I Get Too Obsessed Too Quickly When I Like Someone…

We’ve all been there. You see someone new, and suddenly he’s all that you can think about. His texts illuminate your phone, and your heart pumps. You go over every conversation in your head, dissecting every word, and dreaming about a future you in your head before you even have a second date. And then the worry sets in.

What if they don’t have the same feelings? What if they just stop texting? What if they don’t like you as much as you like them? Next thing you know, you’re spinning out of control, fixating, and endangering the one thing you want more than anything else: a happy, healthy relationship.

If this rings a bell, don’t worry, you’re not the only one. Obsession during early dating is a real thing, but it doesn’t have to rule your love life. The silver lining? Learning why this occurs and how to overcome it can make all the difference. Let’s explore the five essential lessons that can set you free from the obsession trap and create stronger, more stable relationships.

Identify the Feeling: It’s Not Love — It’s Anxiety

When you meet someone you like and suddenly feel consumed by thoughts of them, it’s easy to mistake that intensity for love or a sign that they’re “the one.” But here’s the truth: what you’re feeling isn’t love — it’s anxiety.

That knot in your stomach when they don’t text back? The fear that your happiness depends on their approval? That’s not a sign of how important they are; it’s a sign of how much anxiety you’re carrying.

This anxiety often has little to do with the person you’re dating and everything to do with patterns that existed long before they came into your life.

Ask yourself: Is this the first time I’ve felt this way, or does this anxiety appear every time I like someone? If it’s the latter, the problem isn’t the person — it’s the anxious attachment style you’ve developed over time. The recognition of this is the first step towards breaking the cycle.

The Anxiety That Lies in Wait

Here’s the cold hard truth: if you don’t get to the root of your anxiety, it will go with you wherever you go. It doesn’t matter if you break up with this person and get with someone else. The anxiety will just be dormant, waiting for the next time to come back.

Consider this: when you are single, the worry is “I’ll never find anyone.” When you do meet someone, it’s “They don’t like me as much as I like them.” If the relationship continues, the worry changes to “What if they leave me?” or “What if they find someone else?” And even if you’re safe in the relationship, the worry may change to “What if something happens to them?”

The object of your anxiety shifts, but the anxiety itself does not. This can be frustrating at first, but it’s also liberating. Once you recognize that the anxiety is the issue — not the individual — you can begin to separate from the magnitude of your emotions and see things more clearly.

The Unmet Need Behind Our Anxiety

Underneath the preoccupation and tension is a thwarted need. This may be a need for safety, order, approval, or affection. There’s no harm in these needs — we all have them. The issue lies when we imprint them onto somebody we have no idea yet, hoping that he or she would be the one to meet what we need to give to ourselves.

For instance, you could think, “If this person responds to a text from me, I’ll feel secure.” Or, “If they say they like me, I’ll feel worthy.” But this is where things get sticky: nobody else can fulfill these needs on your behalf. By burdening someone else with that task, we invite disappointment — and we risk driving away secure, healthy partners who pick up on the pressure.

Worse, this dynamic can draw toxic individuals who live in control. They’ll tell you everything right to make you feel secure, but their intentions are anything but pure. By understanding that your obsession is a call for help — a desire for safety or approval — you can begin to work through it internally instead of looking outside for answers.

Create a Safe Home Within Yourself

The solution to overcoming the obsession with dating lies in learning how to develop a sense of security and safety inside of yourself. Rather than trying to find that other person who can make you feel complete, you must construct that on your own.

Picture you at a party where you don’t know anyone. You’re awkward, anxious, and hoping someone will come up and make you feel like you belong. That’s what it’s like when we seek outside validation in dating. Here’s the catch: you don’t need someone else to make you feel safe. You can make yourself feel that way

Begin by recognizing your anxiety and its underlying need. Next, rather than looking for reassurance from the individual with whom you are dating, offer it to yourself. Recall that you’ve made it through adversity in the past and come out alive. You don’t need this individual to feel whole — you already are.

Reach Out To Your Inner Child

The anxious, obsessive part of you is like a frightened child in need of comfort. I don’t want you to turn over the controls to that child. You need to become a kind, firm adult.

Recognize the anxiety and fear but do not allow it to dominate you. Tell yourself, “I understand why you’re feeling that way. You’ve been hurt in the past, and you’re seeking safety. But we’re going to be all right, even if this individual doesn’t respond with a text.”

At the same time, be tough on yourself. Don’t allow yourself to get carried away with fantasies about a future with a person you do not know yet. Channel your energy into activities that make you happy — spend time with friends, pursue your hobby, or take care of yourself.

Breaking the Cycle

Obsession early on in dating does not have to destroy your love life. By recognizing the anxiety, recognizing the unmet need behind it, an learning to build a safe home within yourself, you can end the cycle and establish healthier, more secure relationships.

It’s alright to be attracted to a person and crave more with them. But once the feelings begin to feel intense or disproportionate, step back. Remember that the anxiety is the constant — not them.

Above all, show yourself the love and reassurance you’re hoping to get from others. The next time you catch yourself moving too fast, stop. Breathe. And remember: you are enough, with or without them.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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