Here I was championing the softer side of boys every day, but in real life I was communicating a desire for the exact opposite.
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I live in a house full of men: little men, big men, young men, and old men. Between my husband, four sons and all their friends, I have men of all shapes and sizes roaming through my house all the time. Not long ago, I started sharing what I’ve learned from observing all these men on a blog I called Boys Cry Too.
My goal was to convince everyone that teaching boys not to cry has a multitude of unhealthy side effects and we should stop. Shortly after my first few posts went live though, my husband looked at me and said, “What you’re saying on your blog is great, but you don’t really mean it.”
I desperately want an emotionally intelligent spouse who can converse intimately with me about our most vulnerable feelings. Except when I don’t.
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I was startled and asked what he meant. He continued, “When you wake me up in the middle of the night because you heard a noise that made you nervous, the last thing you want to hear is that I’m scared too.”
I was speechless, and I’m rarely speechless; but he was right.
I desperately want an emotionally intelligent spouse who can converse intimately with me about our most vulnerable feelings. Except when I don’t. Sometimes what I really want is a fearless, superhero who will walk through the house at four o’ clock in the morning and confront whatever strange noise I may have heard while I stand at the top of the stairs holding the phone.
I want sons who will talk about their feelings and make compromises instead of pummeling each other, but I also want them to defend themselves if someone picks on them at school. I want them to be peacemakers, but not pushovers. I want them to be obedient, and independent, confident, yet introspective. And since I’m being honest, I’ll just go ahead and say it: I want them to kick ass out on the field.
I want my husband to help with the dishes, change diapers, and fold laundry; but I’m more physically attracted to him when he comes inside sweaty from a day of manual labor. I hate guns, but I’m glad my husband knows how to use one. Sometimes I want him to hug me when I’m crying and other times I’d prefer he just make me laugh.
Women are too. Women’s contradictory expectations are actually helping in many ways to perpetuate the stereotypes men struggle against.
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When my husband pointed all this out to me, I was stunned. Here I was championing the softer side of boys every day on my blog, but in real life I was often communicating a desire for the exact opposite. I was a classic case of saying one thing and doing another, but blissfully unaware of my hypocrisy.
My point is this: men are not the only people being influenced by cultural definitions of masculinity. Women are too. Women’s contradictory expectations are actually helping in many ways to perpetuate the stereotypes men struggle against.
Women have been working to prove to society that they are more than the feminine stereotype for long enough that society now accepts many different brands of femininity. We need more courageous men to do the same — because you are more than the boxes we put you in.
I see you in my home every day. You are strong and smart and powerful; but you are also warm and tender and loving. You are each your own unique combination of all these things. The more society can see this, the more they will be able to accept and support you on your journeys to become the men you want to be.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Oh, yeah. What’s with “vulnerable”? Does it even have a meaning any more? Everybody knows dangerous stuff is scary. You do it anyway. Everybody knows that.
Further, whence cometh the presumption that doing or being the one precludes doing or being the other?
I have a problem with the premise of the article. Most men have been doing both without notable difficulty for millenia.
Why should noticing this be a surprise?
Your husnand was right. The question is what are you going to do with it? The fact of the matter is exactly what you said. Women have consistently fostered the man box because a) they get a benefit from it and b) subconsciously they in fact buy into it that they really are 2nd class. The sooner they figure that out the better off everyone will be. I just won’t be holding my breath for when it comes. And trust me, i harbor no ill feelings about feminism. At all. I just understand humans.
And that Mark, is really THE question, isn’t it? Even though your tone and word choice will be read as condescending and insulting by many, the phenomenon you describe is fascinating to me. An interesting read: http://www.willettsurvey.org/TMSTN/Gender/ComplementaryGenderSterotypes.pdf
I’m sorry if it sounds condescending as it wasn’t my intent at all. This is like emails that the cold words are given emotion by the reader. In any event you’ve written a good article on the internal quandry that really isn’t to be spoken about. But needs to be. But to be fair sometimes i get frustrated with descriptions of how things are and yet no movement toward resolution. So they just sit out there. The politically liberal have this problem. They want fairness and equality and whatever. But when i ask what that looks like so i can… Read more »
Subconscious verses the conscious level of thought. Is that where we want to go? Sadly, it’s where we’re going. The fist time my wife and I heard a strange noise in the night, there was no thinking, I went down stairs to check things out. It’s been that way for 40 years. Why do I say “sadly?” Because there was a time in my life that these (lack of any other term) roles were not questioned or even identified as a gender role. Guys just simply did what they did. Although my wife is fully capable of handling herself (Mexican… Read more »
Men are the ones to go check the sound in the night because they are usually the bigger and stronger ones, and a criminal will mostly also be another male, who will probably be stronger and bigger than a woman. That’s all.
When it comes to same sex couples, many (I would say most with no doubts, but I have no actual sources for that) of the times the stronger/bigger one will take the role.
It doesn’t speak much about the “tough guy” role or some kind of “man box”, to be honest.
And men are lucky, as women have been taught for centuries that they should be flexible. Lucky? Tell that to billions of men over the centuries who by virtue of their “lucky” opportunity to be inflexible have found themselves in an early grave. Women are lucky to have been taught that they can be flexible, that their lives have more intrinsic value by virtue of the fact that they are women, while the men are expected to go out and fight, and die. Where’s the luck in that? You are biased because the men you see are the ones who… Read more »
I can see where men would struggle with this. Which one am I suppose to be? When am I suppose to be it? And I agree that we shouldn’t teach boys (who grow up to be men) that they shouldn’t cry. That they must *always* be tough. But there is a difference between expecting your man to always be tough and wanting your man to sometimes be tough and other times be tender, isn’t there? Why isn’t it possible to want someone to be both tender and tough without being hypocritical? Don’t men want their women to be tough at… Read more »
But there is a difference between expecting your man to always be tough and wanting your man to sometimes be tough and other times be tender, isn’t there? Of course, but the problem is not that women want a man who can be both when occasion suits, but that there is a perception women feel they are the ones who get to decide when each occasion is. As her husband said, the last thing she would want to hear is “I’m scared too”. At the root of all this is the “Real Man” narrative – and a Real Man is… Read more »
Almost everyone is plenty of things at the same time. Yes, a person can wish… expect… or try to guess, based on past experiences with someone else what their reactions will be. Now, that doesn’t mean said person actually wants to DECIDE what that someone else will do, or how they will react. I’m positive some people would want to, of course. And that goes for any controlling person. On the rest, it’s just being accustomed to a pattern. If the person isn’t controlling, they will learn and also change accordingly. And men are lucky, as women have been taught… Read more »
You talk about women being flexible as though it’s a cross to bear, but there is no role more inflexible than that where you do not have a choice and will lose social standing for not adhering to them. With a name like “lolabunny” I am going to assume you are a woman, so perhaps you are not aware of the “Real Man” concept which means that men have less flexibility in expressing masculinity. Further, I assume you cannot see how the term “Real Man” is used as a shaming tactic to make men adhere to a pre-determined set of… Read more »
Hi Erin, thank you for your comment. FrankS articulated my thoughts well. What I’m talking about here is the difference between expecting and accepting.
I won’t argue with you about the different brands of femininity. You’re probably right. The point I was trying to make was simply that we’ve made progress.
Kudos to you for realising the double-bind, but may I ask a question: Why do you think so many women are resistant to accepting that there is a double-bind, let alone that they are in part responsible for it?
FrankS ask yourself how it benefits women to acknowledge the double bind? What is our incentive? Women who contribute to the double bind (not all do) and are resistant to accepting the part they play in it either don’t understand how the double bind contributes to gender inequality or they are incentivized to remain blind to it somehow.
Because down that road lies true gender equality. What we have at the moment is the unquestioned position that men have privilege in abundance and cannot suffer difficulty or obstacle. When a man does, it is seem as automatically less than otherwise equal suffering of any woman and for no other reason that that she is a woman.
We won’t have true equality until we drop this attitude of “it’s easy for you, you’re a man”.
FrankS ask yourself how it benefits women to acknowledge the double bind? What is our incentive? Please delete the previous comment, it had some typos and after revisiting I wanted to elaborate 🙂 Because down that road lies true gender equality and not the “we’ll keep the benefits of The Patriarchy(TM) if it’s alright with you” that present feminism promotes. What we have at the moment is the unquestioned position that men have privilege in abundance and cannot suffer difficulty or obstacle. When a man does, it is seem as automatically less than equivalent suffering of any woman, and for… Read more »
Being one self is not difficult at all. What is very difficult and confusing, is putting energy into becoming what one is not…listening to what others, who don’t know themselves, tell you that you aught to be like. Being oneself is natural and easy.
Percy, I dream of a world where everyone feels the same way you do.
Beautifully written. Enjoyed reading. I have to say that the best part was how your husband pointed out the bind that has been created through the push for me to strong, fearless yet in tune with emotions and compassionate. It is of my opinion that the male gender is currently on a path to recreate what it means to be a man. I hope that through this recreation or redefined perspective of men, men will begin to see that they are allowed to be both that assertive protector and that kind compassionate partner. As this unfolds it is my hope… Read more »
Thank you, John Glass. Your comment made me smile. I share your hope.
Its important for a man to be succesful with women. As well as being a biological imperative its also seen as being socially important, and for many a lot of self esteem is wrapped up in a successful relationship (not that we’d admit it). Our difficulty is simple. We dont know what women want. The fact that you are prepared to admit that you dont know what you want is as refreshing as it is frustrating. Instead of trying to teach men to jump through hoops (or to violently reject those hoops as the red pill brigade do) we should… Read more »
Kev, you hit the nail on the head. It’s okay to be real, but it’s difficult too – because everyone likes approval. Couldn’t agree more.
Hey, maybe this conversation is getting somewhere. It’s seems it will have to be made by women to make any headway.
Happy to help, PursuitAce.
I think you articulated well the double bind men sometimes face. Talking about its existence goes a long way to changing cultural expectations.
Thank you, Dave. I hope you’re right!