How To Train Your Mind To Overcome a Breakup

Have you ever gone through a devastating heartbreak? Have you ever thought you’d never get over a relationship? Have you felt like giving up on love after a heartbreak?

My last breakup scarred me for life.

Mark and I were a perfect couple. We were high school sweethearts who shared the same interests, felt comfortable around each other, and had the same dreams. I felt like I was in a fairytale.

Everything changed when we went to college.

Although we loved each other, we couldn’t bear the distance. If we stayed together, it would hurt just as much as the breakup. After two great years, we instinctively knew it was over.

My first weeks in college were hell. I couldn’t focus on the lectures: all I could think of was Mark. I wondered what he was doing, whether he had met new people, and if he ever thought of me.

The problem is that, since we broke up on good terms, it felt impossible to move on.

Three months in, I got sick of it. I couldn’t spend my best years grieving my relationship. So I read books, spoke to my friends, and went to therapy. I decided to move on.

I found that the secret to overcoming your ex is in your mindset.

If you struggle to overcome breakups, these are the mindset shifts that helped me move on:

Adjust your routine.

Long-term relationships change your life because they become part of your routine. From the moment you receive a good morning text to a good night kiss: the person was part of you.

Breakups are difficult to overcome because they force you to create new habits.

So the first step is to create a new routine with habits that benefit you.

Write down your old habits that included your ex (be prepared for a long list). When you visualize the critical moments in your day, replace them with something you like.

Maybe instead of cuddling, you’ll read a good book. Maybe instead of waiting for the good morning text, you’ll exercise. Maybe instead of cooking together, you’ll learn new recipes.

However, this change is a long-term process — it takes time to build a new routine. So be patient and respect your time.

Accept the uncomfortable.

Creating a new routine sounds beautiful in theory.

In the movies, the protagonist takes this moment as a massive transformation. So instead of seeing the grief, you see the motivational process.

Reality will be much different.

The truth is, every change is uncomfortable — even if it benefits you.

To make things worse, your mind loves routine and hates change. So you’ll feel grief not only because of the relationship but also because of your old life. And that is okay.

The secret is to embrace the uncomfortable feeling instead of avoiding it.

When you expect things to go smoothly, all you get is frustration. In reality, everyone feels uncomfortable from time to time. It’s like something is simply out of place. But this feeling helps you to accept your new life.

The sooner you embrace your new life, the sooner you’ll move on.

It is temporary.

The good (and bad) news is: nothing lasts forever.

This realization is frustrating because it means your relationship won’t last — even long-term relationships change dramatically over time. But it is also the best mindset to have after a breakup.

Your bad feelings will not last forever.

Yes, it feels like it’s the end of the world, and life will never be the same. When you’re experiencing this grief, I know it’s nearly impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Here’s what I want you to do: imagine your life six months in the future. By then, you might still hurt and think of the relationship, but I bet it doesn’t hurt as much as now.

Next, imagine your life five years ahead. Now you have perfectly adjusted to your new routine. Of course, you still remember the relationship, but it doesn’t haunt you anymore. You may even be dating again.

When you put your life in perspective, the pain feels smaller — and easier to overcome.

People come and go.

Life is a single-player game. Your relationships are a reflection of the stage you are in life.

Think back to your high-school friends. Are you still in touch with them? Is the bond still the same as it was back then? Now, think of your parents. Yes, they might still be in your life. But think of when you finally became independent and left their place. Your relationship changed, didn’t it?

The only certainty in relationships is that they will change.

This mindset is not negative: it’s a natural process of life. People come and go, and that’s fine. It doesn’t mean people around you don’t matter. On the contrary: understanding that relationships end makes them even more precious.

So don’t feel upset with your partner because they left. Instead, accept the fluidity of relationships.

The only person who will be there in all moments of your life is you.

When you go through a breakup, take this opportunity to strengthen your relationship with yourself.

The power to overcome a breakup is in your mind. It’s a moment of change in your life — so take this opportunity to shape your life the way you want.

Yes, I know the pain feels unbearable. But the truth is, you can’t control relationships. These mindset shifts will give you the strength to go through this change.

—

This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

***

From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

—

Photo credit: Shutterstock