I used to say I gave myself away to a narcissist. At the time, I would say those words were true. It’s how I felt. There was nothing left of me. I was unrecognizable.
I was wrong.
I never gave myself away.
I loaned myself to a narcissist.
The difference may not seem earth shattering but it is.
A turn of phrase, can be a turn of mentality. It can be the distinction between feeling as if something’s permanently lost…or the possibility of recovery.
I am still Colleen.
I’m not, nor was I ever completely lost.
Even though, I felt hopelessly and indescribably gone.
A narcissist will make you feel this way.
My husband’s diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder both validated, and devastated me. In reality, when a psychologist diagnosed him with NPD on the severe end of the spectrum, I was given my life back.
Or should I say…
I was given the opportunity to call in that loan.
As long as I remained with a narcissist, he would continue to put me in debt.
Think of it this way…
It feels as though a narcissist is destroying us. It feels as if they are taking all of us. They deplete us. In reality, a narcissist can feed off of us, only while we remain with them.
The narcissist isn’t looking for a particular lender.
The narcissist is looking for any lender.
The narcissist is looking for one person to absorb. The narcissist is looking for one person who will make their world go round. The narcissist attaches themselves to that one individual.
When we leave the narcissist, they take out another loan.
They find another individual to deplete.
It’s how a narcissist survives.
This will be one of the last things I write about narcissistic personality disorder. There are several reasons for this. At the end of this piece, you will discover the most impactful explanation of why.
Here are the other reasons.
I’ve spent years in the counseling and research of love, relationships, and narcissistic personality disorder. As a journalist, I’ve dedicated myself to elevating awareness to narcissism.
I’ve worked diligently to write accurately about this disturbing disorder.
The disorder itself, is already confusing.
There’s a reason the average counselor can’t necessarily detect narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissism is complex. It takes a psychologist, psychiatrist, or mental health professional that is highly educated in the area of narcissistic personality disorder to properly diagnosis it.
Narcissism is not guesswork.
Narcissistic personality disorder is a diagnosis, it’s not a label.
It doesn’t help that the word ‘narcissist’ has become trendy.
It’s become a label that’s been attached to difficult personalities who aren’t necessarily true narcissists. A few narcissistic characteristics, does not a narcissist make. A selfish, spoiled, or self-absorbed individual isn’t automatically a narcissist.
This heightens the need for accurate information.
Yet not everything that is being written is accurate.
It’s disheartening to me as someone who has devoted years to the counseling, and research of narcissism. And as an individual who left a diagnosed narcissist.
It’s a frustration to me as a journalist.
Journalists are taught we have an obligation to the reader.
Thus, we must ensure we are sharing accurate information.
I’ve tried to do that.
I’ve done this to provide hope to those dealing with a narcissist who haven’t had the benefit of a diagnosis. I’ve tried to shed light for others where I once felt darkness.
A man confused me.
A handsome charmer who could be ruthlessly cold, and cruel. A boy transformed into a beast. A covert narcissist lurking within my college sweetheart who took me by surprise.
A narcissist who chewed me up, and spit me out.
A narcissist who left me with feelings of abuse, trauma, and despair.
This leads to the most impactful reason I will be closing out pieces on narcissistic personality disorder. It should give hope to others like me. The men and women who were ensnared by a narcissist.
I’ve come full circle.
A simple turn of phrase led me to that realization.
The difference may not seem earth shattering but it is.
A turn of phrase, can be a turn of mentality. It can be the distinction between feeling as if something’s permanently lost…or the possibility of recovery.
I didn’t give myself away to a narcissist.
I loaned myself to a narcissist.
I unknowingly bestowed a gift to a narcissist.
A narcissist didn’t destroy me. I wasn’t a victim of a narcissist. I was temporarily victimized by a narcissist. I didn’t lose everything. I certainly didn’t lose myself.
I’m not, nor was I ever completely lost.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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