I respect her and our differences.
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There has been a lot of research done on the phenomenon of husbands abusing their wives, its causes and triggers. There have been studies and discourses linking this unpleasantness to the sheer ‘maleness’ of men. Being a man, I naturally got my interest piqued.
Some of these studies conclude that men who lack certain economic or educational statuses, or even moral stances, are more likely to hit their wives than others. As a man, I can identify with the questions these studies ask, and I can agree with the views raised during the different discourses. However, I also disagree with a few.
In all, I have come to the conclusion that the very reason I will not hit my wife is not because of a religious affiliation or a college research paper. The main reason is because I am a man, and I understand what that means.
Here are five reasons why as a man, I will never hit my wife.
1. – I Understand That She Is a Woman
To me, being a man means a lot more than being male. It means that I have understood that I am different from my wife. It means that I have accepted that, because of the culture we were raised in, she will always think, act, or, most especially, talk in a different way than I do. As a responsible and self-aware man, I have accepted these differences, and I am comfortable with them.
I understand that talking, for instance, is what many women do a lot more than most men. Trying to shut her up will get her frustrated. Forcing her to be like me rather than being herself will not be fair either. This understanding means I won’t respond aggressively when she says something that pisses me off. Rather I will seek to hear her out, and talk through the issue with her.
Lastly, I understand that she is a woman and, in our case, much weaker than I am physically. That means that I prefer other means of diffusing tension — though, even if we were evenly matched, bringing things to a physical place is an unnecessary step in the wrong direction. I could ignore her if she is trying to bait me. I could leave the house and take a walk down the street. I could smile and nod. I could say “let’s talk about this later.” But I will never raise my hand.
2. – I Understand That I Am a Man
A lot of people have undergone gender reassignment surgeries in the past decade. And to avoid confusion, you may need to ask in order to know what gender someone really is. Thankfully, I am not shy about my own gender. I am male.
What this means for me is that I want to be the kind of person my wife can count on and look up to in a lot of ways. I am not confused about this, and I think I am good at fulfilling her expectations of me, so I see no need to ‘prove’ my superiority by responding to her aggressively for any reason.
Testosterone has been, rightly or wrongly, blamed for almost all negative actions of men — from domestic violence to belching. I understand, however, that I am ultimately responsible for my own actions, and it is immature for me to blame a hormone for what I do. Moreover, recent studies have shown that there is really no direct relationship between testosterone and aggressive behavior.
3. – I Deal With Stress Sober
I have never quite agreed with the drunken bum theory of wife beating, which says that alcohol on its own is enough of a reason for a man to strike a woman. I believe that spousal abuse can be instigated by a whole lot of other things. They can usually range from someone’s attitude to huge amounts of stress and frustration with work, family, or other life-related issues, combined with a disposition for violence. Drinking alone doesn’t do it.
However, I also know that alcohol has never helped the situation either. I believe for instance, that being a man means holding on to your inhibitions as much as you hold on to your pride. I know it may be tougher for many men to hold back than to hit. But as a man, I consciously choose to take the ‘tougher’ route.
As a matter of principle, I don’t drink. But assuming I do, I will deliberately resist the urge to go ‘drink with the guys’ when I know there is a tense atmosphere at home, or a tricky topic is likely to come up at the dinner table. When I am stressed up and know that there are enough sparks at home to light the fire, I will also make sure I stay away from the bottles.
Alcohol takes away inhibition so I will wisely choose to stay away when I know I really need those inhibitions.
4. – I Know What Real Communication Looks Like
I know most times, my wife really just wants to communicate. I equally understand that in heated moments, communication can become tense, and words could ‘fly’ across the room from both ends.
Most of these ‘flying’ words are things nobody really means, and many times apologies have to be rendered because of them. Unfortunately, these things happen often. In an ideal communication setting, it shouldn’t. But I understand that in real life communication, they could.
I equally understand that my hands and my mouth are two different organs. This means that words can fly without the hands getting involved. Better still, when we both notice that the environment seems tense, we can both choose to talk later, or, at least take turns in ‘diffusing steam.’
5. – I Really Just Hate Stereotypes
I have heard so many men tell me “you just have never faced what I face. I tell you sometimes you need to put her in her place!”
To that, I usually tell myself, “She is in her place and I, in mine. She is the woman and I am the man.” What could be easier to understand than that?
I hate that some people assume that all men hit their wife at some point. I appreciate that all men could ‘feel’ like hitting their wives sometimes, but I have decided never to do it just so I never fall within a statistic. I have decided to break the stereotype even if only for myself.
Moreover, ‘feeling’ like doing it doesn’t mean I have to ever do it. I mean, I have gotten so pissed with some people in the past that I have ‘felt’ like doing so many awful things to them which I have never done.
If I am really a man, it means among other things that I make my own decisions, and stand by them no matter what the popular opinion is. As a man, therefore, I have decided that hitting my wife is one of those things I will never do, period.
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Photo:
This is just dumb. But I’ll add it to the list.
1. Don’t hit my partner
2. Don’t pee on an electric fence.
3. Don’t stick things in electrical sockets
4. Don’t stick tongue on cold metal.
5. Don’t take a nap on railroad tracks.
What about when females hit men?
Beyond that, yes. Violence is not in the marriage vows and their is no reason, not ever for either party to strike the other in any way, not even threaten.
(and you should have never let me know that you have a that familiar sense of humor!)
“I am a Man and I Will Never Hit My Wife: Here’s Why”
Being a man, why would you even need a motivation or justification NOT to hit your wife?
Right? Shouldn’t that be the default regardless?
It should, but it is n’t so for everyone. That’s why we still have cases of spousal abuse and wife battery in the courts
Wait a second here, Toby. Are we talking no spanking also?
Perhaps I read your intention the wrong way, DJ.
But I guess that if the “spanking” is somewhat mutually agreed upon and consentual, it doesn’t qualify as abuse… 🙂
Yeah you’d think male brains just develop some innate desire to hit women and we have to get deprogrammed.