I Caught a Carton of Falling Eggs Without Breaking Them

I’m not quite at the level of Angelina Jolie in the movie The Smiths, catching a wine bottle before it hits the floor. She may not be able to do that in real life, but she IS Angelina Jolie, so maybe she can.

I trained in Aikido for twenty years. Not consecutively, as I stopped when five months pregnant on doctor’s orders, and went back when my son was six. Pesky doctor. Still. Twenty years.

It’s been a few years since I left active training. I went back at age 68 for three months — before I broke both ankles. No, I did not break them while doing break falls. I broke them stepping the wrong way off a step outside a restaurant. Yes, there are wrong ways to step off steps. Who knew?

Obviously, I forgot to roll when falling after breaking the first ankle, and so the other one broke as I hit the ground. So much for years of practicing falling.

Still, since early on, I’ve been able to catch flies in midair — the flies are in midair, not me — and snatch objects as they are falling.

Once, I was talking with another mom at a basketball game, turned sideways toward her and away from the action on the floor. Without pausing in conversation, I slapped the ball away just as it was about to hit me mid-sentence. Which is somewhere between the brain and the mouth.

The other mom was in shock. I had seen the ball in my peripheral vision and thought nothing of slapping it out of the way. Literally, I thought nothing— I didn’t have to think, just act. Story of my life, but that’s another story entirely.

Speaking of peripheral vision, if yours is waning, check it out with your eye doctor. They can refer you to a surgeon for an eye lift. Paid for by Medicare. There have to be SOME perks for growing old(er). Don’t let yourself be hit by errant basketballs.

At a certain age, shortly after mostly healing from two broken ankles, I joked with my eye doctor, asking if she could get me an eye lift. She said, “Sure, cupcake” or something like that, and sent me to a plastic surgeon. The eye lift ensued.

I wish I had noted how well I was catching things as they were falling before the eye lift, but alas, I didn’t. Since then, though, I do notice that my skill at avoiding these type disasters has continued, possibly even improved.

I’ve caught glasses the cat knocks off the table, vegetables rolling out of grocery sacks, cosmetics leaping from the bathroom counter, and my phone and kindle as they’ve slipped out of my hands.

Some things get past me. I drop the phone more times than I catch it. They are slippery devils. Once, when the arthritis in my hands was acting up, I let an entire glass of water slip right through my fingers. It’s an odd feeling to think you’ve grabbed something, only for it to slide away as if it has a life and mind of its own.

Oddly enough, the arthritic hands are a result of twenty years of martial art joint locks. The Shinto gods give and they taketh away. Physical therapy fixed the hands, and I got right back to catching things as they slip slide away.

Still, the egg challenge took me by surprise. Do you know how gentle your grasp has to be to catch falling eggs without breaking any? Pinning the entire carton to the cabinet on its way to the floor? Pretty damned gentle.

Fortunately, Aikido is called the gentle martial art for a reason. We will hold you down gently unless you try to get up. Go ahead. Try. Make my day.

What’s the moral?

Maybe, don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched, but do catch your eggs before they shatter their DNA all over the floor. And do whatever it takes to stay flexible and aware in our old(er) age. You never know when the eggs or the next shoe will drop.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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