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I didn’t expect it but it happened.
Being cheated on is devastating. To have the person you love and trust betray you is one of life’s worst upsets. It’s just a fact that infidelity happens a lot more than we’d like to admit. In fact, according to research 51% of marriages suffer from infidelity.
When I discovered that my girlfriend had been cheating, it tore me apart. Our relationship quickly ended and I lost hope in love. I felt betrayed. I blamed her for the end of a relationship.
It took me months to find my way back, to find healing, and to fully understand what had happened. It wasn’t an easy road, but once I had my major ‘aha’ moment – I found healing and even found myself realizing that it takes two people to cheat.
I know it’s a big bold statement to say, “It takes two people to cheat.” As a former marriage counselor this idea was hard to swallow and more challenging as the victim of an affair.
When I wanted to find my own healing, I realized I had two options; one blame her and stay angry or find healing and a lesson in the experience. I chose the option that would lead to healing.
Soon, I realized – I had pushed her away. A woman that had loved me for five years, she wouldn’t just easily cheat.
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While seeking answers, it occurred to me, maybe in some way I pushed her away from me. Maybe somehow I pushed her into the arms of another man. Not that I was excusing her behavior, but instead, I was considering what I could learn from the affair. Instead of taking the popular road of blame, anger, and resentment, I decided to consider that I too created the affair somehow.
Soon, I realized – I had pushed her away. A woman that had loved me for five years, she wouldn’t just easily cheat. She wouldn’t betray me unless I somehow participated in her pain and loneliness.
Taking responsibility for the situation led me to realize; I had stopped being the man she loved. I stopped going to bed with her and instead stayed up late to watch movies and play video games. I stopped cooking nice meals and instead let things just happen. I didn’t take her out on dates. I wasn’t intimate, despite her pleas for my touch, I pushed her away. Considering these facts made me see how she would be led into the arms of someone else. Seeing how my behavior played a role, I found empathy her for too.
In some odd way, my introspection helped me to stop blaming her. It helped me stop being a victim. It gave light to a complex subject that isn’t just ‘she cheated and she’s evil.’ In my desire to escape my suffering, I wanted to see the situation in a way that could help me stop being angry at her.
During my introspection I discovered that we both cheated. While she was the one that physically stepped out, I did play a role in the situation. Long before the cheating, I had stopped investing in our relationship. In some way we both cheated.
Sure, I wasn’t the one who ran into the arms of someone else. I wasn’t the one who lied or hid facts – but I was lazy in our relationship. I was distant, I wasn’t the man she begged me to be and it hurt my relationship. It gnawed away at the secure love we once had.
Cheating or no cheating – the truth is – we both stopped putting energy into the relationship. Before the cheating we had both stepped out and stopped being committed to making our love magical.
After lots of introspection, I realized, we both cheated. We both stepped out of our commitment and stopped being faithful to love. We lost hope, became lazy, and didn’t do what it takes to make love really thrive.
Since my breakthrough, I’ve become a better partner. I understand that if I want a faithful partner, I have to choose someone I completely trust. In the same vein, if I want commitment – I must be committed and really show up for the relationship.
As one teacher told me once, “Love is a verb.” Since being cheated on I understand that if I want love to work, I have to take daily action to make my relationship secure and loving.
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This post is republished on Medium.
Photo credit: iStock
I know it’s a big bold statement to say, “It takes two people to cheat.” I think the only bold part of that statement is that its not applied equally by most people. Usually when adultery happens sides are taken by people who will look for any angle possible to blame only one side of the relationship and often more along the lines of gender than along the lines of who cheated and who got cheated on. I wonder if a similar post written by a woman has ever been published anywhere. Based on odds I would assume its out… Read more »
And what happens when you do and she still can’t keep it in her underpants? That happened to me and I suffered the typical (still do) “what did you do to her?” Cheating is cheating – we need to hold the cheater to account for their actions, every time. They chose to cheat when they had other options.
The basic problem here is 2 underlying ideas 1) That for one party of a relationship to cheat the other must have triggered it somehow. 2) that we have some variant of free will and agency are are ourselves responsible for our own actions. interestingly is that the ratio of how often cheating is assigned to one or the other is fairly predictably associated with the cheater’s sex. Women tend to be excused by reason 1 vs men who tend to be judged by reason 2…. But why? That relationship bias colors all of human existance and we do know… Read more »
The answer is simple – the dynamic has always been that women are always the victim, the “fairer sex” and incapable of doing harm without good reason (because… motherhood). Chauvinists and feminists alike believe and promote this dynamic.
Its been a year since i was sexually assaulted by someone i know, and my marriage has been difficult since the day after, more so because he doesn’t believe me. The fact that he cheated on me 4 years ago before we got married, i have learned to let go but he hasn’t let go of what happened to me and still blames me for what happened to me. Even though i never asked to be assaulted. i like to think that we are trying but i don’t know if he will ever get over it. There was nothing he… Read more »
You’re right. This led me to consider my relationship with my wife. She’s become lazy in our relationship. We don’t go out for walks anymore because she’d rather sit on the couch surfing tabloid sites. She doesn’t put in any effort towards sex – just lies there like a starfish. Even our kids don’t have much to do with her. She needs to show up for our relationship instead of selfishly isolating herself. Therefore in the future if I decide to cheat she needs to accept her part in pushing me towards the arms of another woman. Thanks Luis.
i forgot to mention that this type of article needs to be posted on sites aimed at women. Next time they blame men for cheating they should take a good hard look at their behaviour that caused their man to cheat and accept their share of responsibility for the failure of the relationship.
Once again here, if she cheats….what did he do to cause it. If He cheats what was wrong in him, that caused him to damage that perfect flower of a woman.
Can we let women own their agency, can they be held to the same exacting standards as we hold men to? We tell men they need to communicate their wants and needs to a partner…. rather than looking elsewhere to meet them….. Doesn’t this apply to women too?
I think you are missing the overall point. It is about getting out of the placing blame mindset and instead learning from what happened and use the learning about what happened to make yourself better for the next relationship. The reason that so many second marriages end in divorce is that people too often blame their ex fro everything and they never learn what they can improve about themselves so that they don’t make the same mistakes in their next relationship. My first wife cheated on me, as well. I was gutted as I never saw it coming after 12… Read more »
Or do second marriages have a higher failure rate, Due to the pool of applicants containing a higher percentage rate of repeat offenders? Let those choose to cheat own their agency
Criticism of the woman actually does happen, and has always happened, when her man cheats. The problem is, that criticism has hinged on something like “she lost her looks” or “she lost her sexiness” or “she started challenging him and he couldn’t handle the loss of his agreeable partner”… things that are all about projecting an image or boosting status. Not true emotional neglect like Luis describes, and says he committed, here. This kind of hard look at oneself is important if you’re starting to slip in the “being a decent, loving human being” department. Not so for the “I’m… Read more »