My partner J (aka bae) and I have lived together for almost 10 years, now we share a small apartment in Tokyo. We like each other and when I’m in a chatty mood (which is often) my favorite activity is to chat him up.
He worked from home during the last few years. I’d come home and want to tell him about all the office drama. He’s a great listener so it could go on for hours until I felt resolved.
Now I work from home, and J goes to an office. But when he comes home, I’m still in the habit of chatting him up. I’m learning to be a better listener and ask about his day while he unwinds and eats dinner.
The problem:
I don’t have two hours to give to him every day. I could of course, but I’m juggling a few projects and prioritizing skill development and getting my business off the ground. I give myself time to relax for lunch, exercise, and walk outside, but those only work if I stick to my schedule.
He walks in the door I’m gushing all over him and suddenly hanging out for longer than planned. Now when he goes to sleep I’m up late trying to stay on task.
We’ve tried strategies before but they always fell apart:
Designated date nights
To minimize us wanting to spend time together whenever we see each other, we planned designated hangout time. Wednesday evenings and Saturday were reserved for dating.
But J is super social, and if friends were getting together he’d always message me casually that friends were going to dinner and ask if it is okay to move our hang-out to the next day. Saying no is hard, so I always agree. But that ruins the whole point of consistency. We tried several times to pick specific days and times, but they always fell apart within two weeks.
Door closed, do not disturb
We have our own rooms, which serve as our own office and sleeping space when we want to sleep separately because of different schedules. We tried a strategy of when our door is closed, the other won’t open or disturb us.
But then winter came and Japanese apartments don’t have central heating. Using a space heater in his office, J kept the door closed all the time. I knew he wasn’t always working and got in the habit of intruding after I went to the bathroom that’s next to his office. I broke the agreement.
The talk that COVID-19 forced
He works for a school, and Japanese schools shut down in late February so he’s been working from home for over six weeks. And he also needed to focus while at home now. It was the perfect opportunity to fix our problem of disturbing each other that’s been driving me crazy for months.
Admitting I needed help
The thing is — J wasn’t distracting me, I was distracting myself with him as my object of attention. I had to acknowledge that fact to myself and accept the blame. Our relationship operates on him being more open, and me making decisions. So if I’m deciding to distract us, he opens up for it, and thus the problem.
I told J I need his help in both of us staying on task. My office is near the kitchen and he likes to snack, so, he’d stop by while getting some raisins and I lost focus. I was barging into his room even when the door was closed and throwing him off task.
So I asked for his leadership — make a strong change and stop talking to me when you come into the kitchen, and I will use that as motivation to not talk to you when I go to the bathroom.
He accepted the challenge.
Going over specifics
Don’t just take for granted what you’ve always done before. Quarantine might require a new normal.
We discussed the need to set boundaries. And how we can’t just talk about them, we have to respect and abide by those boundaries. Together we decided on:
- Specific hangout times: We chose twice during the week, and one day on the weekend.
- Not pushing the other to break a commitment: He won’t bail on our designated hangout times.
- Restraining ourselves: I won’t try to talk to him when his door is closed.
- Balancing housework: We’re good at this already, but now with more activities done at home we had to readdress how we divide dishes, cooking, laundry, etc.
Tips to make it work
- Message each other (from across the house) to avoid interruption: Sometimes I think of something that I don’t want to forget, but it’s not urgent. So I send him an email or a chat. And he started doing the same.
- Make it about helping the other person: For any relationships with two procrastinators like us who like making the other happy — this is a great tactic. We’re both weak at staying accountable to ourselves. But we’ve found success by swapping tasks, where I do things for J and he does things for me, that otherwise, we would procrastinate on.
. . .
Starting during this time of social isolation has made things easier, with less to throw us off. My dance classes are closed, his basketball games are canceled. He’s not going into the office and I’m not taking hiking trips on weekends. It’s the perfect opportunity to figure out how we want to operate in the house together and get used to new habits.
Japan is going into full lockdown now, so things won’t go back to normal for a while. But when they do, we’ll have a solid foundation to work from. With established habits and control of our desire to distract each other.
It is a sensitive time for many couples and families. But the change of schedule and environment could be the opportunity to address things that have built up for a while.
What can you work out during COVID-19 quarantine that you’ve been sweeping under the rug?
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love and is republished here with permission from the author.
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Photo credit: Unsplash