I couldn’t grasp the reality of breaking someone’s heart, even when I knew it needed to be done. I knew what it felt like to be discarded by someone who claimed they loved me. You just don’t believe them anymore.
I was the villain now. Maybe I was turning into who hurt me.
With so many thoughts speeding through my mind, the words slipped out:
“I don’t think I want to work it out anymore.”
Did that really come out of my mouth? Yes, it did and I wished it didn’t. The unforgettable look on his face. He looked away and sat in silence. The tension was skyrocketing between us but I didn’t expect anything less.
The weather was colder than my heart. Now all we needed was the rain for tears. My unhealed trauma made it difficult for me to cry in serious moments, so I continued to sit with a blank face. I should’ve been crying.
When I first met him, he was sweet, energetic, enthusiastic, spontaneous, and more. Why didn’t I want that? He was a good guy but I was used to the bad guy or the rough neck that was aggressive. He was different. The feelings were mutual between us or so I thought.
Even The Nicest Guys Have Flaws
Our past dating experiences didn’t mesh well either. My longest relationship was more than two years. He had yet to even experience a real relationship. I wasn’t in the mood to be his first. I suppose I wasn’t willing to be the teacher this time.
Tell him how to treat a woman. What you shouldn’t do. What you should do. What to say and when to say it. What not to say. The type of tone you should have when speaking to me, since I am sensitive.
Or was it just me? Maybe, I wasn’t the one after all that was ready to be with him. He went from being a joy to being depressed because I couldn’t be with him. I felt for him.
He almost persuaded me to make us work but I had to put my foot down. I imagined that if we continued down this road, the severity of his heartbreak would be unforgivable. He was on eggshells with me and didn’t even know it. I thought I was saving him.
He had unconditional love for me and I felt the same. We let time pass by before we had another real conversation. We kept in contact, even if it was just small talk. We checked in on each other, which he deeply appreciated it. I wasn’t treating him like past men because I wanted to be different than them. He still considered me family and reminded me often that we would always remain close.
That encounter changed the course of my life. I no longer wanted to be responsible for someone’s cold heart. It’s easier to walk away than to deal with what’s in front of you. When you leave people in the dark, you will be reminded of it everyday. Whether it be in memory or through certain communication, you will feel them from afar.
Two years went by and we are still very good friends. I could’ve left him to suffer but I didn’t. We learned more about each other within these two years than ever before. When we look at the bigger picture, we left the relationship and gained a friendship. An honest friendship that is worth more than what the relationship valued.
This Was No Walk In The Park
He pushed me away certain days but I didn’t give up. I understood what was happening. I knew the bond we created couldn’t be found anywhere else. This is where I learned, just because you love someone doesn’t mean you belong together. You may be better off apart.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Ryan Jacobson on Unsplash