How to Tell It’s More Than Just a Temporary Fling

Most people don’t put a lot of thought into who they choose to be their partner. They settle.

Maybe it’s due to fear, loneliness, or they’re starving for connection. But they’ll ignore every single red flag to feel something. I did the same thing because this is how I felt. I didn’t want to be alone, and I wanted to settle down as soon as possible.

I’ve never bought into soulmates or twin flames, but I did settle for the first girl I went on a date with. I figured She’s the one, guess I’ll stick with her.

How convenient, right? You know, what are the odds that you just happen to stumble on the “one” on the first try? The actual odds of finding your most compatible person right at the start are very slim.

After that relationship with “the one” ended, I went around and dated so many girls that I’ve lost count at this point. I was on a mission to replace “the one” I lost.

And each time I met a new person, I would convince myself, Yep, she’s the one. Has to be. But then things would end, and I was left wondering what to do next…

So, I figured I’d read this book called, Dating Sucks, But You Don’t by Connell Barrett. There’s definitely useful insight. It covered the basics: emotional, sexual, and lifestyle compatibility. Values, growth all that stuff.

But the book leaves out a crucial point that’s not directly mentioned — though perhaps inferred. We can get so caught up in looking for red flags, deal-breakers, or trying to improve ourselves that we forget a crucial piece to the puzzle.

The other person and their intentions.

It doesn’t matter what your experience is with love, dating, and relationships, these four questions will help you filter out the fakers from the serious partners.

1. Are you romantically compatible?

Some people just aren’t meant to be together.

But… sometimes the wrong people try to make it work. When this happens, things tend to become unbalanced.

Things between you and the person you’re dating can involve a lot of passion (sexual chemistry) but lack commitment or intimacy (emotional connection).

That relationship can certainly feel great when sex is involved or if you’re deeply connected to the person, but that relationship WILL have a shorter shelf-life without a balance of all three things:

Intimacy
Commitment
Passion

Things tend to “feel right” when these values are present. You’ll know that there’s potential with that person. And if you can’t answer yes to this first question, nothing else really matters.

2. Do you share the same life values?

Once you’ve got the romantic foundation sorted out, the backbone of a legitimate relationship rests upon shared values.

It’s fairly simple.

If you’re vehemently against kids and they want children, that’s probably not going to work out.

Or if you’d rather sell everything and travel, but they want to own a home and settle down somewhere permanently, that will also be a source of contention.

If values don’t align, the relationship will struggle.

But don’t get too focused on things that look great “on paper.” I did this once and let my feelings about how “compatible” we were cloud my judgment.

She was an atheist, so I am. Didn’t want kids. Our political values were relatively close, and we both had a love for dark humor, the macabre, and the same kind of music.

I fell in love with her because I thought I found my “person.” But it all seemed too good to be true. I never thought I’d find someone like her again, but despite her “ticking” most of my boxes, it didn’t work out.

It didn’t work out because our emotional needs were too incompatible. But if you get caught up in your feelings you will miss stuff like that.

3. Do you both value growth in the relationship?

Personal growth doesn’t mean you have to always be looking to drop a bad habit or start a good one.

It doesn’t mean you have to read self-help books and “re-invent” yourself.

“Growing together” is more about taking ownership and not letting the relationship stagnate.

A partner who values growth will prefer to be empathetic, open-minded, and accountable for their mistakes.

They won’t try to avoid the issues that come up by pinning all the blame on you.

But when one partner refuses to be accountable and remains stuck in “their ways,” it puts undue strain on the relationship.

It’s great to look for people who are positive and growth-oriented, but it’s not like the relationship needs to be all about “growing and changing.”

Relationships aren’t meant to be self-improvement projects. Not every problem has to be a catalyst for growth. Sometimes all you need in a relationship is love and acceptance, not an expectation to “do better.”

4. Do they intend to be your partner?

Some people want the benefits of a partner — like companionship, status, emotional support of validation. But they’re not fully engaged or willing to be a partner themselves.

They’ll want it all, love, marriage, children, and relationships, but they treat their partner like a bench warmer.

They like the idea of having a partner but aren’t interested in being one themselves. It’s this mindset of “something for nothing.”

If the person you’re dating or already in a “relationship” with doesn’t make it a priority, it’s a situationship.

You can desire a relationship all you want, but unless you intend to actually be that to someone else, that “relationship” is merely a situationship in disguise.

Don’t fixate on their words. Focus on what they do. Anyone can like and make a promise they don’t intend to keep.

Are they planning dates or making an effort to see you? Do they even show up on time to said dates? Do you get the feeling they see the relationship as an “us” or “we?” Or do you get the feeling you’re being strung along?

Because some people will keep you around just for what you offer them.

This question is so critical because people get into “relationships” that are just situationships because they don’t do their due diligence by observing this quality.

This is what that book doesn’t directly mention. It’s vital to have the technique and social mastery when it comes to dating, but it doesn’t matter how great your social skills are.

If someone doesn’t care, being more charismatic will only carry you so far.

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Don’t settle for the wrong people.

This process of asking yourself these questions removes most of the “guesswork” of dating.

No matter how well your social skills are or how much you love them, if the person you’re dating does not share your values, want to grow with you, or does not want to be with you for reasons other than how you benefit them, that is not a relationship.

At best it’s a situationship. And you’re worth more than that.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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