Human attraction is far more complex than it appears at first sight. We often feel like we have no power over who attracts us.
We also frequently find it hard to understand why we are drawn to a certain person. What is it about them that makes our hearts beat faster?
Well, whether we admit it or not, what draws us to someone in the first place, is their looks. I mean, we should all just admit it — good looks can be powerful. Combine them with charisma, status, and money, and you have a deadly combination. A combination that, unfortunately, is usually found in players.
play·er ~ someone who toys with the emotions of others when they have no intention of commitment whatsoever.
Clever. Charming. Charismatic. Well-dressed. They know exactly what to say and when to say it. They can make you fall head over heels for them before you even understand what’s going on.
And then, once they got what they want from you, they simply, disappear.
So, let’s say you just started dating someone who has a reputation for being a player. You can’t help but feel attracted to them.
They are sweet, attentive, and make you feel like you’re special. You know all about their past, but you feel things will be different this time — now that they’re with you. After all, people can change, right?
I’ve had so many women come to me with the exact same story. They had fallen for someone extremely beautiful and charming, but with an extremely bad reputation.
Their only question was, “How can I be certain that they have feelings for me/that I’m different than the others before me”, when what they should have been asking was whether a player can have feelings for anyone besides themselves.
Players Are Emotionally Unavailable
Emotions connect two people. Without them, you can’t have a healthy relationship.
Now, players are called “players” for a reason. They are emotionally unavailable, which means that they are unlikely to form any emotional bond with you or with anyone else they’ll romantically linked to.
In other words, when there’s no emotion, it is unlikely that a person will be honest, faithful, and genuine in any relationship they form.
You see, it’s not about you — it’s not that you’re not beautiful enough, smart enough, or “the one” for them. The person they dated before you and the one they’re going to date after you, will suffer the same fate as you. Your player will manipulate their feelings and emotions and then disappear without a trace.
The takeaway: It is important to understand that a player can’t have feelings for you because they don’t feel like having them — as long as they keep their emotional walls up, they won’t be able to form any meaningful relationship.
Players Are (Usually) Narcissists
Another thing you need to understand about narcissists is that they are also narcissists — and being involved with a narcissist never ends well.
According to the definition of narcissism,
“Narcissism is characterized by a grandiose sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy for others, a need for excessive admiration, and the belief that one is unique and deserving of special treatment.”
A narcissist will see your relationship as a means to get something they want, or to enhance their ego. They will never truly invest in your relationship, care about you or love you in any way.
As Darlene Lanser explains in her article in Psychology Today,
“It’s important to understand a narcissist’s mind. They see relationships as a means to get what they want, without concern for the feelings of the other person. Their only concern is what they can get out it. Relationships are used to enhance their ego and give them what they value, such as status, power, esteem, and sex.”
The takeaway: Being involved with a player equals being involved with a narcissist. They’ll use you to get something they want, to enhance their ego, or to simply pass their time — but without catching any feelings for you.
You Can’t Change a Player
“There may be many fish in the sea, but some just aren’t worth the fight.” — Anonymous
The idea that love can “fix” a person, is intriguing and exciting, to say the least. But the truth is, you can’t change someone who doesn’t want to be changed.
And that’s definitely true when it comes to players. They cannot be tamed. You may think that you’re “the one” that’ll make them change over time — from a hardcore player into Prince Charming.
Well, they can change, but only when they make the decision themselves to change their mentality and the way they approach relationships. They’ll probably need a specialist’s help, too.
The takeaway: No matter what you do, if a player is not ready to commit, they simply won’t commit. The sooner you realize that, the better, as you will save yourself both time and heartbreak. Plus, why bother trying to change a person when you can find someone far better for you out there?
Final Thoughts
I know that it can be difficult to distinguish the players from the good guys. After all, the former are smooth operators — they know exactly what to do to catch their prey.
If you happen to fall for a player, only to have them take advantage of you and then disappear, you shouldn’t feel foolish, weak, or stupid — it can happen to everyone. And, even though the word “player” is associated with men, women can be equally as cunning and manipulative players as men.
But, if you do know that someone you’ve met and started falling for has a bad reputation for being a player, it would be best to stay away from them. Dating is enough complicated as it is. Why put yourself into a situation that can never have a happy ending?
Remember, there are some good guys (and girls) out there. You deserve to be with one of them.
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Previously published on medium
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Photo credit: by Joanna Nix-Walkup on Unsplash