Men, like women, have the right to feel safe. So what if you made an agreement to have each other’s backs?
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I wrote an article a few months ago where I described hearing noises in the middle of the night and expecting my husband to go check them out. It sparked a lively discussion and has been referenced by commenters on other articles as well. To clarify, my point was not that men should risk their lives for women, but that women’s expectations can change. Men don’t have to live under the burden of those expectations if they don’t want to.
I grew up learning secret family code words and never walking anywhere alone. My formative years were steeped in fear.
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Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I grew up in a neighborhood where child molester and serial killer, Arthur Gary Bishop, was known to visit. He had family members who lived nearby, apparently. Instead of learning to “say no to drugs,” I grew up learning secret family code words and never walking anywhere alone. My formative years were steeped in fear.
Bishop was eventually captured, but my fears didn’t subside as I aged. Instead, they amplified. As an adult I’ve been stalked and groped. A man I didn’t know once knocked on every apartment door in my complex trying to locate me; another man broke into my apartment and sat at my kitchen table waiting for me. The day I brought my first baby home from the hospital was the same day they discovered Elizabeth Smart had been taken from her bed in the middle of the night, not far from where I grew up. A man just the other day commented on one of my articles with a hashtag that read: #breakherjaw.
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I am more afraid of the dark than anyone I know. I have always longed for the fearless-superhero, knight-in-shining-armor stereotype to be true.
Despite my ever-present fears, I know that boys and men get scared too; and men, like women, have the right to feel safe.
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And yet, I’m not a little girl anymore. In fact, I’m a mother to four little boys – boys who will one day feel pressure to be someone else’s knight-in-shining-armor, to check out that noise in the middle of the night. Despite my ever-present fears, I know that boys and men get scared too; and men, like women, have the right to feel safe.
So what are they supposed to do? Women like me want men to be fearless, but fears keep them safe.
Although this seems to be a no-win situation, the solution is not as elusive as it appears. Let’s imagine for a minute that you’re a man asleep in bed. Your wife hears something that frightens her and she leans over to wake you up with wide eyes and a pounding heart. You sit together for a minute and hear it again. What do you do?
You have a few choices:
- You could fulfill your “manly duty” and go check it out, risking yourself while your wife cowers in bed.
- You could cower in your bed while your wife risks herself to check it out.
- Or, you could look at her and say something like, “You’re right, there’s definitely something making a noise out there, let’s figure out what to do,” and then discuss your options.
As scared as I am of the dark, my first choice is still option three. This type of interaction is respectful. It invites your wife into a partnership and communicates that you value her as an equal. As someone who panics a lot, I can tell you there’s nothing that soothes me as quickly as hearing someone say, “We can figure this out.” One brief phrase that communicates respect, responsibility and reassurance.
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If my husband were writing this article, he might tell you he would rather risk his own safety than see his family at risk. I can appreciate that because I feel the same way. There’s nothing worse than worrying about someone you love—which is why I would prefer to face a challenge with my husband than watch helplessly from the sidelines.
We would make the plan together, as partners, as equals, as a team. No assumptions would be made, no expectations set just because he’s a man.
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In my home, it’s possible that, together, we would formulate a plan for my husband to check out the noise while I check on the children, a logical choice since he’s twice my size. The point is that we would make the plan together, as partners, as equals, as a team. No assumptions would be made, no expectations set just because he’s a man.
Life happens, of course, and we can’t always control our circumstances, but we can control how we respond to them. When men and women handle dangerous or stressful situations together, without making assumptions based on gender, it allows both people to act out of choice, rather than obligation, and it breeds respect for both.
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This post has been republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStockPhoto
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So by quoting your unit nurse and backing up her opinion with your informal poll, you are suggesting, publicly, that the ONLY reason a woman needs a man is protect her? Wow. You and I clearly live in different worlds so I’m not going to try to change your mind. You are welcome to your opinions. I will clarify mine though just in case anyone reading this is confused. Men and women don’t “need” each other at all. I lived without a man for years and shockingly, I survived—even after a man broke into my apartment and waited for me… Read more »
I respect your opinion but I’m a guy that’s been married for 41 years and when it came to the sound in the middle of the night, there was no discussion, there was no need for it. I checked it out while my wife stayed put in our room. It’s simply what guys do and I’ve never met a guy who had issues with doing it. It’s a fair assumption that the guy does it. Is that to say that my wife can’t take care of herself or handle the situation? Heck no. I’m sure the guy that attacked her… Read more »
I like you boris … keep it simple
LOL, I showed my unit nurse (former Chicago police officer) the article. I asked if I could quote her and she said Yes. “Then what the F**ck to I need a man for if not to protect me.”
Took a survey of my peers
7 men.. #1
6 women .. #1 what they expected of their mates.
2 women (including nurse) .. #1 but stated they don’t have a man living with them but if they did…
Update … I just reviewed the options with additional male and female staff.
9 men.. #1
7 women .. #1 what they expected of their mates.
3 women (including nurse) .. #1 but stated they don’t have a man living with them but if they did…
Quote from a male staff “Where do you get this sh*t?”
@ Tom Brechlin My mom who’s 78 was shopping for groceries. She wanted to buy one of those 24 packs of water. One of the women working at the store asked her what she was doing trying to lift that pack at her age (mom is 5′ 3″ so isn’t big wither). She told my mom to come back with someone to lift it for her. None of the men offered to put it in her cart for her and she didn’t ask and I couldn’t agree more on how things turned out. She’s my mom, but I don’t think… Read more »
Takes nerves of steel to sit still and hash out a plan while who-knows-what is lurking in or around your home heh. Most people would have established the dynamic beforehand, as you and your husband have.
It is interesting to wonder about the extent of the instinct vs expectations influence. I don’t have kids, but when I volunteered as a camp counselor in my early twenties, I was keenly aware that I would die to protect one of the kids entrusted to me. There was no value judgment, and I didn’t even LIKE some of them, but that impulse felt as natural as breathing.
I agree, so interesting to wonder about that line. I suspect it’s different for everyone. It’s a beautiful instinct. I’m glad there are people like you in the world.
Well said. Planning ahead and having the conversation ahead of time makes everything easier.
You can’t expect all men to check out the noise since courage is not inherent in men. There was an article in GMP regarding this matter. It is kind of like soldiers to be brave on the battlefield; however, we know that there will be soldiers who will freeze or run away from the battlefield let alone not fire their weapons.
Exactly. Having a partner willing to solve the problem with you makes everyone less likely to freeze up.