I Read My Diary Entries From 2018…

2018.

“I’m quitting my job and moving to California.”

My mom stopped talking and stared at me with a confused look on her face. She knows I’m serious but she’s uncertain of whether to scold me, laugh or probably cry.

“What are you talking about? Why would you move to California? You don’t know anybody there.”

“I know. But, I think I need to do this for myself. I have this gut feeling that it’s the right thing to do.”

“A gut feeling…”

“I prayed about it.” I quickly added.

“Do you have money? Do you have a job?”

“I’m saving up $10,000 and I’ll find something when I’m there.”

“Why would you want to leave everything you’ve built behind? Your job? Family? Friends?”

I look out the window, it’s raining outside.

“I don’t know. I just know I need to go. I think there’s something better out there for me.”

I moved to LA in July of 2018, and it’s been a whirlwind of a ride. I still remember waking up on July 4th at 4 am to get up and get ready for my long drive. I could barely sleep that night. I was too excited.

…

I said goodbye to my room, I’d been living with my cousin for the last few years. I made instant coffee. I cracked her door open and our dog Tyrese came at me, I kissed him, I hugged her goodbye, she cried, I didn’t.

My life was boxed up in my car. I brought only my clothes, and a couple books. I wanted to be careful about what I took with me. I was starting a new life, I didn’t want remnants of my old one in it.

I turned on a podcast, got on the highway, and drove to Portland, Oregon. Stopping by for a quick breakfast and to meet up with an old friend.

Then I drove to San Francisco, I stayed at an airbnb overnight. I watched the fireworks from the window. I sent a picture with a text to my mom saying, “I made it.”

It was cold, I was too scared to get under the blanket because I thought it wasn’t clean. I covered myself up in one of my sweaters. I woke up early and drove around looking for coffee. I ate an omelette at a cute little diner. I went to see the ocean, it was too foggy out so I decided to start driving to LA.

I made it to Torrance within 6 years. I stopped by for food. I had fish tacos, they were incredible. I went straight to the beach from there.

I’ll never forget how I felt as I sat on that beach, looking out at the ocean. My heart felt at peace.

I’d taken a huge risk coming to LA. I didn’t know anyone, I didn’t have an apartment, I had a savings account and a plan to meet with a guy I found on Craigslist who was renting a room in Palms.

I knew I was being looked after. I knew I’d be taken care of. I just kept saying, “thank you God. Thank you thank you thank you thank you” as I walked in the water.

I drove to Trader Joes, bought a box of granola bars and a small container of raspberries. “Would you like a bag?” I looked at the cashier, why is she asking me that? “sure…” I said confused.

“It’s 10 cents.”

I laughed, “for a bag?” She looked at me without smiling. “Yes.”

I declined the bag and carried my food and water in my hands as I walked back to my car and drove to my hotel for the night.

…

My room is $1,200 per month. I’m living with two guys. They’re nice but messy. One of them plays piano when I’m trying to sleep. The other one has become my friend and we get along really well. He just came out. I’m the first person he told. He’s mormon.

I’m working remotely for a tech startup, my income is $2,000 per month. I blew through my savings so I’m getting a job as a waitress.

…

I’ve met a lot of celebrities. I cater parties with free booze and flirt with my coworkers. I met a famous basketball player and went on a few dates with him.

He gave me $1,000 cash for my birthday and planned a fabulous dinner for me and my best friend at Nobu when she visited me. When the bill came, my heart dropped. It was upwards of a grand.

“Mr. X has taken care of the bill for you ladies.”

My best friend smiled and ordered us another round of drinks. I wasn’t 21 yet.

…

I’m in bed with a married man. He brought me a bottle of wine. I never liked wine.

I’m shy and unsure of what to do. I met him at the gym. He’s a pro MMA fighter with a God-like body that’s covered in tattoos. He has warm brown eyes.

…

I’ve been dating the basketball player for a few months now. He’s twice my age and never stops texting me. I like the attention.

…

My best friend is visiting me. We’re going out to celebrate my 21st birthday on halloween weekend. We’re meeting up with my friend and his roommate. I’ve had a crush on my friend for months but he told me he doesn’t want anything serious and I should see other people.

I’m tired and lonely. I wish he liked me back.

…

I tried molly for the first time. I felt on top of the fucking world walking through the club that night. I lost my friends and they found me at someones table. A guy was trying to convince me to go home with him.

My crush grabbed me and told him, “Don’t ever come near her again.”

In the uber ride home, he held my head in his lap and told me to stop grinding my teeth.

I closed my eyes tightly. Trying to hold the tears back.

I don’t remember anything after that.

…

I broke things off with Mr. X. He’s in New York filming a movie and I lost my phone at the club and he got angry with me. I had to get a new phone and when I called him he asked when he could see me.

I hesitated.

He called me a bitch and I hung up on him. I never talked to him again and blocked his number.

…

I went to Laguna beach with my crush for the first time. It was a warm November day. I couldn’t believe I was at the beach in a bikini in November.

My crush told me he cared about me and wants to be with me. I didn’t believe him. “You’re just jealous that I’m seeing other people.”

…

I went to the club with the MMA fighter. He got us a table. I downed 3 vodka cranberries in under 10 minutes and was dancing with the DJ.

I blacked out that night and he drove me home. He didn’t take my phone or purse. My keys were in there.

…

I woke up in a hospital room. Alcohol poisoning.

…

My crush was sitting next to me holding my hand. He had tried calling me. The bouncer at the club found my purse and took my $40. He picked up when my crush called my phone and told him he had 10 minutes to get to the club and get my bag.

…

I was hungover for days. I felt sick with myself. I didn’t come to start a new life for this. I was better than this. I am better than this. There’s more to life than this.

…

The MMA fighter reached out to me to make sure I was okay. I ignored him.

…

My crush and I are lying down in his bed. I’m staring at the ceiling. “I love you. Please believe me. I don’t want you dating anyone else. I don’t want you with anyone else ever again.”

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.