I Am Sure, I Want To Marry Her

You don’t find love, it finds you.

It’s got a little bit to do with destiny, fate and what’s written in the stars.
— Anais Nin

I found love when I was least expecting it. Read Part 1 HERE.

In marriage, I was looking for a companion. In my husband, I was looking for a friend with whom I could share the darkest of my secrets and still feel safe. In my romantic relationship, I was looking for a partner who would let me be myself.

Marriage is sacred and I wanted it to be as pure as it could be. I wished for no place of mistrust, dishonesty and manipulation. I was looking for positive energy that would lift me up. I was looking for support, encouragement and respect. I wanted care more than love.

…

I knew that my heart craved for him. I knew I longed to become his, forever. I was sure we would make a great couple. I was certain that he was into me, with all his heart. He had admitted it several times by now. He had accepted me with the ugliest of my experiences.

He was not willing to wait. Neither was I. In our minds, both of us had built a life with each other. No, we did not day dream about each other, nor did we go on our social media bragging about how much we love and miss each other. We did not plan any online dates or ink our bodies with tattoos. What we did instead was, talk about how our future would be, we used to comfort each other mentally, support each other, talk things out and all in all, understand each other.

We were in a complicated phase where both of us knew what we wanted but couldn’t convince our parents for it because COVID restrictions were still in place and inter-state travel was not allowed unless death or emergency. Mine or his parents could not visit each other to talk and finalize things between our families.

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You see, in arranged marriages, it is important to involve families. In those six months, he got at least four other proposals. Was he to simply ignore them? He has his heart laid out for me, does that mean he is no longer a prospecting candidate for marriage? What are his parents supposed to answer to their relatives who bring him proposals?

Even my parents needed an assurance or simply a confirmation of the relationship that I shared with him. Who am I kidding! I, myself, needed an affirmation because six long months of effort, time and emotions had made me impatient about where we would land. If we are to get married, progress must be made.

Our parents were not aware of the depths we had reached into our relationship. They did not know that love was blooming in our hearts and we were working out ways to make us a hit. They did not know that we were thinking of a future together and that we enjoy each other’s company. They had to be told.

…

With the 99% surety that I held, I decided to proceed.

It was time to break the ice between families. We arranged a video call for our parents. This call was supposed to —

Introduce me to his parents
Introduce him to my parents
Introduce our parents to each other

We both were nervous. It is important that his parents like me. I knew my parents would love him. I started to get anxious — What if they don’t like me? What if I say something that might offend them? What if they only focus on how many dark circles I have and ignore everything else? He has a fair complexion and what if they find me dark colored and not so appealing? I got well-dressed, wore a little make up and let my hair down.

A few minutes after the call, he told me he was equally anxious about meeting my parents. We both said — “Well, it’s only natural!”

The call started and to be honest, it was not a great call. Our parents interacted with each other awkwardly (they talked about weather, our cities and their professions). There was a lot of voice lag and it created a lot of confusion.

Once the introductions and pleasantries were exchanged, his parents asked me a few questions — mostly about my education, career and my willingness to live abroad. I was so nervous, I don’t even remember now what exactly I answered but I was confident and respectful.

Now it was his turn. My parents asked him about his masters in Ireland and his current work profile, his company and how cold it usually gets in Ireland. Ah! It was so formal. He replied nicely and explained about his life and work in Ireland.

You see, this indicates a lot about cultural underpinnings related to marriage. In the patriarchal set up of Indian society, a girl moves in with her husband’s family and leaves her father’s home, for life. Her husband’s house and family becomes hers after marriage. Therefore, her adaptability and flexibility to adjust in a new and different household is an important aspect to consider. On the other hand, a man is expected to support his wife and his parents financially after marriage and so a steady, stable source of income is looked for in men by parents of a daughter.

But here comes the main part —

After all those questions about his work, my parents asked him, “Do you like our daughter?”

He grinned a little, looked up and said,

“We have been chatting online for some while now. I want to marry her. I have made up my mind. I am sure.”

I was surprised. It was that confidence and surety in his eyes. For him, there was no going back. All my confusions regarding saying yes before meeting, went away in an instance. He said those words in front of his own and my parents. He did not have a second thought about this decision, even though he had not met me. This was a huge deal for me. It meant to me more than he intended. I did not feel the need to meet him anymore before officiating. Now, I wanted to meet him just to jump and hug him and say, “I Love You”.

It wasn’t only me. Even my mother felt that he was the right one after he openly confessed his thoughts. She told me after the call, “He really wants you, I am happy for you both.”

After that call, our parents stopped looking for other proposals and accepted our relationship. In October, his parents could finally visit us. They met me, talked to me in person and 28th October is when they announced our marriage to others. It was the happiest day for both of us.

…

Last year in September, we both loved each other and we both wanted to get married to each other. But the difference between us was —

I may not have ticked all the boxes in his list but it didn’t matter to him. He had started to love me unconditionally. He didn’t care how I would be in person as much as he cared about wanting to spend the life with me. He was confident. He trusted me and his feelings and believed in us.

On the other hand, he ticked all the boxes in my list and yet it wasn’t enough for me. My pursuit to be ‘sure’ and my fear of ‘making a wrong decision’ overshadowed my feelings, my love for him. I was not wrong. His love was stronger and it lifted up my spirits just when I needed it to.

Love is anything but conventional. You are the author of your own story and don’t let any kind of absurdity get in the way of your love and union.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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