The other day, as a shampoo commercial started playing on TV, and a woman with striking looks and amazing, thick, long hair appeared on our screen, my mother exclaimed:
“God, her hair is amazing! It’s so unfair — I wish I had that kind of hair too. They take a woman’s beauty to a whole other level!”
Every time she sees a woman with beautiful, thick, long hair she makes a similar remark. It’s an insecurity of hers. Ever since she was a little girl, every time her hair grew past her shoulders, it started falling and thinning, so she’s “forced” to have short hair. Genetics are to blame.
I couldn’t help but answer the following: “Yes, her hair looks great, but that doesn’t mean that short hair doesn’t look great on a woman as well.”
Her answer was the same she always gives me when I disagree with her on this topic: Long hair makes a woman prettier, sexier, and more feminine.
(And obviously, that’s what men prefer.)
Well, I don’t care about what men prefer and I don’t care about long hair either. What really saddens me is knowing that her insecurity stems from these ridiculous beauty standards that society throws at us.
It’s sad to see how much these standards can affect a woman’s self-esteem, especially when it’s something as trivial as hair length and thickness. I mean, come on, hair is ephemeral, subject to the whims of genetics, hormones, and aging.
It seems that somewhere along the way, we forgot — or simply chose to close our eyes to — the fact that beauty standards are socially constructed harmful ideals that put immense pressure on every woman (and man) to conform to a certain definition of “beautiful” and have caused damage to thousands of them, regardless of age, race, or class.
As a society, we’re obsessed with fitting the modern definition of “beautiful”. And if we stopped we would realize how stupid that is, because the idea of beauty is always shifting.
Beauty standards for women have changed countless times over the years, and they’ll keep changing, depending on the country you live in, the fashion trends of the era, or the historical context influencing ideals.
For example, today, we believe that a woman is hot if she has:
- Full lips
- High cheekbones
- Big boobs
- Long hair
- Suntanned skin
- A slim figure
However, Victorians, who thought tiny rosebud lips were one of a woman’s best features would dislike the full, sensuous, Angelina Jolie-like lips we admire today. Or, in the Renaissance era, a woman with a slim figure and suntanned skin wouldn’t get much of a second glance in comparison with one with a full, curvy figure, with pale skin.
I guess what I’m really trying to say is that if you struggle with your current self-image and strive to make your face and body conform to the current trends and beauty standards, something to keep in mind is how these standards vary between different eras, times, and from place to place.
Well, and of course, from taste to taste.
Irish novelist Margaret Wolfe Hungerford was the first person to use the phrase “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” in her book “Molly Bawn”, reflecting a universal, and especially comforting truth: the perception of beauty is subjective.
Everyone has a different beauty ideal in their mind and what one person finds beautiful, another may not. That’s a huge reason I’ve never particularly let society’s current beauty standards get in my head.
I’ve had some people tell me that I’m extremely beautiful and others things like “You’re not my type, or “I’m not drawn to you”. I never took the latter personally. It’s totally normal to receive mixed feedback about your appearance. It doesn’t reflect on your worth or desirability as a person — it’s just a matter of individual preferences and chemistry.
And I think that’s a good thing.
While it’s certainly nice to be appreciated for your appearance, what really matters is the essence of who you are.
No matter how pretty you are, and no matter how many changes you’ll make to your hair, face, and body in your attempt to conform to modern beauty standards, self-confidence is the most attractive quality you can ever have.
Sounds cliché? I know it does, but it’s the truth. There’s nothing sexier than a person who’s comfortable in their own skin. When you don’t feel comfortable with the way you look, it shows, and, sadly, it pushes people away.
Let’s imagine you’re in a room full of people and you spot a small group at a corner, with two women standing close.
The one looks like a Victoria’s Secret model, but at first glance, you can see she is nervous and self-conscious. She keeps checking her nails, fixing her hair, and looking around her to see if people are looking at her.
Next to her, stands your typical girl next door. She’s nothing extraordinary, beauty-wise. But her energy is magnetizing. She’s all smiles. The way she talks and holds herself screams confidence.
Take a moment to think. Which one of them would you likely approach?
I think I can guess your answer.
Energy matters. Character matters. Personality matters.
The length of your hair, the size of your lips, the thickness of your eyebrows, or the length of your eyelashes don’t matter nearly as much — at least for the right people.
Please, let’s stop obsessing over superficial standards.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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