The arguments became so routine that I began to treat them as insignificant. She was devoted to me. She was not going to break up with me. I didn’t abuse that loyalty, but I took it for granted. Then I grew frustrated with it. I was forming the strong impression that, once again, I was not compatible with a woman I loved. I was now baiting her into breaking up with me. She wouldn’t do it, and I was avoiding the responsibility of breaking up with her myself. One might be tempted to call this cowardice, but the main reason I didn’t break up with her was a gut intuition that I would be making a big mistake, maybe the biggest of my life. Breaking up with her would have required a reason, like admitting that I was not the right man for her because I could not give her the love she needed.
The problem was, deep down where it counts, I wanted to be able to give her that love.
I loved her.
I just didn’t know how to act on it.
It would take time for me to learn. In the meantime I continued to contribute to the deterioration of our relationship. I retreated further into myself, and when we argued, I would cut short the arguments peremptorily, not wanting to deal with drama that got in the way of time for me to write, read, and think. I chalked up arguments to petty squabbles or misunderstandings. It was getting to the point where I resorted to lazy misogynistic epithets like women are crazy to explain away the reasons for her disaffection.
My attitude was: just another shitty day in the life of a relationship.
So on the day after our most recent argument, I went about my business in my office, while she continued with her ongoing attempt to implement a minimalist interior design in our home (decluttering, organizing, etc.). The challenges in our relationships had gotten to a point where we were just moving on with our day, as if arguments were par for the course. She would harbor resentment and I would brush it aside. That’s not to say I suffered no bitter aftertaste. In fact, I endured a nagging uneasy feeling in my gut that tugged at me like a conscience, but I felt powerless about what to do, and I feared it was wearing thin on the durability of her devotion. As I had done throughout my life when faced with the adversity of relationships going sour, I retreated to my solitary obsessions.
Sometime after noon, I came out of my office and walked into our bedroom to check up on her. One of the things which had kept us together so far is we always found a way to talk through our arguments. I was growing weary because of how lengthy our talks could get at times, but somehow we always came to an understanding. So I walked in reluctantly, gearing up for another long ‘talk.’ She was relaxed but pensive. I knew she was brooding about the argument the night before, but it was almost as if she was resigned, or saddened, by the growing realization that she did not want to fight anymore to convince me to love her.
◊♦◊
As I walked into the room, I came upon a shadow box with pictures of her and her ex. Intrigued, I began to browse through them. She told me her ex had put it together for her as a gift. One of the few times she was ‘touched’ in that relationship, she said.
I took a closer look at the pictures. It was the first time I got an extended look at what her ex looked like. I’m not the jealous type. I have no problem discussing previous relationships. In fact, one point of contention with Kara is she shies away from discussions of past relationships and certainly has no interest in hearing about mine. She categorically buries the past. I was surprised that these pictures of her and her ex found their way into the open for my viewing. But I guess that’s what happens when cleaning.
It was not yet hopeless between me and Kara, but I was certainly doing my part to wreck the relationship.
|
At any rate, the actual sight of her ex provoked an unexpected feeling of discomfort. Not quite jealousy, but something close. The pictures were spread across diverse experiences. One was a Halloween night in which they were dressed in their costumes. Another was him in his marine uniform when he was younger (they had dated once in their early twenties; then again in their early thirties), and she was by his side with her beaming smile. There was a picture of them shooting pool in which he seemed morose, and she told me he was going through a period of depression. The pictures were a history, the evidence of a relationship that had come and gone. They had been together for several years in total. That’s a lot of experiences to share. A lot of time spent together. The photos of them smiling, dressed up, shooting pool, posing in uniform, and several of a family trip started to have a really sad quality about them.
They were of a time that had come and gone. But they showed that she had once loved someone else, and that he had loved her.
I knew the story of their demise as she related it to me. They had been together twice. The second time around, they ended up getting engaged, but the engagement literally stopped there. No wedding planning ensued. After a short time, she stopped wearing the ring. She was turning into a caregiver. In short, he was an alcoholic prone to depression. She also did not trust him, catching him in many ‘white lies’ that gradually eroded her trust. She cared about him, but ceased to love him. This was her side of the story, of course, but she is an objective and logical thinker about things. She is pensive and cerebral, and is probably more insightful about her own relationships than I am about mine. At any rate, this is not the place to venture into a discussion of her past relationship with her ex. The point is it did not work out. I was happy that it did not, because it paved the way for her to love me.
Now it occurred to me that I was following his path. It was not yet hopeless between me and Kara, but I was certainly doing my part to wreck the relationship. Fortunately, I had not yet arrived at the point where she didn’t want to sleep in the same bed anymore (a point she reached with her ex). Somehow she had not given up on me. She still believed in me. Her faith brought ferocity to her arguments. She wanted me to love her the way she loved me. I do, I would say. But she wanted me to show it.
I think Kara is beautiful. She is smart, insightful, irreverent, cynical, introverted, responsible, caring, and scarred by many unfortunate experiences. She is many things I love. Her ex had had the opportunity to love those same qualities and spend his life with her, but he messed up. He lost his chance.
Was I about to lose mine?
The photos of Kara with her ex got me to contemplating a life without her. Our relationship had had many wonderful moments too. Maybe we don’t have a lot of the same music tastes, and maybe she gets a little jealous, but no woman I have ever dated has ever been as much of a bookworm as I am; no woman has enjoyed watching clips of George Carlin with me as much as she has; no woman could make me appreciate Amy Schumer like she has; no woman could laugh as hard as she did when I told her how my father insulted someone by saying he was 96 percent water and 4 percent chicken shit; no woman has been so easy to talk to; no woman has so convincingly turned my vices into virtues; in short, I have never had as much fun and camaraderie with a woman. I have never felt as close to a woman, in personality and sentiment and lifestyle and values, as I do to her.
The thought made me incredibly sad and inspired a sudden appreciation of what I had found in my relationship with her. She was a true companion.
|
She had also collected an oeuvre of photos of the two of us together to record our lives together thus far. Hundreds of photos. In Paris in front of the Eiffel Tower. In front of the Globe Theatre in London. In Trafalgar Square in London, where we listened to a street musician sing the song Hey Ho by Lumineers: ‘You belong to me, I belong to you…’ In Italy in the restaurant where Niccolo Machiavelli used to get his dinner. Or on a walk in a local park with our dog on a warm Indian summer day in the middle of winter.
I began to envisage a point in the future when someone else would be looking at these photos and seeing the evidence of another one of her ex’s. The thought made me incredibly sad and inspired a sudden appreciation of what I had found in my relationship with her. She was a true companion. A soul mate of the first order. Someone with whom I had shared many trials of faith in the durability of our relationship, but who had persevered, continuing to believe in me and our relationship.
I did not want to mess that up.
◊♦◊
We ended up reconciling that afternoon. Once again. The ‘talk’ covered much of the same ground as before. But internally, I was entering the preliminary stages of an awakening I was not yet aware of. There were still obstacles to overcome, differences of opinion to be resolved on what constitutes intimacy, how to show my love, and how to achieve balance in the relationship. In short, more coming to terms.
Our arguments did not cease, but in the ensuing months they became much less frequent. Having contemplated the possibility of a relationship without her, I had shuddered at the thought. It awakened me to the realization that after many years accustomed to the comforts of solitude, I had found myself growing accustomed to the comforts of a relationship, one that, after looking at pictures of her and her ex and shuddering at the thought of not being with her, I had to acknowledge was working out quite well for me. I simply had not yet consciously embraced it, and I was still learning how to accept it, even how to enjoy it.
Relationships are hard. But so is the loneliness of being single over an extended period of time. Solitude can be invigorating, but too much of it can become debilitating. Nevertheless, over a long period of time you start to rely on it. You learn how to be solitary rather than how to be a partner, and maybe at some point you cross an imperceptible threshold and you become incapable of being a partner, even when the partner who is right for you comes along. By the time she comes along, it is too late. You have not the perception to see the opportunity, seize it, and secure it. You only know how to be suspicious of it, and ultimately, to do away with it. Looking at pictures of Kara and her ex, thinking about all the things I loved about her, and then contemplating a life without her, where I only existed in pictures to be reviewed by a future significant other, I was struck with the fear that maybe I had crossed that threshold. I needed to fix this. I needed to figure out how to show her I loved her.
I was intent on doing so, and I have been working on it ever since. I discovered that the fear of losing her was a powerful motive to show why I didn’t want to lose her. One never knows how or when this kind of epiphany will arise, but in my case, it took an inadvertent discovery of photos with her ex to bring me face to face with the fear of losing her, and ignite a period of serious reflection on how to avoid it.
There are still bumps in the road. Now, months later, we still have our differences at times, and probably always will. But we are in better shape than we’ve ever been. There are hardly any more arguments. She no longer suffers the constant dread that she is fighting for something no longer worth fighting for. I hug her and kiss her much more frequently. I am ‘present’ when I spend time with her. She feels the energy of my interest in her more poignantly than ever. She actually believes I enjoy her company, which I do. And as a result, she does not resent the time I spend by myself.
These days, we spend much less time arguing and much more time discussing our future, like the possibility of starting a family.
Who knows, maybe we’ll even get married!
Thank you for the kind words, missb2189 🙂
I don’t know who you are in person, but I’ve never been more shaken to read that there exists someone just like me! Your poignant description of yourself, from childhood to adulthood, shocked me – because at one level, I could almost feel like you’re describing me – the only differences between us being i’m female, my parents built a happy family life for my brother and I, i’ve never lived alone other than being away at uni for nearly a decade and I haven’t enjoyed the single life in terms of drinking out with friends – so in effect… Read more »
Insightful!
Thanks Uru.
Thank you, your writing could really help me to figure out who actually I am.
Yogi, thanks for your comment. I’m very touched that I could be so helpful.
Beautifully written. Thank you
Thank you Kent. And thanks for reading.
There are a few bright spots in the everyday drudgery- your article is one of them. I am in a long distance relationship and have faced similar scars as you while growing up and I am aware that I would rather slip into solitude than make things work even though I would be in love. This article is so much me, at my very real self. I love it. Thank you so much.
pg,
Thank you for your comment. I am happy you could relate to my experiences.
Can’t thank you enough for sharing this space with everyone. Well written and it made me think about my relationship with the guy I’m with. I can relate as our issue is the same: my need for some quiet head space and some soul time v his needs and trying to find that balance as a couple. It challenging but awareness changes many things and hopefully it’s not too late. I’m going to print this and read it with him in the hope that we’ll understand each other better. All the best with your beautiful girl.
Nadia,
Thank you for sharing. I hope the article could be of some help in your relationship. All the best to you as well.
It is an excellent read. Congratulations for realizing on time how to rescue your relationship. I wish I had read this three years ago. Unlike you I didn’t realize how fortunate I was and my constant “not being present” attitude lead her to use it as an excuse to cheat over and over again. Now she is so in love with her new partner. It is too late to fix what was our relationship Or get her back, but at this point I don’t want her back. I will remember your article and keep it in mind on my next… Read more »
Alberto,
Thank you for reading and commenting. I am sorry to hear about your past experience, but thank you for sharing and I hope the best for you in the future.
Jonathan
Thanks for this piece…
In my situation the roles are gender-reversed. My wake up call came recently and we still do fight because I have not changed enough. I’m changing and hoping that it is not too late
Aditi,
I hope it is not to late as well. Thank you for sharing.
Jonathan
Wow… I’ve ready so many pieces on GMP and this was the best! Fantastic writing! Broke my heart though…. Related way too deeply. Please marry this absolute keeper of a woman. Best to you both. Cheers!
Wendy,
Thank you so much! And yes, I think she is an ‘absolute keeper of a woman’ 🙂
This struck me too hard. I am also like you man, but I am too afraid to even try to seek someone because of work responsibilities, money issues etc.
I hope I don’t end up alone and consoling myself that it’s for my own good
Aditya Nath Jha,
Thanks for writing. I can only say I never thought it would happen to me. I wish you the best in finding your own kind of balance. But it seems it is always a struggle to find it.
Writing just to say that I read this four times because every line resonated with me. I have been Kara, and I did finally resign out of frustration. Discovering this article really validated all of the struggle I put myself through, and it nearly brought me to tears. Thank you for sharing.
JB,
Thanks for sharing. I’m not sure I want to be glad that you were brought to tears remembering your own struggles, but I am humbled and grateful you found the article could validate your struggle. Thank you for reading.
Marry her. I was like you, and now I’m married to my Kara.
Well written! Felt like I was the one sharing the story.
Nexis,
Thanks for the encouragement!
Incredibly thoughtfully and truthfully written, and I appreciated how you wrote it.
I can truly relate to how seclusion can be both a self-sustaining and detrimental process. And I feel it probably might occur to people whose imaginary occurings in the mind are perhaps more enriching than the activities of daily life. Nevertheless I admire your courage in writing all your feelings down. Men always have an issue with being present, and actually that’s what most of the women want from men.
Jamie,
Thanks for the comment. I am comforted by your thought that “Men always have an issue with being present, and actually that’s what most of the women want from men.” Means I’m not alone 🙂
Jonathan You write well. It could not be done better. But the feeling I had when I had read it all is this, NO you do not love her. Is it love this feeling that emerges when you understand that an other man also wanted her and loved her? All the time she showed her honest feelings and told you how you hurt her by your egoistic behavior you had no deep empathy for her . It was important enough. I do not see real love from you . Not at all. You needed to see those photos to understand… Read more »
typo
.No deep empathy for her …it was not important enough .
Her feelings and her need was not important to you.
This has little to do with being an introvert person or extrovert .
I understand that I invalidate your feelings here but I think you like to get respons on your article .
Kim,
Thanks for your comment. I think I can understand your reaction. What I can say is I think I’ve learned that love is not a static thing, but dynamic growth and maturation process. As I said, after a long time alone, you learn to be suspicious of it rather than to see it, seize it, and secure it. That, I admit, was a flaw of mine.
I seldom read anything that’s too long or maybe I’m just lazy sometimes. In the first few paragraphs, I knew and felt exactly the same way as you did. I appreciate every thought spelled out and can super relate to it. All the best!
Josephine,
Thanks for reading it. I am touched that you could relate.
Thank you for writing down your intimate story for a wider audience. It helps a lot in the sense that one can have a specific understanding of what goes within introverts; both their strengths and limitations. I appreciate how you remain true to your needs while simultaneously going the extra mile to make your relationship with your partner work. Have a good day and looking forward to reading your novels and poems.
Ahj,
Thank you very much for your kind words, and really appreciate your eagerness to read other work by me.
Wow, definitely a great read. I was a “Kara” to someone last year. Unlike you, however; he did not see the self-sabotage until it was too late. You can tell you are a man in your thirties. It is rare, dare I say, unheard of for a twenty-something guy to be so self aware.
I love how you describe her. It shows true, real admiration and not just obsession 🙂
Thanks so much for your comment Katie! I like the distinction between ‘true, real admiration’ and ‘obsession’. Very apt!
Jonathan
Thank you for sharing this important story. There are pieces in here that almost anyone can relate to, but introverts will be especially touched. Those struggling to love an introvert or complicated person (not that they are mutually exclusive) should especially take note. I was someone’s muse once and I miss him madly every moment of every day. These connections cannot be replicated. In your case, I am glad you were able to succinctly recognize the promptings of your heart; as it is that which is noblest in men indeed. Unfortunately, as an introvert such as yourself can attest, people… Read more »
Jennifer,
Thank you for your feedback. I am very touched that you thing “there are pieces in here that almost anyone can relate to.” That is a high compliment indeed.
Jonathan
Mr. Church, you can’t blame yourself for being an introvert who strives for self-sufficiency since you saw what happened with your parents’ marriage.
Thanks for the encouragement G.
Jonathan
It was a pretty great piece to read. I agree with Anthony that it’s a ‘love letter that’s about as real as it gets.” I also loved how you described flattering and unflattering qualities that you loved about her.
Thanks Erin! I really appreciate the feedback.
Anthony,
Thanks so much for sharing your reaction. I am very touched. Yes, she is indeed cynical at times, and I like it 🙂
And yes, Kara has read it. In fact, I read it aloud to her before submitting and, as usual, she gave me helpful edits and tips. She is indeed, as you say, my muse.
Thank you again,
Jonathan
Edits and tips!!?? Oh my god, she’s a keeper. You are a very lucky man indeed! 🙂
This is an amazing piece. Thank you for sharing it Jonathan! I assume Kara has read it right? I’d love to know what her reaction was, because this is a love letter that’s about as real as it gets. Amongst all the other things she is to you, it might be fair for you to consider calling her your muse. I say this because the parts of this where you describe her, and your relationship with her are the most eloquence, evocative parts. Aside: I loved, laughed, and almost cried at how you were so straightforward in including “cynical” in… Read more »