the whole people that are living in the
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house sometimes as you will say
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we have different generations like for
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example they can be living with their
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grandparents and it’s really usual it’s
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common that grandparents want to help
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and sometimes
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they have different ideas or maybe they
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don’t know the subject as well as we do
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so we have to become and and i want to
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point this again and again that we have
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to understand that people have
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different ways to understand even
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sometimes our childs that have a
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different ability to understand
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they teach us
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to
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see the world in a different way and
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what do i want to say about this that
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sometimes that’s the way that we
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understand that our parents are the
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grown-ups
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and maybe they are slower than right now
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or maybe they think their idea is the
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best idea and they don’t want to move
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from their their ideas so we have to
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understand that we are all in
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in a different rhythm so we have to try
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to adjust
15:28
to the rhythms of everyone i think it
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sounds a great task but it’s not once
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once you have the
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patience to sit with each one of them
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and to try to explain them what’s going
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on and what um are the things that you
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have decided with the whole group that
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you are working with
15:50
to do to help your child for example you
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know maybe we have to be to
15:56
have more
15:58
um
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a more uh
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schedule that is more compact what do i
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mean or maybe we have to be more
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excited
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with the schedule no and so we have to
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to tell our grand grand parents that
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they have to help us
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in order
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to help our kid i think that when we we
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explain everyone else that what we are
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trying to do
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is help someone we love
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then through love we can make everyone
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understand that this is a um
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it’s this is a plan
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that together the family if we are all
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together we can help
16:46
our kid the person we love to have a
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better life an easier life a normal life
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as we talk normal no i don’t like that
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word in spanish i don’t use it that much
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because
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who is normal only who is normal right
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to try to be happy what we want to do
17:07
and of course
17:08
[Music]
17:10
yeah try to be happy and one of the
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things that i i think it’s more
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important is
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one of the things we have to understand
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is that
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our um
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mission in life as parents
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is help our kids to grow
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the best way we can help them to grow
17:30
and be independent
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that they can they can take care of
17:34
themselves
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and of course they have to be happy
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whatever that means to them
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no and so we have to be respectful of
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that we have we have to be
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we have to give them love and so when we
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have that idea really clear
17:52
then the way
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we get to that point
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is uh
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usually in a better in a better mood
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with love in between with patients with
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good emotions to help them get through
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that
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sometimes uh it’s not that easy with the
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other people that are living around the
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house especially with siblings because
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this kind of kids used to
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they are used to get a lot of attention
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and sometimes we have to talk to our to
18:27
the other siblings to make them
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understand
18:30
that maybe in this moment
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he or her is having a lot of attention
18:35
because he needs it
18:37
but also as parents we have to
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understand that we have to give quality
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time to all of our kids and that’s very
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important also because sometimes we have
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kids without thinking
18:49
uh how much work we are going to have to
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to be doing
18:54
in order to help them grow in a better
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way
18:58
yeah yeah i definitely agree with you
19:00
there i think from my point of view as a
19:02
parent um
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i definitely help
19:06
the caregivers grandparents to really
19:08
look at it as a through a viewpoint of
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gratefulness we’re grateful that we know
19:13
what how we can help our our child and
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how we can support them and to give them
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love and being happy and who they are i
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think that changing the perspective
19:22
instead of you know feeling like oh
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downtrodden with what this difficulty is
19:26
but really just looking at the grateful
19:29
aspect of things can really change the
19:31
minds of everyone
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i am sure of that and also one of the
19:39
sorry one of the things that i i think
19:40
it’s really really important is to
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understand that we all have different
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capacities
19:45
that we have different
19:47
intelligence
19:49
we can even read about we now know that
19:52
and so
19:54
if you
19:55
have a difficult to read or to learn
19:58
maths
19:59
but maybe you are really good at
20:01
something else because this is this is
20:04
the world we’re living in we have
20:07
different
20:08
intelligence and and so we just have to
20:12
to help our kid or our girl or our boy
20:16
to find
20:18
in what he is really good because i’m
20:20
sure they have
20:22
thousands of of their capacities so we
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have to we have to
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help them
20:29
find them and experience them and
20:33
be happy with the way they are
20:37
yes yes i totally agree there
20:41
well thank you so much for joining us
20:43
today you guys if you have any questions
20:45
please make sure to leave them down in
20:47
the chat and we’ll be
20:48
here next time
21:07
you

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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