I Loved an Avoidant for 7 Years — Here are Their 7 Core Fears

(Note: This article is an excerpt from my new book How to Love or Leave Your Avoidant Partner Without Breaking Your Heart).

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Almost everybody knows that avoidants are terrified of intimacy, vulnerability, closeness, and commitment. Heck, avoidants themselves will tell you, probably straight away, that they’re scared of these things.

And even if they don’t, you will start noticing it after a while.

However, in my experience dating an avoidant who is working on herself (and after a lot of research), avoidants have deeper wounds that make them act in the ways they do.

To be more precise, 5 fears make avoidants unable to commit, scared of vulnerability, and terrified of closeness.

Here they are:

Abandonment.
Dependence.
Criticism.
Rejection.
Expectations.

We’ll cover them in detail in this article.

Fear #1: Abandonment.

All insecure attachment styles have a crippling fear of abandonment. In my opinion, it wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that abandonment is the root cause of an insecure attachment style.

Connection is essential for our survival, and it’s also a deep psychological need for the same reason. It’s believed that when infants are not touched and attuned to, they would either die or be impaired even if they are well-fed and warmed [1].

Abandonment is like the kill shot that tells you that not only are you unworthy of connection, but you will also suffer and die because you won’t get it. It’s the jail sentence that tells you you’ll live your whole life in isolation and never meet your need for connection.

A survival plan!

Now, insecure attachment styles are about developing a plan to ensure the person doesn’t experience the bone-chilling pain of being abandoned.

Anxiously attached people do that by clinging onto their partner and seeking validation. Avoidants do that by going on their own, denying their attachment needs, and trying to meet those needs on their own (as we’ll see when we talk about their fear of dependence).

One clings; the other dismisses; both are scared. Secure people pursue or reject people for reasons related to their values and what they want, not their attachment wounds or fears.

Abandonment wounds

Deep down, avoidants are terrified that you’ll leave them, and that’s one of the reasons they leave you first. Their coldness might strike you as a sign they don’t care; in reality, it’s a sign that they do.

Here’s a sad fact about dealing with avoidants, especially if they’re unaware and unwilling to work on themselves. They inflict on you the same pain they’re terrified of and are trying to avoid. The abandonment avoidants make you feel when you’re with them (or when they leave you) is the same pain they’re afraid of and want to avoid.

Now, avoidants don’t necessarily do this because they’re evil. They are not intentional about hurting you the same way they were injured. Their pain blinds them and makes them prioritize self-protection above everything else.

I’m not saying this is healthy or trying to justify their hurtful behavior. We’re trying to understand it to either deal with your avoidant partner or move on without confusion.

The next fear is subtle, and you might not believe that your avoidant partner is scared of this.

Fear #2: Rejection.

Avoidants are terrified of rejection. It somehow overlaps with their fear of abandonment for apparent reasons, but it’s also because of their fragile self-esteem.

When I talk about low self-esteem, I don’t mean it as an insult or belittlement. The inability to securely attach to people will cause many problems, one of which is affecting one’s relationship with themselves.

Insecurely attached people start viewing themselves as flawed and, therefore, unworthy of love, affection, intimate connection, and even safety. Those beliefs are often subconscious; if you ask the person, they might tell you they don’t believe they’re unworthy. However, it shows in their behavior and how they sabotage relationships, especially those with healthy people.

This is what we call unresolved shame, and it’s the root of fragile self-esteem. It’s a poison that makes people feel unworthy and as if something is wrong with them. And guess what touches on this wound and makes them feel their (usually buried deep down) feelings of unresolved shame?

Yup, rejection.

Their fear of rejection is one of the reasons they don’t initiate or take the first step.

They might not call or text you first.
They might not directly ask for what they need and want.
They might be passive about so many things that require confrontation because, in conflict, there’s always the possibility of rejection (especially when they’re convinced they’ll make it worse and say/do the wrong things).

One of the things that also triggers the same shame is . . .

Fear #3: Criticism.

No one likes to be criticized. In fact, according to Gottman (the godfather of relationship research), criticism is one of the things that will destroy any relationship. Nobody responds to “Here’s what’s wrong with you” with “Oh, tell me more!”

When it comes to avoidants, they are extremely sensitive to criticism because they’re terrified of the shame it triggers. As we discussed, once feelings of unresolved shame get triggered, avoidants feel an intense amount of pain. They become motivated to withdraw, act out, or protect themselves.

But why does criticism trigger their feelings of shame? It is the same reason rejection does: hurting their already low self-esteem and implying they’re unworthy of connection. In other words, criticism, to them, means that they did or are doing something wrong that will make them be abandoned or looked down upon.

It’s not just about romantic relationships

Avoidants fear criticism even from friends or strangers, not just in romantic relationships (this is true also when it comes to rejection, by the way). Sometimes, even if it’s not actual criticism, they will perceive it as such because they’re sensitive to it.

Their typical response to (real or imagined) criticism is either shutting down or becoming furiously defensive. Shutting down may mean withdrawing, stonewalling, or even ghosting. Becoming defensive may mean becoming stubbornly fixated on their point of view and refusing to take responsibility for their part in the situation or to see your pain in the first place.

Feeling like a failure is one reason avoidants are terrified of criticism. It makes them feel helpless and as if they don’t know what to do. They feel as if nothing they do or say will ever be enough, which triggers their shame, and the cycle starts all over again.

A theory that explains it all

Some people suggest that avoidants grew up in a household with cold caregivers. Those caregivers didn’t meet their needs and often criticized them for expressing their feelings and making mistakes. So, they grew up to be extra sensitive to criticism.

They learned that they will always be criticized by their attachment figure (their caregivers then and partner now). Therefore, they became sensitive to it and developed strategies (withdrawing or becoming defensive) to protect themselves from the pain it brings (triggering their unresolved shame and making them experience abandonment).

Read the previous sentence again and let it sink.

Now, when one is afraid of something, they will also be scared of and avoid all the things that can lead to it. And one of the things that can lead to criticism (and even rejection, and therefore abandonment) is expectations. So, let’s talk about it.

Fear 4: Expectations.

Avoidants hate expectations. It doesn’t matter whether those expectations are good or bad, declared or covert, big or small. Being expected to be or act in a certain way burdens them. It makes them walk on a tightrope.

If they ever fell off, they would fall into the dark pits of criticism, rejection, and ultimately abandonment. At least, that’s how they view it.

Let’s return to the theory that suggests that the avoidant’s caregivers were cold, unavailable, and critical. There are two explanations.

If I, as a child, expected someone to care for me and they failed to do so, I’d naturally mold and be just like them when I grew up. I’d be convinced that I can’t meet other people’s deepest needs and will eventually disappoint them. This is a fact that I’d likely discover after a few failed relationships.

At that point, I will learn that life doesn’t work like that. People will expect me to meet their needs and be there for them, which is something I believe I cannot do based on my experience. And if I fail to do so, I will be criticized, rejected, and abandoned. So, I will fear expectations because they lead to all this mess in the first place.

The other explanation is that those critical parents were demanding and expected too much of me. And whenever I failed to meet their ridiculously high expectations, they punished me by criticizing, rejecting, and even abandoning me. That will create a terror of expectations because I’ll wait for the other shoe to eventually drop (being criticized, rejected, and abandoned due to my inability to meet those expectations).

By the way, fear of expectations is one of the reasons avoidants hate labels. A label on the relationship sets specific expectations, even if they were never said out loud (and even when they’re reasonable). It’s also one of the reasons avoidants love to keep things spontaneous. For example, they don’t like to agree to meet you at a certain time and prefer to “leave things open.”

Now, let’s cover the last fear.

Fear #5: Dependence.

This fear is a conclusion avoidants eventually reach. They cannot “eliminate” their need for attachment and connection. But at the same time, their own experience tells them they will get hurt trying to meet those needs.

When they depended on their caregivers or previous partners, they were hurt in all the ways we described above. So, to protect themselves, they develop this hyper-independence mentality where they want to depend and rely on no one but themselves.

The idea of depending on someone else to be there for them and to have control over their mood, how they feel, and what they do is equivalent to the idea of letting a stranger into their car and giving them the steering wheel and being at the mercy of whatever plan this total stranger has. It’s terrifying!

Fear of dependence (or losing control) will manifest itself in hurtful ways such as keeping secrets, not opening up emotionally, not relying on their partner in any way, refusing to ask for help, demanding space, contacting their exes, stopping themselves from falling in love, and on-and-off relationships.

Of course, not all avoidants are the same, and each person will select a set of actions that align with their values.

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