I Need to Get Over a Man

If you follow my work, you know I delayed dating for years post-divorce. I have no regrets. I’m glad I waited to invite a man into my life. I couldn’t see clearly. The emotional dust was blinding.

When I finally said yes to a guy, it felt right.

The timing felt perfect.

He’s gone now but I’m left with a problem.

When my mind wanders, it finds him.

It’s been several months since he was transferred. I’m happy. My day-to-day isn’t filled with sadness. But it is filled with distraction when the moment allows it. If I’m out walking, idle for a few minutes, or falling asleep…if my mind wanders, it finds him.

I know why.

At least, one of the reasons why.

I lack closure.

In some ways, I robbed myself of it. A girl who is not typically reactionary…reacted. I became overly invested. I became emotional. I didn’t talk to him. I blocked him. And I unblocked him, only to realize he then blocked me.

I need to get over a man.

I need to gain individual closure.

I won’t get it otherwise.

3 Ways I plan on doing it:

1. A letter I will never send

Years ago, my friend lost her mother. One of our friend’s decided how we should approach the situation, and what we should do for her. I was one of the few who had already lost a parent.

“I don’t think we should rush to do that,” I say.

“Why?” they asked.

“Everyone grieves differently,” I say. “We need to follow her lead. If she reaches out and wants to be surrounded by us, then we should surround her. If she retreats and wants to be alone, then we should allow her space, and quietly drop off things to comfort her.”

I got too attached to a man.

I feel his absence.

Grief can accompany the end of any relationship.

We mourn the loss of those who have invaded our hearts. Every single one of us lets go in our own way. We grieve differently. Breakups temporarily break us. Some in massive proportions like a divorce.

And others, in small trickles.

A little wound that haunts us until we gain closure.

I won’t get to see, talk to, or text my guy again. I wish I grieved differently. I wish I was the kind of person who didn’t need to communicate my pain. I wish I could ignore it and silence it. I wish I could move on that way.

I can’t.

I’m going to write a letter I will never send.

I’m going to say goodbye to a man. I’m going to say everything I need to say. But that he will never hear. I’m going to say the things I didn’t think to share while we were together, and others things that I learned afterward.

I’m going to let my heart runaway on paper.

I’m going to shed a few tears.

I’m going to say goodbye.

2. I’m going for positive acceptance

I fought the reality of my failing marriage. I rejected the idea of divorce. I refused to accept it. I refer to this as the years, I was fighting God.

I was fighting my path.

I was fighting the universe.

The only thing worse than misery, is fighting it.

It makes you more miserable.

Ultimately, I relented. I accepted my reality. My marriage was over. Divorce was inevitable. I gave up the fight. I walked the path I had avoided for years.

I was in my truth.

I succumbed to acceptance.

Only then, did I begin to recognize the positive. Only then, was I reminded that good can come from bad. Only then, did I regain an inner calm, and an inner peace.

It was over.

And that was okay.

I don’t want things to be over with my guy.

We may have spent a short time together, but it felt much longer. We may have scratched the surface in some ways, but in others dug deeper than expected.

I think that’s where we tripped each other up.

We fooled ourselves.

I have to accept it’s over.

I can’t wait for an unexpected text that will make me laugh. I can’t hope for a phone call that will explain a misunderstanding. I can’t crave that our friendship somehow survives.

I can’t daydream that he’ll show up at my door.

I can’t indulge a fantasy.

I have to look for the good that comes out of the bad.

3. I’m going to be dating

It’s ironic that the girl who rejected dating for years, is obsessed with it. But in a way, I am. I blame the man I was seeing. I forgot what it was like to have a guy in my life.

A good guy.

A guy who made me feel safe.

I didn’t think I would trust any man again.

I didn’t think I would let down my guard. I did. It’s why I got hurt. It was worth it. A few weeks ago, I might not have said that. Tears were still sneaking outside of me. But I don’t regret him.

I jumped on an online dating app.

It’s time.

I’m going to go out on a few dates. Despite, being smart enough to know it’s simply a distraction. I wrote about it in this piece, I’m Dating to Get over a Man — It’s probably not the best idea.

…

I need to get over a man.

I want to get over a man.

It’s a process.

It’s mourning the loss of someone who invaded my heart. It’s exhausting enough emotion to allow my truth. It’s reminding myself I made this choice.

I wanted to date him.

I’m the one who thought a short-term relationship was perfect for a girl who had avoided men. I’m the one who made the rules that I quickly broke. I’m the one who told him not to text me more than twice after he left.

I might have been joking, but it was laced with fear and truth.

And now, with regret.

Because I have a problem.

When my mind wanders, it finds him.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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