I’ve always had difficulty saying whether I’m ‘happy’ or not. I’m not sure I know what happiness feels like – but if it means having a big grin on my face, it’s not a sensation I’m particularly keen to have. Experience tells me that before long it’ll fade away and be replaced by sadness that the ‘smiley’ feeling didn’t last long, and a sense of emptiness when it’s gone. And if happiness means “I got what I wanted” I think it would probably turn pretty soon into feeling frustrated that I can’t have more of it!
I prefer being in a state of curiosity; interested in whatever is happening, and open to what comes next – and not labelling it either “good “or “bad”. I’ve dipped my toe in Buddhist philosophy over the years, and one core message I got is that if I move beyond being ‘attached’ to things turning out a particular way, and focus on accepting life as it is, I can appreciate what actually happens rather than being upset when things go ‘wrong’. When I let go of hopes or expectations, I can lose my fear that things won’t turn out as I’d hoped, and feelings of disappointment when they don’t!
I’ve discovered that when I’m open to accepting whatever happens, and committed to finding it nourishing in some way, I really have nothing to worry about. It’s how I respond to what life brings me, more than any plans I make, that determines the kind of experiences I’ll have; so that, with practice, I can decide for myself what ‘happiness’ means and how to find it.
In Wales where I live, rain makes a regular appearance. We like to say that there’s no such thing as bad weather, only inadequate clothing. (in France apparently the equivalent saying is that “only idiots get wet”). In a similar way, when my appreciation of being alive is unconditional, I can enjoy the ever-changing parade of experiences I’m having, instead of finding something (like the rain), to blame for feeling down.
Asked about her state of mind when she was playing in the American Open tennis final that she went on to win, teenaged tennis star Emma Raducanu replied that she took it one point at a time, with no thoughts other than to play her best and enjoy it, and no anxieties about whether she would win or not. That’s the way I’d like to live; and although I may not always have a big smile on my face, it’s the closest I can imagine to being happy.
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