I Married a Punishing Man

I was at a restaurant with someone in their late 20s. We were enjoying lunch when he began to recount an experience with his girlfriend.

I listened intently as he spoke.

“She was annoyed with me because I almost made us late to meet my family,” he said. “When we arrived I tried to reach for her hand but she refused to take mine. I understand she was mad at me but it was a special and difficult day for my family.”

I understood what he was attempting to convey to me.

He was disturbed by her lack of compassion considering the event.

I was alarmed by something else.

I married and divorced a punishing personality. I’m well-versed in individuals who seek to inflict pain. The type of person who is determined to seek retribution for ‘perceived’ wrongs.

A partner who views conflict as a slight.

They will declare war and seek to regain control.

I thought carefully about how to respond to him.

I’m a journalist who has spent more than a decade in the counseling, and research of love and relationships. I’m an expert in my field. I’ve been quoted as a source in numerous national publications.

But I’m selective with the insights I share with the younger generation.

This young woman did demonstrate a lack of compassion. It’s wrong when you emotionally abandon someone on a difficult day. Even if you are annoyed with them.

It’s not the right time to prove a point.

“It was wrong to not recognize the difficulty of that day for you,” I said. “But there’s something that troubles me more. It’s what led to that lack of compassion. You had already verbally apologized. When you reached for her hand you were attempting to non-verbally mend fences. Her refusal to accept your hand was a punishing behavior.”

He nodded.

“She wanted to continue to deliver you a message,” I said. “Despite your earlier verbal apologies. And the non-verbal one when you tried to hold her hand.”

It turns out this was a pattern in their relationship.

I wasn’t surprised.

I knew there were probably other punishing behaviors.

The retaliatory practices of typically (yet not always) overtly, or passive-aggressively controlling individuals. They either overtly deliver punishment, or covertly manipulate to inflict it.

It’s damaging.

It’s a form of emotional abuse.

This type of individual doesn’t view conflict and conflict resolution maturely. They harbor resentment, feel wronged, and are intent on imparting that message.

My college boyfriend didn’t exhibit this behavior.

Once I married him it raged.

If there was discord I would pay a price.

He wouldn’t speak to me for weeks at a time. He would refuse to pick me up from surgery. He would ruin my birthday. He would buy me nothing for Christmas.

He would withhold money.

He would mock me to impart his ‘correct’ view and my ‘incorrect’ view. He’d walk out of the room while I was trying to resolve something with him. You name it, he did it.

It was emotional abandonment inflicted in various ways.

Divorce magnified his behavior.

The punishment, aka, emotionally abusive behavior escalated.

It took on monstrous proportions.

He became more financially abusive. By that time, he had been diagnosed as lacking empathy, and having narcissistic personality disorder on the extreme end of the spectrum.

Narcissism made him an even more distorted extreme.

A punisher who had zero boundaries, and ignored all social norms.

But there are plenty of ordinary people who are punishing personalities.

There are plenty of run-of-the-mill homegrown difficult people. There are plenty of demanding and controlling people. There are plenty of people who are driven to penalize their partners.

An immature, spoiled and/or fragile ego demands retribution.

They are going to get even.

It matters not…that this is with someone they supposedly love.

It’s instinctual for the punishing personality. It’s hard for them to recognize their own discipling behavior, let alone control it. It’s second nature to them.

I married a punishing personality.

It was torturous.

I don’t understand this type of cruel behavior.

I endured it for too long.

I don’t feel the need to hurt someone because they’ve hurt me. I don’t feel the need to retaliate. I don’t feel the need to inflict pain. I don’t think someone should pay a price because I’m in pain, or angry.

I don’t need to control another person.

My marriage became unbearable.

The punisher created an environment of unpredictability.

I didn’t know when I could count on him, or when he would decide he would show me who was boss. Of course, he was a diagnosed narcissist (covert narcissist) but again one does not need to be a narcissist to exhibit punishing behaviors.

He would seek to punish, teach me a lesson, and remind me that he was in control, and that I never would be.

No one should have the power in a relationship but no one should be powerless either. The longer I remained with a punishing partner, the more powerless I felt.

In reality I wasn’t.

I was choosing to tolerate intolerable behavior.

A behavior that made me ‘feel’ powerless.

I didn’t deserve to be punished for a disagreement. I didn’t deserve to be controlled by a man who promised to be my partner.

No one does.

A hand refused in a moment of anger.

Little things may seem small.

But if you peek beneath the surface, they aren’t always as tiny as they appear. Especially, if there’s a pattern. A pattern that dismisses compassion and partnership, and demands control.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.