Why is it called a “man hug” when two men put their arms around each other?
It’s not exactly news to anyone that men usually have a different relationship with their bodies than women. There isn’t as much pressure on them to look like photo-shopped models (a beer belly can be “cute,” while women are likely to be advised to lose some weight), but on the other hand, all the responsibility for whatever happens or does not happen in the bedroom seems to traditionally fall on men. The way society is structured, women are supposed to be insecure about their bodies and men should worry about how they make use of theirs in the bedroom.
Unless women are too overtly sexual (“sluts”), their bodies and behaviours are seen as sexually passive. This isn’t a reflection of reality—it’s actually an increasingly false stereotype, based on an out-dated assumption that women aren’t into sex as much as men are. However, most of these stereotypes are still alive and kicking.
As a result, behaviors that would likely be interpreted as sexual if a man were performing them are usually dubbed “friendly” if done by a woman—things like patting, hugging, putting an arm around someone, or even a smooch. In real life, this means that in western societies women are given more freedom to express their feelings physically (society generally gives women more space for being “emotional,” which, like anything, has its advantages and disadvantages). Female friends hug, hold hands, and sleep in one bed with no problems whatsoever.
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Men, on the other hand, have worked out elaborate rituals to minimize physical contact or “institutionalize” it. (Hugging is OK if you’ve just had a baby or your football team won a major game.) That’s mostly because men are seen as sexual aggressors and male initiation of the physical contact is often interpreted as sexual. I’m the first one to admit I’m guilty of this myself. I have a few male friends who tend to do a lot of arm touching when they speak, and I find this uncomfortable. And it’s not just about private space violation—I don’t mind when my female friends, who I’m as close with, do the same thing.
Haven’t we all witnessed/been part of men awkwardly trying to show affection, not knowing whether to just stick their hands out or to go for a “man hug?” (Why does there even have to be a “man hug?” Isn’t it just a hug? Or are hugs female by definition?) I can’t imagine just sticking my hand out for a semi-formal handshake with my parents after not seeing them for months. And my male friends do this all the time.
Of course, this goes beyond contacts amongst adults. Some time ago, Hugo Schwyzer wrote an excellent post called “Hug Your Daughters,” addressed to the fathers in the audience. Somehow we don’t need to be asking mothers to physically show affection for their children, and it’s got nothing to do with women being more affectionate than men (although some undeniably are, but maybe they were simply brought up that way?). It’s rather about men worrying they will be “inappropriate.” And why would it be inappropriate? Why should hugging and being affectionate toward a family member be seen as wrong on any level? Well, it really is all about gender perceptions, stereotypes, and socialization. I’m a firm believer that these terms explain much more about individuals’ behavior than does evolutionary biology (and I’m actually trained as an evolutionary biologist!).
Because society tells us (and science keeps disproving) that all men want is sex and they want it all the time, we get a little iffy about grown men hanging around small kids. If men think about sex all the time, what’s to stop them from doing so when they’re hugging a kid? And thinking about sex while hugging a kid is wrong on very many levels. But there’s an easy way out, right? Just stop hugging kids, or people generally, except for romantic partners.
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Just recently another “all men are sexual predators waiting to happen” type of story got a lot of attention. A mommy blogger posted a piece on how outraged she is that her daughter’s preschool allows for men to accompany kids to the bathroom. The post has since been taken down, but before that happened anyone interested could read about how every man is a pedophile until proven otherwise. Her original post actually talks about how her husband is well aware of the potential danger he might seem to pose to other kids and is appropriately paranoid:
My husband said the same thing, that he would never dare be alone with a strange child, just because of the potential of false accusations. He even said that if he ever found himself home with Kira and a friend of hers that he would sit in one spot with a camera on him at all times until I came home LOL.
Lol? Seriously? Somehow I don’t find this at all funny—I actually think it’s a pretty sad statement about gender stereotypes in our society. Yes, most sentenced pedophiles are men, just as women constitute the vast majority of parents sentenced for inflicting disease and harm to their children to get medical attention (this used to be called the “Munchausen by proxy syndrome”). Yet we would never dare assume that every mom bringing her child to the hospital has hurt him or her, and similarly it’s wrong and harmful to assume that every man is a potential pedophile.
A lot of the talking, thinking, and arguing about sex and gender focuses on women. I think there are good historical and cultural reasons for this, but that’s not to say that men don’t have to tackle sexual stereotypes and gendered perceptions of their behavior every day. Making sweeping judgments about people’s sexual behaviours and interpersonal relationships based on gender is wrong, sexist—and very common. It would truly be to the benefit of all of us if we tried to put a stop to it.
—Photo CarbonNYC/Flickr
Other cultures are different, you know. I have lived in Asia. Men holding hands with other men happens all the time, and no, they are not gay. They dance with each other too. But our society is so afraid of being labeled “gay”, the men that is, it robs them of the necessary male bonding. I understand the limits and what is acceptable and unacceptable, as most men do. And most won’t cross those boundaries. If a guy is gay, he is not going to risk getting a punch in the mouth if he crosses those boundaries with a straight… Read more »
As for men being denied hugging children…my father is a good, kind man but his fear of being seen as perverted meant that there are only a few instances where he interacted with my brother and I. My dad may be an extreme case, but I think we as a society need to talk more about the damage to everyone when men are cast as predators. I know it hurts my dad to be so distant. Its one of the things that really annoys me about feminism, on one hand I’m supposed to see my partner as a potential pervert… Read more »
Come to think of it…men have many ways of showing affection and warmth in relationships. Why the focus on the men who don’t hug?
“Men, on the other hand, have worked out elaborate rituals to minimize physical contact or “institutionalize” it. (Hugging is OK if you’ve just had a baby or your football team won a major game.)” When was this worked out by what committee that represents all “men?” Whoever thinks this way needs to get out more. That’s an imbalanced untrue generalization. How about presenting some balanced and reasonable facts here and there? Nah, that might make it too hard to put the anti-male spin on the subject. A balanced and reasonable view would be to note that more men… Read more »
I’ve noticed more men hugging too! Sometimes, some men will seem a little uncomfortable with it, particularly when they are unsure of how that gesture will be received.
Come to think of it…where are all these hugging women? I have yet to be hugged by a woman other than my mother, in spite of having several close female friends, yet there are several men who are friends and acquaintances that hug me on a regular basis. I rarely see women hugging unless it on tv…
Thanks for this story, Maria. I launched a Hug Tour in April to show the people I care about most, that I care. A hug is a simple way to share love. I hope that it encourages everyone to take that extra moment when meeting a loved one and acknowledge it. Put down your drink and hug like you mean it. Both arms around each other. I think you and I have similar perspectives – think about what you’re doing and why. If we want to be loved, then love. If we are all scared to touch one another or… Read more »
I’m a hugger. And I’ve changed and wiped kids who aren’t my own. If someone had a problem with me helping out simply because I’m a man, I would go ballistic. Yet I have to admit, I get a little funny about certain things when it comes to guys. Two guys reaching in the chip bowl at the same time, any talking/touching while at the urinal (with the exception of sporting events and concerts) and kisses on the cheek are all things that creep me out. I hug all my friends (male and female), yet there are certain situations that… Read more »
As far as hugs go: Whether the person I am hugging is male or female, I give (and expect in return) a full-contact hug or nothing. If you’re going to give me this little half-hearted leaner shit, then don’t bother. Ladies, if your breasts happen to touch my chest, it doesn’t constitute a sexual assault, nor does it automatically trigger an erection. And men, if our chests touch, it does not constitute a homosexual encounter. Get over yourselves and either hug me or don’t bother. As for the whole “all men are sexual predators waiting to happen” thing… I probably… Read more »
wow, i have spent plenty of time in bathrooms with small children, mine and my relative’s and friend’s, changing diapers and then wiping asses when the time came. I also tend to hug my guy friends full on, not man lean in but full body contact. I hug my sons and daughter too. I must be pathological.
Hey Hugo http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-N6j699vzA&feature=relmfu