It was 8:00 PM on Christmas Eve as I sat in the passenger seat of a rental car, decaf coffee in hand, wiping away tears as my husband and I embarked on a 16-hour drive to say goodbye to my Grandma, hoping that we’d make it in time before she passed away.
Amidst the chaos of 2020, my 92-year old Grandma had become one of my closest confidants. Our weekly phone calls at 11:15 each Friday morning uplifted me and always seemed to put life into perspective.
Until mere days before that rainy Christmas Eve, she’d still been in good health and no one could have foreseen that she merely had days to live. After I arrived on Christmas day, she passed away 30 hours later.
…
How to Make Daily Progress in Your Life
We all know that loss was a common theme in 2020. Whether your loss was a person, job, a dream to travel the world, or something else, I hope you know that while YOUR situation is your own, YOU are not alone.
I’m not a mental health professional, or in the health profession at all. But, as a fellow human experiencing tremendous grief, I know that not sharing what is helping me each day would be a tremendous disservice to you.
It’s been a little over a month since my Grandma’s death, and here’s what is helping me to process and move forward.
…
1. Write Down the Life Lessons You’ve Learned From the Loss
After sharing my loss with a previous boss and mentor, he asked me this great question, “What are some of the life lessons you learned from her?”
He continued that in his experience, reflecting on the positive experience that the person or situation had on our life can allow us to honor the memory and also guide us towards what we want our own legacy to be.
Reflecting in this way can be a powerful reminder that the memories, love, and lessons are far greater than the sorrow.
…
2. Stick to 1–3 Small Daily Goals (Yes Brushing Your Teeth Counts)
For the first two weeks, after my Grandma died, I didn’t make it through a single day without sobbing.
While it seemed like everyone else was making massive progress on their 2021 goals and resolutions, I was just trying to make it through the day.
Grief can deplete you to such an extent that the slightest tasks become monumental, and what previously was easily achievable now may seem insurmountable, — Therese Rando, Ph.D
If you’re in a similar season of life, lower the bar. Not forever, just for today, a week, or even a month, and then re-evaluate.
For example, these were my daily goals:
- Complete work for the day
- Read as much as you want to
- Meditate for 3 minutes + pray for 3 minutes
Even if your goals are extremely basic, hitting them each day will give you a little sense of normalcy and contentment.
…
3. Ask for Support (Regardless of Whether You Think You Need It or Not)
Most of us (myself included) HATE asking for help or showing people that we’re struggling.
Loss and grief are inevitably lonely but you don’t need to go through it alone.
Be honest with your spouse/partner, friends, or family members about how you’re feeling and what they can do to support you.
Your friends and family probably want to help you, but are afraid to say the wrong thing or just don’t know how to go about it.
While it might seem easier to assume that others will come to you, put your ego aside and ask for what you need.
Grief knits two hearts in closer bonds than happiness ever can; and common sufferings are far stronger links than common joys. — Alphonse de Lamartine
As soon as I started opening up more, I felt so much better. The simple act of talking seemed to make a massive difference.
This can also be a great bonding experience. As you vulnerably share your own loss, you’ll create the space for others to reciprocate and offer experiences of their own.
…
4. Indulge in a Hobby You Love
I’ve always loved to read, but in the past month especially, reading has brought me so much happiness.
I remember feeling immense guilt for taking 3 hours in one day to read a novel. However, afterward, I felt so refreshed and was able to return to my work and finish my tasks so much faster than if I had trudged through and not read. Plus, working for myself, I should take advantage of unconventional breaks more often.
In fact, while I didn’t realize it initially, According to Psychology Today, healthy distractions can be an important part of the grieving process.
When we are experiencing grief, it is easy to lose track of what can bring us comfort. It’s so important to allow ourselves positive reflection and doing things that bring us joy. Healthy distractions while in the midst of grief are extremely important. — Adam Clark LCSW, AASW
While you might not be feeling much comfort in this particular moment, think about what activities or hobbies you’ve enjoyed in the past.
Here are a few ideas:
- Walking or other exercises
- Journaling
- Cooking
- Taking a bath
- Watching movies
- Playing games
- Taking a class or course
…
5. Have a Guiding Principle to Give You Direction
Each day I try to remind myself of two key ideas.
- Even in loss and sorrow, there is still a joy to be found, so long as I take the time to look for it.
- Life is full of peaks and valleys and once you can get through a valley, it makes the peak moments or seasons even more meaningful.
Find a quote, affirmation, or think up an idea of your own that seems to ring true for where you are right now.
The goal here is to find an idea that resonates with you and reminds you that the struggle you are encountering today will not persist forever.
…
6. Turn Your Loss Into an Awakening Experience
As Irvin D. Yalom wrote in the book, Staring at the Sun: Overcoming the Terror of Death:
Confronting death need not result in despair that strips away all purpose in life. On the contrary, it can be an awakening experience to a fuller life.
Loss and death truly remind of us the fragility of life. If there is one positive to be scraped from the pit of sorrow, it’s the renewed perspective that our time on this earth is limited and finite.
Allow yourself to consider what you truly want in life, and consider the tangible steps that you will need to take to get to your intended future.
While we can’t control all our circumstances, we still hold immense power to set the direction and path that we wish to pursue.
…
The future is always beginning now. — Mark Strand
If you found this post helpful, make sure to click here to join my weekly Fun Letter for updates on Personal Growth, Productivity, and Remote Work Life.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project and want a deeper connection with our community, please join us as a Premium Member today.
Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS. Need more info?
A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: Anthony Tran on Unsplash