I had a rough night recently. I wanted to stay home. My girlfriends wouldn’t stop pinging me. They wanted to get me out. They thought it would make me feel better.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea,” I say to my friend.
“C’mon,” she says. “You need to get out. Come be with us.”
“I don’t want to get emotional,” I say.
“It’ll be fine,” she says.
But it’s not.
It’s stimulus and response. I see them and my eyes well. They shove a glass a wine in front of me. They stare at me with deeply empathetic puppy dog eyes.
The kind that say your friends will actually cry with you.
The tears start to creep out.
They’re dignified.
I’m not sobbing.
It’s still not my best look. But somehow being at my worst…works for me. What’s up with that? I just want to be alone with my friends. But men keep finding their way over.
In greater volume than when I’m at my best.
One guy lingers.
He won’t leave me alone. He keeps asking me out. I keep telling him no. He keeps getting closer. I keep moving back. I finally tell him he’s too young for me, and he moves on.
I’m crying over something I might’ve cried about a few months ago.
Technically, this is ‘Tears 2.0.’
But the same thing happened to me during ‘Tears 1.0.”
A guy wouldn’t leave me alone.
He didn’t leave my side all evening. He was a super nice guy. I just wasn’t interested. It didn’t stop there. Not long after, a handsome, sexy marine asked me out.
We hung out at my apartment for a while.
He asked me if he could take me to dinner.
I foolishly turned that guy down.
He was that kinda sexy. But I did. Because these were only my ‘Tears 1.0.’ I wasn’t ready. Plus, I also thought he was too young for me. Not as young as the ‘Tears 2.0’ guy but still too young.
I don’t get it.
Is it being vulnerable?
Is that why I seem to get more attention on my worst days?
The week my chocolate lab died, I needed to get out of my apartment.
I went to grab a salad at an outside bar. I wanted to be left alone. I had been crying for days. I wasn’t wearing any makeup, my eyes had to be a little swollen, and my hair was up in a ponytail. It wasn’t my best look.
The guy a few stools down wouldn’t stop talking to me.
I finally say, “Dude, you couldn’t possibly find this attractive.”
It was my bid to be left alone.
“I think you look great,” he says.
I just shook my head.
I’d love to know what’s up with all the positive attention on my negative days.
When I’m put together, do I throw off another vibe? Do I come across a little too “I am woman hear me roar”? I think it’s possible. I’m an overly social extrovert.
It isn’t only my sad days that attract the most attention.
It’s the days when I’m out with no makeup on. Or the days I throw a baseball cap on. Or the days I choose not to straighten the curls out of my hair.
I meet some of the best guys on my worst days.
When I absolutely look my worst.
What’s up with that?
I’m talking on the days where I’ve put so little effort into myself, I think twice about going out. And then I say, ‘Screw it’ because I don’t really care.
They’re my ‘screw it’ days.
I definitely throw off a different vibe when I’m like that.
I’m laying low.
I’m not looking to meet anyone.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still social. I can’t hide that on a good day. But I’m not the over-the-top talker that I can be. I may seem slightly more demure, if that’s even possible with my personality.
I talked to my friend about this phenomenon. I was like what’s up with that? What’s with the men the other night? This ‘Tears 2.0’ girl didn’t want to talk to any of them.
“I get it,” she says. “Don’t you remember the night I met the guy I’m dating?”
“Oh my gosh,” I say.
“Yes,” she says. “I met him the night I had been crying.”
“I totally forgot about that,” I say.
It was New Years Eve. A bunch of us girls were out at the restaurant attached to our building. Two of us texted one of our guy friends to meet us.
We introduced him to my friend.
He could tell she was sad.
Over a man of course, what else would it be in our post-divorce dating world?
He felt for her. He didn’t like to see her in pain. He’s a great guy. He’s a deeply empathetic man. It didn’t hurt that she’s beautiful.
A few days later, we’re hanging out.
“Did she ever hear back from that guy?” he asks.
“Nope,” I say.
My friend can’t hide his excitement. He’s such a good person, he attempts to do so. He acknowledges that it’s too bad, and she deserves better. It’s a shame.
And then he seizes the opportunity.
“Do you think it would be okay if I text her?” he asks.
“Sure,” I say.
“Do you think she would care if you gave me her number?” he says.
“Nope,” I say.
And that was that.
They’ve been dating ever since. It’s a great story. I’m not sure how I could have forgotten until she reminded me. Two good people who have found each other after divorce.
I’m still working on that.
Finding my person, that is.
But I do seem to attract men on my worst days.
It’s a phenomenon.
I’m not sure if it’s vulnerability, or if it’s the days where we just don’t give a sh*t. The days where we aren’t looking for a thing in life. The days we don’t care.
We’re just hanging.
We’re just trying to make it through.
I might need to be more alert if there’s ever a ‘Tears 3.0.”
And seize the opportunity.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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