I just realized it. I am the problem, it’s me.
I have been online a bit more the past few days. Hasn’t everyone?
First, I came across this article on Medium by Simon Fokt, PhD that says,
Dear progressive, liberal, woke, feminist Perfection Enforcers,
You have handed Trump this election. You are personally responsible for his victory. You have personally brought about misery upon yourself and all the people you claim to care about…The men you screamed at at every opportunity:
YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE ONE OF US!
Well, I think they heard you. They agreed. They’re not one of you.
Strange… I don’t think of myself as a perfection enforcer but I read the work and the comments attached anyway.
Then, I passed by a photo of a blonde woman on Facebook that caught my eye.
The caption said something like, “she’s an 8, but has had sex with 72 men would you still take her?”
Men were flooding the post with their feedback. Some calling her trash, a slut, a whore — the usual. Some saying they’d agree to be “73 but with numbers like that she’s just for fun.” Some saying she was hot enough to overlook it. A brave few saying they didn’t care about her history. Hotness can be redemptive.
Of course some women were chiming in with pesky facts like “you guys know that this is a random woman’s photo someone re-labeled for click bait? This is cruel, she is a real person.”
Other women pointing out that it was pretty sad to watch men comment on the photo of a woman that would never talk to them in a 100 years and make up a fake game to reject her through. They were un-deterred. They kept at it. Several of them with photos of their families in their profile. Top quality men.
But here is the comment that caught my attention. It said something to the effect of…
“A woman like this probably gets 1,000 men asking her out a year. So if she’s been single for a few years and only has sex with two of them a month that means she’s actually not a slut at all. You can’t fault her with unlimited choice.”
I could spend the article discussing the misogyny in this entire exchange but first, the people that need to hear that Ted talk don’t listen to me. They just read the title and jump down to the comments. Second, it’s so obviously corrupt and gross that I feel I can leave it there for you to marvel at.
But, that number 1,000 got my attention.
Because if I put up an online dating profile and buy the paid version I can see that I have over 1,000 likes in an extremely short span of time. Also the words having “unlimited choice.” I have been accused of not recognizing that before. When my view would be heavily the opposite.
The last time I used the dating app OK Cupid I had over 1,028 likes in three weeks. Bumble past 900. Unfortunately, 99% of the men that like my profile I would never message.
I am the woman the men online accuse of passing them by.
I was married for almost two decades, so remember this is just as an older adult. My estimation of the times I put up a dating profile over the years would be that, very conservatively, I have passed on 10,000 men that wanted to talk to me. Men who liked my profile first.
Instead of defending myself, I want to invite you to take a look into my sorting. These are the real reasons why over 10,000 men went unmatched, even though they lived in my general area and were in my specified age range.
- There is almost nothing on their profile. It’s basically empty except a few photos, usually over half with sunglasses. Maybe one line saying they like golf. It’s incredibly difficult to start a conversation in online dating without a few topics to bring up. Some men just put an emoji in every required profile spot. Like a donkey emoji. I am being serious.
- They look scary in their photos. They aren’t smiling. They have dark circles under their eyes. The photos are frowny car and dark bedroom selfies. The photos make you feel sorry for them when you look at them. They don’t feel safe or kind. The places they take their selfies are sketchy and weird. The soul is seen in your eyes.
- The profile details sexual encounters they are looking for. Kinks they want to try as their main dating aim. Again, maybe what some women are looking for and kudos for being honest but it’s not my style. I assume men that do this pretty much gave up on relationships and just use dating apps for exploring fantasies.
- The photos show dirty lifestyles. Bathroom selfies with toothpaste splattered across the mirror and a toilet in the back ground. Stained shirts. Clothes on the floor. Sofas with stains all over the arms. Dirty cars. Uncombed hair. Crumbs on the tables. Sweat stained shirts. I just don’t live like that. I guess it’s fair warning but also, gross.
- Their ex is in the photos. Usually partially cropped out. Some men have told me they do this because they want women to see their exes are high value. I’m telling the truth. These are the same men that brag using personal details about their exes on dates. Or “accidentally” share sex stories about their ex after talking about her as “we” for most of the night. Not for me. The psychology behind these moves is daunting to think about. I’d go with dirty car guy over guy with ex-wife’s face scratched out any day!
- In the photos they are trying to be weirdly sexy. Laying down with a “come get me” pose like a teen girl who needs her cell phone taken away. They have no shirt on. Maybe a beach photo is ok, but honestly it’s just not my thing. These honestly always make me laugh a little bit too. Grown man in his 40’s, making a kissing face in a photo from his bed… too much Internet for today Todd.
- They are outside of my health range. I am fit-ish. Some men think I am too heavy for them. I don’t care. People get to have body preferences. I want to date men in my general weight / health range. Health largely determines lifestyle compatibility.
- Men looking for “short term connections and friends”. I always skip that. I skip anything that sounds like, “right now I am looking for fun that might change in the future.” I support people looking for a fling but that’s not really ever who I have been. I get very attached. I am very monogamous. My correct matches desire that exchange. These “short term” guys often have a lot of online porn and Insta model stuff going on that is out of my lane too. I just can’t deal with all that & all the exes turned besties.
- Men who are shorter than me. So shorter than 5′ 9 (I am measuring tape 5′ 9, not man height 5′ 9). I actually think men being exactly the same height as me is great! This one factor though takes out a lot of men. This is an area I could flex on surely. So, I assume if you want to aggressively comment that tall women could get over it, you would be correct.
Do you feel surprised?
Were you imagining the list was a mile long? It’s not.
I have rarely dated men that I think people consider “hot”. I don’t care. At all.
I have dated men that make more and less money than me.
I have dated men that were not college educated, even though I am. I do not care.
The deeper things that really define what works for me can’t be found in a stack of pictures and a bio anyway. You can’t tell from a job title how someone orients to their work. You can’t see passion in a hobby list. I want great conversation and easy scheduling of time, but you don’t know if that exists until you date.
I need a core values match and chemistry that builds instead of bursts. There are so many things that you’ll never see on a profile.
Still 10,000 men (conservative estimate) can’t put up a profile that makes it to a chat with me.
So who is the problem here?
Is it me?
Are my “expectations” keeping all the men in American single? Am I a perfectionist? Am I the reason they all feel so alienated and angry? Did women like me push men into becoming incels through our merciless rejection? Is my desire for a vacuumed car and regular haircuts too high?
I don’t know.
The only thing I can think to say is that I don’t think men in past generations struggled with basic grooming. I don’t think they felt burdened by capturing a decent photo of themselves. My working class grandpa could have checked my list with his eyes closed.
So are expectations actually changing?
Or are the options declining?
…
You can find links to my courses and my somatic coaching work at www.christinalanecoaching.com
More of my dating articles are in this list.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Yuri Efremov on Unsplash
