The comments Lynn Beisner received on her last article not only changed her opinion about men and cuddling, but also changed her life and her marriage.
A couple of weeks agoI wrote an article for Role/Reboot in which I expressed my belief that men do not really like to cuddle called I Refuse to Believe That Men Enjoy Cuddling. Based on what I had absorbed from books, movies and lectures on morality, I believed that men used cuddling to get sex, or perhaps out of obligation or kindness. But it was a chore, not a joy. I explained that this had become a bone of contention in my marriage since my husband, Pete, started expressing how much he needed cuddling. I suspected he was unconsciously transforming what he saw as my need into his need. I admitted that my belief was sexist, and I asked for evidence that would help me dispel that myth.
Immediately I started getting feedback from men who love to cuddle. One man on Twitter, Chris Johnson, gave a response that I found particularly helpful. Rather than give a generic “I like cuddling” he told me specifically what it was about cuddling that made it meaningful for him: “I find the extended contact to be an expression of trust and viscerally comforting.” Pete, who was also reading the responses, was deeply grateful to Chris Johnson for putting into words what Pete had been feeling and trying to express.
As a GMP commenter said, I had “some serious unlearning to do.”
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A week or so later, The Good Men Project republished the article. By then I had accepted that men did, in fact, like to cuddle, and had settled in for a couple of cuddle session with Pete. The longest of those sessions lasted for three minutes before I bolted. That was how I made the unfortunate discovery that I had been projecting: it was not Pete who disliked snuggling, it was me. Once the myth was debunked, I had to face my own distaste for something that my husband treasured. As GMP commenter Blinky 114 said, I had “some serious unlearning to do.”
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I issued an apology on Twitter, and in the comments sections of Role/Reboot and The Good Men Project. I admitted that I was wrong, and that I was going to try to make it up with Pete. I expected that after I had issued an unequivocal admission that I was wrong, everyone would let the subject drop. Fortunately, they did not.
The comments kept pouring in on GMP. Pete and I laid next to each other in bed, reading them and marveling at how honest, diverse and practical many of the responses and suggestions were. For example, one person mentioned how the temperature of the room impacted his willingness to snuggle. We felt stupid that we hadn’t thought of that earlier. Our room is the hottest in the house and I am heat sensitive. So we installed fans and lowered the temperature. After that modification, I was able to remain snuggling for five minutes.
Another comment, this one by AEther, piqued Pete’s interest by mentioning off-handedly the different positions of cuddling. Another GMP commenter, Joe Paul, mentioned that there are “privileged positions” in cuddling. We had only tried one or two style of cuddling, and it suddenly occurred to us that there might be more. So we did a Google image search for cuddling positions.
As we looked at the “positions for cuddling” we noticed that in nearly all of them the woman was curled into the man, and her head was lower than his. She was in the one-down, supplicant position. Pete and I realized that the positions we had always used for cuddling were those that gave him symbolic dominance, and that the power-imbalance made me feel deeply uncomfortable.
Pete also suspected that pain might be a factor in my snuggling phobia. I sustained multiple orthopedic injuries in an accident years ago, and the ongoing discomfort from these injuries means that I can only sleep in one position without incurring pain: on my back with pillows under my knees. Lying on my side is painful, and almost all of the traditional cuddling positions call for the woman to be positioned that way. Pete suggested that I get into my sleep position and that he snuggle into me, with his head nestled high on my shoulder and our faces inches apart.
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As I wrapped my arms around Pete in a position that was both physically and emotionally comfortable for both of us, I swear a choir of angels burst into song. It didn’t just feel good emotionally. It was almost as if my body had finally found home-base, a place where it could finally connect with my heart, my mind and my partner. Pete and I stayed that way for a long while, talking, laughing and just enjoying the proximity of our bodies. At last, we had joined the rank of cuddlers.
Discovering cuddling could not have come at a more providential time. As it happens, Pete and I had just gotten some bad news about my health. In addition to all of the normal worries and stress that accompany a health crisis, we were learning that the recommended treatment, extensive pelvic surgery, would likely create a permanent change to our sexual relationship.
Pete and I have struggled with our sex-life from the beginning of our relationship. It wasn’t just that I wanted sex more often than he did. The problem was that both of us tend to be very cerebral, and we connect on a cerebral level. Like Pete, I tend to think of “my body as nothing more than a brain-transportation device that also allows my brain to interface with other brains.” It has been very hard for us to find a bridge from our intellectual connection to a sexual one. Pete struggled with it more than I did. It just felt like there was something missing, but could not articulate what.
It didn’t help any that my relationship with sex was unconventional and certainly not stereotypically feminine. On one hand, I didn’t find it to be a terribly personal thing. I did not see any significant difference between it and getting a massage. I considered “making love” a rather antiquated and silly euphemism for good old fashioned banging. When people told me that there was a difference between the two, I have to admit, I sort of sneered. I had also discovered that I could reach a place in sex where my brain went quiet, where I felt one with the Universe and with the Divine. It became a door to the sacred for me. These things are not quite as schizophrenic as they might seem. From what little I know of tantric and other sacred sexuality practices, they do not consider it making love.
At some point we figured we just did not have sexual chemistry. Turning off my sexuality for the rest of my life was just not an option, so for a while we tried an open marriage. As it turns out, open marriage didn’t work for us. I have no judgment against people for whom it does work, but it wasn’t for us.
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Pete and I continued to read the comments about cuddling, picking up hints and making adjustments to our developing cuddling routine. Then we read comments like the one from Mr. Nervous Toes who said: “cuddling IS a part of foreplay. Not all cuddling leads to sex, but kissing and cuddling are the bread and butter tools for initiating foreplay.” The GMP editors chose a comment for the day which pointed out the false dichotomy we had embraced, that cuddling and sex were like ammonia and bleach – toxic when mixed. Cuddling could be an end in and of itself or it could be a prelude to sex. We were a bit dumfounded by that idea. Pete had been raised that using cuddling as a bridge to sex was smarmy, and I had the idea that cuddling was just a ruse to get sex when no ruse was required.
We decided to cuddle that night leaving open the possibility that perhaps it could lead to sex. I was amazed at how good the cuddling felt and how it dissolved the brave front we had each been putting up for the other. We cried in each other’s arms, and talked about our fears as we held each other, touched and kissed. We didn’t segue or shift into sexuality. Rather, genital touch simply joined the other loving touches we were sharing. In other words we made love.
I have had a lot of sex in my lifetime. But that was the first time in my more than 40 years I had actually made love to another person. Lo and behold, it is different than just sex. What makes sex personal, at least for me, is incorporating snuggling into foreplay, affection into the act itself and emotional vulnerability into the afterglow.
The next morning, as Pete and I talked about what had happened, we realized that after all these years of deep love, fierce loyalty and mutual respect, Pete and I had just found a whole new level of being in love. Pre-sex cuddling was the something that had been missing for Pete all these years. It has given us a bridge from our cerebral connection to a sexual one. It is strange and wonderful to be an old married couple suddenly having a mid-life honeymoon.
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What I find truly remarkable is how much power for change there is in men speaking their truth—not repeating cultural myths or making generalized pronouncements—but giving answers filled with as much complexity, variety and vulnerability as life itself.
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As Pete and I draw closer, I find that my attitudes about sex are evolving. Love-making is deeply personal; it is nothing like a massage. And while that has a profoundly positive effect on my marriage, it is has the potential to re-open old wounds. I am not sure where my ethics and ideology about sex will wind up. Because if sex is personal then the sexual assault I survived was personal, my first husband’s serial cheating was personal. Depersonalizing sex is a great defense that cuddling wears away.
However my ideas about sex shake out, what is clear is that my thoughts and feelings about cuddling are forever changed. For that we have the commenters here and at Role/Reboot to thank. The internet is supposedly full of people behaving badly. But what we have found is a wealth of wisdom, caring and compassion at a time when we desperately need it.
What I find truly remarkable about this cuddling journey is how much power for change there is in men speaking their truth – not repeating cultural myths or making generalized pronouncements – but giving answers filled with as much complexity, variety and vulnerability as life itself. You have not only changed my mind about cuddling, you have changed my marriage and my life.
I became a writer because I wanted to ease the suffering of others and do my part in making the world a better place. Remarkably, my interactions with readers like those here and Role/Reboot is easing my suffering and making me a better person. For that, I will be eternally grateful.
Read Lynn Beisner’s I Refuse to Believe That Men Enjoy Cuddling, as well as all of the awesome comments from GMP readers.
Lead image of empty bed courtesy of Shutterstock
Image of senior couple cuddling in bed courtesy of Shutterstock
Do kids who spend their lives growing up in boarding schools get cuddled?
Wow! It took you this long to realise? As a child I loved being cuddled. I craved the warmth, protection and comfort that came from being lifted off my feet and being cuddled by my family and other babysitters, including, on occasion, my primary school head teacher (after a fall) and the nuns who lived around the corner (I used to help my Dad fix their electrics and heating). As an adult, I found myself in the position of being the cousin who gets littler cousins climbing all over him, wanting to play or be read to. My aunts and… Read more »
Just goes to show that when you make the effort, when you work at love when you ‘do’ love, anything is possible. A old married couple in the middle of a second honeymoon. Think of the possibilities if we all entered the difficult times in our relationships with this open mindedness and willing to work together. Wonderful and beautiful!
My boyfriends favorite part of his day is that time before we go to bed, or on a lazy Sunday afternoon when we can cuddle. It is during this time we also have meaningful, fulfilling conversations. This is always prior to trying to fall asleep as I can’t be laying on someone falling asleep. But does it lead to sex is not always the thing. We cuddle to cuddle, because it feels good to have my head in the crook of his arm. It brings us both happiness, comfort, safety and feeling connected.
All this sounds like Karezza sex to me.
Your article inspired a topic on The Lady Brain Show. We brought in a dude to get his perspective as well–check out what we concluded–and what the Ladies really think about cuddling. http://traffic.libsyn.com/ladybrain/LadyBrain08-18-12-H2Seg2.mp3
One good intimacy trick I’ve noticed when it’s far too hot to cuddle (and it being August, chances are that it is for most people) is to ‘butt,’ ‘foot,’ or ‘hand.’ Butting is good at night when you both want to fall asleep after sex, and you’re to hot and sweaty to actually cuddle. Turn opposite ways and just press your asses against each other’s. The foot thing is when you really want to snuggle, but it’s so hot that it’s uncomfortable…so you just have some part of your feet press against your partner’s foot or calf. ‘Hand’ is just… Read more »
So, since you guys are dispelling myths and speaking your truth: What is the difference between a woman who likes to cuddle and requests it often and a woman who is clingy?
Clingy-ness is something that exists entirely in the head of the clingy-one. It’s dependency, when someone who doesn’t love themselves and is seeking to fill that void by having someone else love them. Needless to say this never turns out well. Whenever someone is accused of being ‘clingy’ I think there’s always a great deal of inference going on since certainty requires mind-reading. That doesn’t mean that the other partner isn’t right, just that the accusation isn’t necessarily a complete picture of what’s happening. A clingy women who constantly seeks cuddling probably doesn’t reciprocate. I.e. she never assumes the dominant… Read more »
A major difference for me is that clingy people tend to not respect any wishes to not cuddle. As much as I like to cuddle there are times where I am not so inclined (if it’s to hot as someone mentioned).
In addition I’ll just say that the word clingy signifies more than being overly cuddly to me, it also describes a lack of self-reliance, a lack of independence in matters outside cuddling.
I agree with Tamen. I loved cuddling with my first boyfriend, and I was clingy, though neither had anything to do with eachother.
I teared up at this. I’m so happy for you two, and I hope the future brings good things for you. Thank you for such a heartfelt story, and thank you for your openness to share in the first place.
Like I said in your older article, it takes a big person to admit fault and share your vulnerabilities the way you’re doing. I have faith that you’ll be strong enough to cope with your past and use your new knowledge to build a better future with your husband.
I am very happy that it turned out so well for you and your husband. What I find truly remarkable about this cuddling journey is how much power for change there is in men speaking their truth Not to mention the pre-requisite for that: Asking and actually listening to men. Thank you for that! It’s heartening to see such a positive and concrete story resulting from asking and listening to men. This is something which in many arenas I feel society only recently have begun to do. Arenas like DV and sexual violence are also at the starting block where… Read more »
I should have saw this one coming from a mile away. Lynn Beisner, the author of this article, also submitted an article about how we can’t judge John Edwards for committing adultery. Both articles are guaranteed to get responses from people. I think that very many men are very emotional and sensitive. Far more than society gives us credit for. In fact there are far more pragmatic women that aren’t especially intuitive or emotional or anything of that sort than we give women credit for. I think the main difference between men who are more emotional, cuddly, whatever, is that… Read more »
Wow, what a fantastic story. I made a comment on your first article, and I’m so happy that they helped you so profoundly! I too think GMP is amazing in the opinions and candid information being shared. When there’s so much junk and antagonism online (to the point of self medicating), I think that the power of the issues in this place show that it’s hit upon a world of things that need to be shared and opened up about. I’m thinking of submitting some things on here myself, lots of thoughts, and a bit of giving back if I… Read more »
Thanks for this great piece, Lynn. Obviously the whole goal here at GMP is to allow men to speak the truth to stereotypes that ring false. One thing that I noted in your piece was about cuddle postion. My 7 year old son likes to drape his body over me like a table cloth. That is heavenly in my opinion, even if it is hard to breathe. My wife and I often ask whether she wants me to hold her or she would prefer to hold me. When I feel particularly down it is a great comfort to have my… Read more »
Thomas, your therapist is correct about touch being relaxing upon the nervous system. I am a Licensed Massage Practitioner and that is one of the basic principles of the benefits of touch. Of course, the therapeutic benefits of positive touch are not limited to licensed healthcare practitioners. It’s a scientific fact that touch apprehended as ‘good touch’ stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system. Put in basic terms, that is the wiring for the systems related to “rest & digest” or “feed & breed.” The opposite is the sympathetic nervous system, which is referred to “fight or flight.” Positive touch stimulates things… Read more »
Thanks for that great information! I’m sort of a high strung individual and I find that just being in physical contact with my partner (like leaning on his shoulder while we’re on the couch) or hand-holding has a great calming effect on me. I think that North American society doesn’t have much of a distinction between “sensual” and “sexual” and hence there’s a tendency to shy away from or be anxious about forms of touch that aren’t clearly part of sexuality, including displays of affection (hugs, pats, hand squeezes, shoulder rubs, etc), touch therapy (massage, etc), and social activities like… Read more »
It’s true. There are a lot of people whom after childhood, only associate touch to be of a sexual nature. This is one of the reasons why it’s so strange for many people to think that getting a massage even if you’re not feeling any pain or injury is still good for you. Also, the association with sex and touch in the U.S. is so strong that massage practitioners have a flat-out, unofficial campaign at battling being called a “masseuse” or “masseur” because that implies sexwork. Many sex-workers advertise as being a masseuse when they are actually doing sexwork. It… Read more »
Andm, if you’re touch-starved, don’t wait for Ms. Right or Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now, go get a full-body Swedish relaxation or hot stone massage!! I think one other problem along with associating touching with sex is associating touch with a specific type of intimacy. I have friends (male and female) that I could freely hug and cuddle with if I wanted to, and I often do. Problem is that cuddling felt different. It felt like there was something missing in the touch. For years I was able to connect with people through touch but I still felt wrong.… Read more »
My partner and I both like to cuddle, either as fore/afterplay or just as a calming, relaxing, comfortable closeness on the couch while we watch TV. Animals like to pile on to share warmth and security…hence the internet photos of puppy piles and kittens snuggling. Mammals, and especially primates, thrive on touch and contact, and so do humans. And animals and humans…the Olympics-watching marathon in our house is usually an audience of two people and a dog sprawled on the couch in various degrees of layering. The dog likes to rest his head on a human foot or leg. I… Read more »
Lynn, I’m like you, I don’t find the traditional cuddling posture to be very comfortable, in my case, due to neck pain. But like your husband, my boyfriend loves to cuddle up to me with my arms around him and his head on my shoulder or chest. Another position you might try is to lie on your side next to your husband with your head on a pillow, while he lies on his back. You can drape your arm across his chest and put your legs against his, or hold hands, etc. My boyfriend and I like to cuddle this… Read more »
Because if sex is personal then the sexual assault I survived was personal, my first husband’s serial cheating was personal. Depersonalizing sex is a great defense that cuddling wears away. I think you might be making a generalization error here. Not all sex need be personal. I certainly don’t think of my sexual assaults as personal – even the one where my assailant was a friend. And at the same time I can see the sexual experiences with my partner as deeply personal. To see sex as categorically personal or not ignores the possibility that perhaps we should be judging… Read more »
Nick, you could well be right. As I said in the last section, I am not sure how my sexual ideology will shake out. What I do know is that this experience has both shaken and stirred it.
I have to say something that some folks probably said in your last post but probably not.
I’ve never been in a situation where I could cuddle with someone until very recently (like in the last week). Let me tell you it was great.
There was awkwardness on my part, not knowing what I was allowed to do (and not allowed to do) but once those kinks got ironed out I enjoyed myself and she was happy with it too.
Fuck what you heard, cuddling is the shit.
You were taught wrong. Anything to say to those who mistaught you?
Yes I do, in fact, have something to say to those who mistaught me. To the religious/moral nags: “Nana-nana-boo-boo, your life sucks and mine doesn’t.” I think I would manage to be more mature with everyone else and say, “I hope one day you find the same joy that Pete and I have found.” and “It works if you work it.”
Reading this brought tears to my eyes. Congratulations, Lynn. And, thank you, and your husband, for being so brave and sharing this.
We are the ones who should be thanking you.