I respect her and our differences.
There has been a plethora of research on the common phenomenon of wife beating, its causes and triggers. There have been studies and discourses linking this unpleasantness to the sheer ‘maleness’ of men. Being a man, I naturally got my interest piqued.
I can identify with a lot of the studies and I can agree with a lot of the views raised during the different discourses. I also disagree with a few.
In all, I have come to the conclusion that the very reason I will not hit my wife is not because of a religious affiliation or a college research paper. The main reason is because I am a man, and I understand what that means.
Here are five reasons why as a man, I will never hit my wife.
1. – I Understand That She Is a Woman
To me, being a man means a lot more than being male. It means that I have understood that I am very different from my wife. It means that I have accepted that she will always think, act, or most especially talk in a different way than I do. As a responsible man, I have accepted these differences, and I am comfortable with them.
I understand that talking, for instance, is what women do a lot more than most men. Trying to shut her up will get her frustrated. Forcing her to be like me rather than being herself will not be fair either. This understanding means I won’t respond aggressively when she says something that pisses me off. Rather I will seek to hear her out, and talk through the issue with her.
Lastly, I understand that she is a woman and much weaker than I am physically. That means that I prefer other means of diffusing tension without using the hand. I could ignore her. I could leave the house and take a walk down the street. I could smile needlessly. I could say “let’s talk about this later”. But I will never raise my hand.
2. – I Understand That I Am a Man
A lot of people have undergone gender reassignment surgeries in the past decade. And to avoid confusion, you may need to ask in order to know what gender someone really is. Thankfully, I am not confused about my own gender. I am male.
What this means for me is that I am naturally in a place where my wife looks up to me in a lot of ways. I am not confused about this either, so I see no need to ‘prove’ my superiority by responding to her aggressively for any reason.
Testosterone has been blamed for almost all negative actions of men from domestic violence to belching. I understand however that I am responsible for my own actions, and it is immature for me to blame a hormone for what I do. Moreover, recent studies have shown that there is really no direct relationship between testosterone and aggressive behavior.
3. – I Deal With Stress Sober
I have never quite agreed with the drunken Bum theory of wife beating. I believe that wife beating is instigated by a whole lot of other things. They can usually range from my wife’s attitude to my huge amounts of stress and frustration with work, and other life-related issues.
I also know that alcohol has never helped the situation either. I believe for instance, that being a man means holding on to your inhibitions as much as you hold on to your pride. I know it is naturally tougher for many men to hold back than to hit. But as a man, I consciously choose to take the ‘tougher’ route.
As a matter of principle, I don’t drink. But assuming I do, I will deliberately resist the urge to go ‘drink with the guys’ when I know there is a tense atmosphere at home, or a tricky topic is likely to come up at the dinner table. When I am stressed up and know that there are enough sparks at home to light the fire, I will also make sure I stay away from the bottles.
Alcohol takes away inhibition so I will wisely choose to stay away when I know I really need those inhibitions.
4. – I Know What Real Communication Looks Like
I know most times, my wife really just wants to communicate. I equally understand that in heated moments, communication can become tense, and words could ‘fly’ across the room from both ends.
Most of these ‘flying’ words are things nobody really means, and many times apologies have to be rendered because of them. Unfortunately, these things happen often. In an ideal communication setting, it shouldn’t. But I understand that in real life communication, they could.
I equally understand that my hands and my mouth are two different organs. This means that words can fly without the hands getting involved. Better still, when we both notice that the environment seems tense, we can both choose to talk later, or, at least take turns in ‘diffusing steam’.
5. – I Really Just Hate Stereotypes
I have heard so many men tell me “you just have never faced what I face. I tell you sometimes you need to put her in her place!”
To that, I usually tell myself, “She is in her place and I, in mine. She is the woman and I am the man.” What could be easier to understand than that?
I hate that everyone assumes that all men hit their wife at some point. I appreciate that all men could ‘feel’ like hitting their wives sometimes, but I have decided never to do it just so I never fall within a statistic. I have decided to break the stereotype even if only for myself.
Moreover, ‘feeling’ like doing it doesn’t mean I have to ever do it. I mean, I have gotten so pissed with some people in the past that I have ‘felt’ like doing so many awful things to them which I have never done.
If I am really a man, it means among other things that I make my own decisions, and stand by them no matter what the popular opinion is. As a man, therefore, I have decided that hitting my wife is one of those things I will never do, period.