A peek inside a past relationship can be a wake up call.
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One night a few months ago, my girlfriend Kara and I had yet another argument. I can’t remember just how bad it was, but it was bad enough. The specific hows and whys of what caused it escape me as I write this. But the details don’t matter. The salient issue was her complaint that she did not feel loved. It was a persistent theme in our arguments, and it boiled down to me spending too much time in my office, where I liked to shut myself in for hours to read and write, and when I came out I was often so absorbed in my thoughts it was like I wore a sign that said ‘do not disturb.’ Add a proclivity for solipsism that takes root after many years acclimated to the comforts of solitude and I did not have in my possession any recipes for how to go about maintaining balance in a relationship.
I have long struggled to cultivate intimacy in relationships. I am a classic introvert, someone who demands a lot of time alone in order to feel content and at peace with life. But many introverts manage to not alienate important people in their lives. I seem to have done nothing but. I have loved other women before Kara, and all of them broke up with me because, after only months of being together (more than a year in only one case), I succeeded in making them feel distant from me. By the time I met my Kara, I had lived most of my life alone and arrived at the conclusion that my preferred lifestyle of unbridled independence was incompatible with the partnership required of a relationship.
The lesson I derived from their experience was that, in life, I should never get bogged down in relationships with the wrong people.
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This did not always make me happy. Yet it did inspire a kind of perverse pride in assuming the mantle of a loner at odds with the world, as if I was a lone soldier courageous enough to walk to the beat of my own drum, the world be damned. When occasionally I found a companion willing to listen to my beat, this pride inevitably instigated a strange propensity for alienating my audience, like a comedian or showman who cannot resist an urge to insult his audience. The women in my relationships wanted to be closer to me, but I kept them at a distance, seeing them only as part of the world around me, i.e. a threat, and not allowing them entry into the interior realm of introspection in which I wrote the music of my soul. Part of it, however, was the demands of introversion—I needed time to myself. That’s who I was. I like to brood. I like silence. I like solitude. Many women could not deal with that, and their feeling of alienation from me was as much a function of their incompatibility with me as it was my pride in stubbornly adhering to a life of self-centered egotism.
Kara is unlike any of the women in my previous relationships. She is a quirky introvert. She enjoys solitude. She has the soul of a loner and often shuns society after only a few hours of social stimulation. If anyone should ‘get’ me, it is she. And yet, I was succeeding even in alienating her. She respected my need for time alone. She admired my embrace of the introspective life. She appreciated the pensive, irreverent, prickly qualities that make me the person I am.
But she wanted to be a part of my life. She wanted to be a priority on the same order as my writing and reading. She wanted a seat by my side in the interior realm of retreat and withdrawal in which I had indulged the rewards of a solitary life. Yet I was resistant to making her a priority on the same order of activities which had sustained me through all my years of loneliness.
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My inclination toward insular self-sufficiency set in at a young age. I grew up believing my parents hated each other. Maybe they loved each other once, but I only knew the chronic friction and combustibility that characterized their marriage. I was fifteen when they finally separated. I was happy they did. They could start anew and build a new life for themselves. It’s about time, I thought to myself, and I didn’t think much more about it. I was too busy with my own adolescent cares and concerns. I was also too young to understand the repercussions of my indifference. I was happy to see my parents find independence from the source of their unhappiness—i.e. each other. The lesson I derived from their experience was that, in life, I should never get bogged down in relationships with the wrong people. In time, however, my takeaway was: don’t get bogged down in relationships with anyone.
I found myself out of tune with the equilibrium that introversion demands. I started to resist what I perceived to be her intrusions on my independence.
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As the years went by, it was a lesson I applied to all my relationships whenever they started to go awry. I consoled myself, not always so convincingly, that I was best off alone. During high school, I lived with my father and embraced a life of structured routine. I loved it. School and track practice. Nothing else. No parties, no dances, no proms. With the exception of a brief relationship in which similar intimacy issues arose, I shunned a social life. I eschewed anything that threatened to get in the way of what I was trying to achieve. In college, I was the same. I spent many hours in the library and went to track practice every day. Not much dating, no drinking, no partying. I learned to be happy by myself.
When I moved to New York City after college, I tried to come out of my shell. There was a network of graduates from my university in the city, and with no exams to study for at night and the Big Apple to explore, I ventured out into the city with various friends from school, though primarily with my best friend from college. Then my best friend moved out to Los Angeles after parting ways with his firm. Having lost a friend and roommate, and getting more distracted by a busy workload, I began to feel alone and out of place in a city that swallows people up with its savvy cosmopolitanism. So I reverted to what I knew: I embraced the intellectual and emotional habits of rigid self-reliance. But I was still in my early twenties, young enough to not be inflexibly set in my ways. And I longed for love. I did not know much about love, but I was at least willing take risks to find it. Eventually I found my way into relationships, and when I did I discovered I was too inexperienced to know what to do. I was arrogant, immature, and stiff. All obvious turnoffs for any woman who might consider a date with me. I grew frustrated with women. I blamed my failures on things like not having a lot of money or having an underwhelming personality, and took a curious consolation in concluding that I simply was not cut out for relationships in the big city (or at all).
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Several years later, I met Kara. I had been living in Washington, D.C. for five years. It was two years after my ex-fiancé had broken off our engagement (the only relationship of mine that lasted more than a year; she was an extreme extrovert for whom my introversion eventually proved intolerable for her). I was going out every weekend with a crew of friends who enjoyed the nightlife, and who taught me to enjoy it. I nursed a secret pessimism that I was never going to find love, and felt a vibrant freedom in embracing the single life that goes along with the nightlife (spending the whole day on weekends to ‘recover’ from socialization—after all, I was still an introvert). In my mid-thirties, I outwardly thrived on the blithe confidence that comes with maturity, even if I worried that there was something essential missing from a lifetime of nightlife and bachelorhood.
Then one day, I met Kara in boxing class. We got to talking, and one day during class I ‘arranged’ for us to do some light sparring. I inadvertently jabbed her in the eye, after which she joked that I half-blinded her. The next week, we paired up again. She kneed me in the groin. The rest was history, as they say.
The challenges in our relationships had gotten to a point where we were just moving on with our day, as if arguments were par for the course.
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Within weeks, we went on a trip to Paris and London. Soon after, we moved in together. We got along. We laughed together. Read the same books together. Realized we had the same values. Had similar struggles growing up in unstable families. Our sexual chemistry was second to none. And on and on.
The compatibility we shared was unique, invigorating, and real.
But as relationships go, we eventually ran into difficulties. After the initial rush of excitement over meeting someone new, grateful and happy in the first months of our relationship to have found someone to love, the oxytocin drained from my system. I found myself out of tune with the equilibrium that introversion demands. I started to resist what I perceived to be her intrusions on my independence. I sought time alone. I wanted less time with her and more time with my books. I wanted to retreat into my shell.
I struggled to make her feel loved and cherished. She wanted to feel secure in our love, but she was beginning to fear that my retreat into solitude would spell the beginning of the end of our relationship.
Hence we argued. Anything I said or did to make her feel marginalized sparked resentment. And resentment sparked fights.
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Next: The arguments became so routine that I began to treat them as insignificant.
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Thank you for the kind words, missb2189 🙂
I don’t know who you are in person, but I’ve never been more shaken to read that there exists someone just like me! Your poignant description of yourself, from childhood to adulthood, shocked me – because at one level, I could almost feel like you’re describing me – the only differences between us being i’m female, my parents built a happy family life for my brother and I, i’ve never lived alone other than being away at uni for nearly a decade and I haven’t enjoyed the single life in terms of drinking out with friends – so in effect… Read more »
Insightful!
Thanks Uru.
Thank you, your writing could really help me to figure out who actually I am.
Yogi, thanks for your comment. I’m very touched that I could be so helpful.
Beautifully written. Thank you
Thank you Kent. And thanks for reading.
There are a few bright spots in the everyday drudgery- your article is one of them. I am in a long distance relationship and have faced similar scars as you while growing up and I am aware that I would rather slip into solitude than make things work even though I would be in love. This article is so much me, at my very real self. I love it. Thank you so much.
pg,
Thank you for your comment. I am happy you could relate to my experiences.
Can’t thank you enough for sharing this space with everyone. Well written and it made me think about my relationship with the guy I’m with. I can relate as our issue is the same: my need for some quiet head space and some soul time v his needs and trying to find that balance as a couple. It challenging but awareness changes many things and hopefully it’s not too late. I’m going to print this and read it with him in the hope that we’ll understand each other better. All the best with your beautiful girl.
Nadia,
Thank you for sharing. I hope the article could be of some help in your relationship. All the best to you as well.
It is an excellent read. Congratulations for realizing on time how to rescue your relationship. I wish I had read this three years ago. Unlike you I didn’t realize how fortunate I was and my constant “not being present” attitude lead her to use it as an excuse to cheat over and over again. Now she is so in love with her new partner. It is too late to fix what was our relationship Or get her back, but at this point I don’t want her back. I will remember your article and keep it in mind on my next… Read more »
Alberto,
Thank you for reading and commenting. I am sorry to hear about your past experience, but thank you for sharing and I hope the best for you in the future.
Jonathan
Thanks for this piece…
In my situation the roles are gender-reversed. My wake up call came recently and we still do fight because I have not changed enough. I’m changing and hoping that it is not too late
Aditi,
I hope it is not to late as well. Thank you for sharing.
Jonathan
Wow… I’ve ready so many pieces on GMP and this was the best! Fantastic writing! Broke my heart though…. Related way too deeply. Please marry this absolute keeper of a woman. Best to you both. Cheers!
Wendy,
Thank you so much! And yes, I think she is an ‘absolute keeper of a woman’ 🙂
This struck me too hard. I am also like you man, but I am too afraid to even try to seek someone because of work responsibilities, money issues etc.
I hope I don’t end up alone and consoling myself that it’s for my own good
Aditya Nath Jha,
Thanks for writing. I can only say I never thought it would happen to me. I wish you the best in finding your own kind of balance. But it seems it is always a struggle to find it.
Writing just to say that I read this four times because every line resonated with me. I have been Kara, and I did finally resign out of frustration. Discovering this article really validated all of the struggle I put myself through, and it nearly brought me to tears. Thank you for sharing.
JB,
Thanks for sharing. I’m not sure I want to be glad that you were brought to tears remembering your own struggles, but I am humbled and grateful you found the article could validate your struggle. Thank you for reading.
Marry her. I was like you, and now I’m married to my Kara.
Well written! Felt like I was the one sharing the story.
Nexis,
Thanks for the encouragement!
Incredibly thoughtfully and truthfully written, and I appreciated how you wrote it.
I can truly relate to how seclusion can be both a self-sustaining and detrimental process. And I feel it probably might occur to people whose imaginary occurings in the mind are perhaps more enriching than the activities of daily life. Nevertheless I admire your courage in writing all your feelings down. Men always have an issue with being present, and actually that’s what most of the women want from men.
Jamie,
Thanks for the comment. I am comforted by your thought that “Men always have an issue with being present, and actually that’s what most of the women want from men.” Means I’m not alone 🙂
Jonathan You write well. It could not be done better. But the feeling I had when I had read it all is this, NO you do not love her. Is it love this feeling that emerges when you understand that an other man also wanted her and loved her? All the time she showed her honest feelings and told you how you hurt her by your egoistic behavior you had no deep empathy for her . It was important enough. I do not see real love from you . Not at all. You needed to see those photos to understand… Read more »
typo
.No deep empathy for her …it was not important enough .
Her feelings and her need was not important to you.
This has little to do with being an introvert person or extrovert .
I understand that I invalidate your feelings here but I think you like to get respons on your article .
Kim,
Thanks for your comment. I think I can understand your reaction. What I can say is I think I’ve learned that love is not a static thing, but dynamic growth and maturation process. As I said, after a long time alone, you learn to be suspicious of it rather than to see it, seize it, and secure it. That, I admit, was a flaw of mine.
I seldom read anything that’s too long or maybe I’m just lazy sometimes. In the first few paragraphs, I knew and felt exactly the same way as you did. I appreciate every thought spelled out and can super relate to it. All the best!
Josephine,
Thanks for reading it. I am touched that you could relate.
Thank you for writing down your intimate story for a wider audience. It helps a lot in the sense that one can have a specific understanding of what goes within introverts; both their strengths and limitations. I appreciate how you remain true to your needs while simultaneously going the extra mile to make your relationship with your partner work. Have a good day and looking forward to reading your novels and poems.
Ahj,
Thank you very much for your kind words, and really appreciate your eagerness to read other work by me.
Wow, definitely a great read. I was a “Kara” to someone last year. Unlike you, however; he did not see the self-sabotage until it was too late. You can tell you are a man in your thirties. It is rare, dare I say, unheard of for a twenty-something guy to be so self aware.
I love how you describe her. It shows true, real admiration and not just obsession 🙂
Thanks so much for your comment Katie! I like the distinction between ‘true, real admiration’ and ‘obsession’. Very apt!
Jonathan
Thank you for sharing this important story. There are pieces in here that almost anyone can relate to, but introverts will be especially touched. Those struggling to love an introvert or complicated person (not that they are mutually exclusive) should especially take note. I was someone’s muse once and I miss him madly every moment of every day. These connections cannot be replicated. In your case, I am glad you were able to succinctly recognize the promptings of your heart; as it is that which is noblest in men indeed. Unfortunately, as an introvert such as yourself can attest, people… Read more »
Jennifer,
Thank you for your feedback. I am very touched that you thing “there are pieces in here that almost anyone can relate to.” That is a high compliment indeed.
Jonathan
Mr. Church, you can’t blame yourself for being an introvert who strives for self-sufficiency since you saw what happened with your parents’ marriage.
Thanks for the encouragement G.
Jonathan
It was a pretty great piece to read. I agree with Anthony that it’s a ‘love letter that’s about as real as it gets.” I also loved how you described flattering and unflattering qualities that you loved about her.
Thanks Erin! I really appreciate the feedback.
Anthony,
Thanks so much for sharing your reaction. I am very touched. Yes, she is indeed cynical at times, and I like it 🙂
And yes, Kara has read it. In fact, I read it aloud to her before submitting and, as usual, she gave me helpful edits and tips. She is indeed, as you say, my muse.
Thank you again,
Jonathan
Edits and tips!!?? Oh my god, she’s a keeper. You are a very lucky man indeed! 🙂
This is an amazing piece. Thank you for sharing it Jonathan! I assume Kara has read it right? I’d love to know what her reaction was, because this is a love letter that’s about as real as it gets. Amongst all the other things she is to you, it might be fair for you to consider calling her your muse. I say this because the parts of this where you describe her, and your relationship with her are the most eloquence, evocative parts. Aside: I loved, laughed, and almost cried at how you were so straightforward in including “cynical” in… Read more »