I Didn’t Jump Right Into a Relationship After Divorce

I’m sitting with a guy I used to go out with. A few of us are laughing about something I just said.

“There’s a lot going on up there,” he says while laughing, and pointing to my head.

He isn’t wrong.

I’ve written about my dating trepidation after my overly long and abusive divorce. The desire to meet a man continually conflicting with my trust issues, and fear of attaching myself to someone again.

I’ve always said it isn’t because of divorce.

Divorce was the right decision.

My life is calm, peaceful, and happy again. Divorce is simply a formal breakup, and we’ve been breaking up with people since we were 16. My apprehension stems from my inability to free myself from a man.

A few months ago, I was talking to a friend.

We’ve both prided ourselves for our independence. Even more so, for not jumping immediately into a relationship after divorce. We were in no hurry to date.

We knew we needed to heal, and deal with some of our emotional baggage.

We were fine being alone.

Until recently…

We’ve both had a change of heart.

“I hate that I feel like I need a man,” I say. “I’ve never needed a man. I’ve been on my own for years. I wasn’t in a hurry to jump into a relationship.”

“I think you may be looking at this the wrong way,” says my friend “Maybe it’s not that you need a man. Maybe it’s that you’re finally ready to share your life with a man.”

“I think you’re right.”

I don’t know which is better.

The divorced beings who aren’t in a hurry to jump into a relationship, or the others who immediately do. Although not everything is black and white.

Sometimes it isn’t about either.

It’s about timing.

A person simply meets the right soulmate at the right time.

I’m not saying that my opinion is correct because it’s simply that…my opinion. But I’ve always wondered about jumping right into a relationship after a divorce.

Why?

Is it because this is the right one for you?

Or…

Is it because you’re in such a hurry that you’re willing to compromise?

But maybe that’s too judgy.

Maybe I’ve been looking at it the wrong way.

Someone recently told me that in construction there’s a triangle: Quality, Cost, and Schedule. You cannot have a perfect all three. If you want better quality, it either costs more or takes longer.

Which one are you willing to sacrifice?

My ex-husband told me he was dating because he was lonely. He wanted companionship. Personally, I felt lonely being married. I think that’s another reason I didn’t feel alone after divorce.

He’s already gotten remarried.

I’ve spoken to many women who miss the security of being married. I’ve spoken to men who miss the sex and companionship. There are different drivers for all of us.

There are different corners of the triangle.

I’m trying to determine what those are for me.

I know I want someone who makes me feel safe. It’s not something I needed before. But after years of the chaos, abuse, and unpredictability my ex-husband inflicted, I do need it now.

It’s one corner of my triangle.

A lot of people will scoff at my second corner.

They will say it’s unrealistic. They will say it’s the thing that youth is made of. I reject that. I want to meet someone who makes me nervous. The way only a flutter can.

My second corner is butterflies.

I don’t know what my third corner is.

That’s going to take reflection.

I do know one thing.

I can no longer judge the others not like me. The ones who jump immediately into a relationship after a divorce. Because we are all searching for something different.

Even if I do believe it’s advisable to get counseling, and heal after a divorce to make the healthiest choice the second time around. And not repeat some of our past relationship mistakes.

I do believe that.

But I also now know…

We aren’t all looking for the same three corners of the relationship triangle.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.