'I Don’t Want to Be Creepy'

In my work as a men’s dating coach, nearly all of my clients have expressed a fear of being perceived as “creepy.”

Most of the men I work with fear that their natural sexual desires will make women feel uncomfortable.

We’ve all heard horror stories of women being sexually harassed, stalked, and creeped out. We stigmatize the men who perpetrate these heinous acts. And — whether it’s through selfless empathy, selfish fear, or a combination of both — we never want to become one of those men.

After all, we love women. We want women to love us back. We want women to feel safe, to be happy, and to be cared for.

But we also want to bang their brains out as they helplessly moan incomprehensible songs of pleasure. We want to make them cum so hard that they forget their own names as their eyes roll back in unbridled ecstasy. We want to bask in the connection that only the heights of uninhibited shared lust can achieve.

We want to feel welcomed into their arms as well as in between their legs. Is that so wrong?

Well, it’s about context.

It’s wrong and creepy to desire someone who isn’t of age. It’s wrong and creepy to sexually pressure a subordinate at work. It’s wrong and creepy to make advances on someone who already rejected you.

That much should be obvious.

But it’s not wrong and creepy to feel your natural sexual desire, and to express it in a healthy and consensual way that isn’t overbearing. There is nothing fundamentally creepy about your yang being sexually attracted to another’s yin.

After all, that person’s yin is fundamentally sexually attracted to your yang. There’s a seed of inherent mutual desire there. It’s just that a lot of extraneous forces tend to twist our sexual expressions into various ugly, unnatural forms. If we bring our expressions back to basics, there’s nothing wrong there, especially if we’re coming from an understanding of how social forces affect the feminine experience.

Compared to men, women are living in a constant state of fear, especially when it comes to sexual experiences. They grow up feeling unsafe and needing to consider their own safety in practically every situation.

It is difficult for someone to feel sexually aroused in a moment when survival itself is a higher priority, or when protecting your sense of agency is a higher priority. Overall, women will find it difficult to feel turned on if they are not comfortable and relaxed. There are biological reasons for this as well, but the state of society further compounds this effect…Therefore, it is important to be considerate of a woman’s feelings if you want any chance for her to feel like she wants to have sex with you. You need to make her feel safe and comfortable. You need to be mindful of her boundaries and lead her in a direction that allows her to let her hair down. You need to establish yourself as someone she can trust with her body by being a dignified and emotionally dependable man who is actually worthy of that trust. Only then can you begin to seduce her fully.

— Excerpt from Never Lonely: The Uncensored Guide on How to Attract and Be Loved by Women

One of my clients told me something pretty sad today.

He said that he feels like his sexual desire is inherently creepy.

He thinks that there is always a fundamental creepiness about him wanting to have sex with women.

For most of his life, he let this belief paralyze him. He didn’t approach women. He didn’t flirt with them. He didn’t express any of his desire. He just bottled it up all inside.

He never wanted to take the risk of being perceived as a creep. He never wanted to admit to women that he felt sexual attraction.

When a man feels this way, there is a risk of him falling down the rabbit hole of red-pilled or black-pilled misogyny and misery.

In order to return to a more natural state of love for women, he needs to take a risk that challenges his views.

“Risk creepy”

I know that there is always the possibility of being perceived as creepy, or that I might make a woman uncomfortable if I lack awareness of her sense of danger and safety in some capacity.

I know that I risk being perceived as creepy every time I approach a woman.

However, more experience helps me calibrate and gain greater awareness of how to make women feel safer and more comfortable.

I needed to risk being creepy in order to become better at not being creepy. I also needed to practice active listening skills in order to learn what I needed to learn from women themselves. Those two habitual practices were indispensable in my development as a seducer.

“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” — Joseph Campbell

Some men adopt a pessimistic or defeatist attitude about it all. Rather than risk being perceived as creepy in any capacity, they choose to not interact with women at all. It’s a fear of potential consequences upon themselves.

Some men choose not to engage in any potential situation that could possibly make women uncomfortable out of a hyper sense of empathy, but those are rarer than the former case. Men generally need the experience of interacting with women before developing greater empathy for them; the same general rule applies regarding any demographic developing greater empathy for any other demographic.

Either case is a losing strategy. A winning path to love will require some growing pains along the way. If you have the genuine intention of trying to make women feel safe and comfortable, risk creepy (and it should go without saying that, if you don’t give a flying f**k about what women feel, just stay home).

You will get rejected. You will be perceived as creepy. You will make women uncomfortable. But it won’t be the end of the world. Especially because, after all is said and done, you will be embraced. You will be perceived as desirable. You will make women happy.

Action must be paired with understanding in order for growth to take place, but let’s take a step back and seek some self-awareness for a minute.

Where does this fear of being called “creepy” come from?

In all of the modern English language, there is one word that men ubiquitously fear more than almost any other word. We fear being labeled as “creepy” by women. The threat of being called this word paralyzes countless men into perpetual inaction and self-imposed virginity. There are several reasons why this word is so scary, but it boils down to the demonization and sexual invalidation that comes with the label. He becomes, in both the eyes of women and the eyes of society, the exact opposite of a sexually desirable man. And if he is not a sexually desirable man, he is less of a man. And if he is less of a man, he will see himself as worthless.

A man feels that being called a creep even once can destroy his reputation. Other women in his social circles might come to think of him as a creep via secondhand accounts, leading him to become completely sexually ostracized from the warm hug of feminine affection. Thinking that he could become isolated from women within his own social circles will lead him to fear that society as a whole could view him this way, regardless of how irrational that fear may be. And it is no exaggeration to say that some men would rather die than become functionally castrated in this way.

I know that any woman reading the above paragraphs may be bewildered by the comparatively tame social consequences a supposed “creepy” man can go through. She would think that it’s really no big deal compared to the fear women have of being sexually assaulted or even murdered by men. And she would be right. After all, it is true that women are far more likely to be sexually assaulted and murdered by men than the other way around, with a 2021 survey study concluding that ninety-seven percent of women have at least one experience related to sexual assault. That is absolutely unjust, and society needs to change in order for women to live their lives safely and freely. And it is also true that we men can at least somewhat have our fears of being called “creepy” alleviated by realizing the sobering depth and scope of the very rational fears that women have.

However, the struggles of one group does not have to completely invalidate the struggles of another group, regardless of how much more marginalized either group may be. The feelings and fears of these men are real, and the realization of struggles shouldered by other groups can only go so far in assuaging the feelings and fears of your own. Yes, learning about the severity of women’s struggles made me feel like I could have been making mountains out of molehills when it came to my fear of being called creepy. But, at the end of the day, I still fear being called creepy. I believe these feelings are still valid at a base level.

In modern Western society, there is arguably no word that can be as negatively impactful to women as a woman calling a man creepy.

— Excerpt from Never Lonely: The Uncensored Guide on How to Attract and Be Loved by Women

Whether or not we are seen as creepy by women has a strong impact on our self-esteem. We need to be liberated from this causal link. The healthiest way for us men to develop proper self-esteem is to let go of this fear.

Letting go of that fear starts with being sure that our intention incorporates both empathy and our natural desires, and realizing that the two do not inherently conflict.

In other words, we need to understand that our desire for women to feel safe does not fundamentally conflict with our desire for sex. We need to understand that we can communicate with women in a way that embraces both aims with zero cognitive dissonance.

It’s not about your looks.

I can’t tell you how many times women have told me that they felt creeped out by a guy doing something, but felt perfectly fine when I did that exact same thing.

Was it because I was more physically attractive than those “creepy” men? No. Oftentimes, those men were more conventionally attractive than me.

Sometimes, those women initially thought that those “creepy” men were totally their type physically, and directly told me that I wasn’t their type. But they still ended up in bed with me, and still felt creeped out by those other men’s actions.

It’s not about looks. Never Lonely discusses 7 reasons why a woman might think of a man as creepy, but let’s talk about the biggest reason of all:

If it’s not about looks, what is it about? Again, it’s about context. Specifically, it’s the context you create.

If a stranger suddenly puts his arm around a woman’s waist before ever saying a word, that’s a sudden violation of an unspoken boundary. This blatant disregard for the unspoken boundary is what’s creepy.

If, however, you introduce yourself to a woman, shake hands, make small talk with a bit of flirting, maintain eye contact, receive reciprocal flirting, receive reciprocal eye contact, touch her arm to emphasize a point during the conversation, receive some reciprocal touch, gradually escalate your flirting to demonstrate more blatant interest, receive reciprocal interest either verbally or non-verbally, take her hand to guide her somewhere else in the venue, and then put your arm around her waist, it’s not creepy.

Shifting or transitioning a social context to a seductive one is not about your looks. It’s about a learned skill of gradual escalation and being able to gracefully take “No” for an answer at any point (she can feel whether or not you can). It’s about understanding that women’s sexuality isn’t the same as the male sexuality of being able to get horny and have sex immediately.

Having that skill and understanding is really all it takes to make sure your sexual desire isn’t inherently creepy.

And, the more you practice pressure-free escalation, and the better your understanding of women, the less creepy you will be.

No matter what you look like.

Zero cognitive dissonance.

When you realize through experience that your sexual expression doesn’t inherently conflict with women’s safety and comfort like this, you give yourself a chance to escape the fear, to escape the link between potentially being perceived as creepy and your self-esteem.

It lets you proceed with seduction as nature intended without any cognitive dissonance.

Forget “creep shaming” or whatever other angry manosphere rhetoric.

The blame should not fall on women for discriminating against supposedly “creepy” men. Women are right to be wary of men who seek to violate their boundaries.

If you’re going to blame anyone about our struggles with the whole “creep” label, blame how society was structured in a way that made women objectively less safe in the first place.

And then rise above the bitterness and anger by adapting to women’s needs in the context of these sh*tty societal circumstances.

Make better contexts for them.

In your own little world made for just you and her.