I was probably wrong.
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In American culture, there is a stigma towards men who outwardly show affection through touching their male friends: They are often presumed to be gay. I thought I knew better not to make this assumption. Yet, one day at work, I fell into this assumption of stereotypes.
I was giving an interpretive tour of an historic building to a group of junior high age students from a small cooperative school. Throughout the tour, I noticed two young boys standing very close together, shoulder-to-shoulder. Often, they would reach out and place a hand on the others arm or back.
The first thought that crept into my mind was “How cute, they’re gay.”
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After the formal part of the tour was over, I was chatting with the boys when one of the them draped his arm around the other’s shoulder and left it there for a couple of minutes. The first thought that crept into my mind was “How cute, they’re gay.” I admired their courage for being open and affectionate towards each other in public, especially in such a conservative state such as Idaho. However, as I continued to observe their interactions, I noticed that their touching was more on the playful and platonic side. Nothing in their body language really suggested that they were a couple. It appeared that maybe they were just best mates.
My assumption was based on a stereotype that has been indoctrinated into American society for generations.
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After we all parted ways, I chided myself for automatically jumping to the conclusion they were gay. Why else would two males be touching each other? Could it be that they were just friends, simply showing how much they cared for one another? This is mostly likely, the correct scenario. Nothing about what they were doing even suggested what their sexuality was. My assumption was based on a stereotype that has been indoctrinated into American society for generations.
Another assumption I made was thinking they were even a couple to begin with. Switch out one of the boys for a girl, and I think I would have still thought they were romantically involved. Nothing in their interaction with each other suggested otherwise. My assumption was based simply on the fact they were touching one another, even in what appeared to be a friendly demeanor, so they must be together. Again, can’t friends just touch each other, regardless of their gender or sexual orientation?
Why did I make these assumptions in the first place?
GMP editor Mark Greene writes:
“We are not typically taught that we can touch and be touched as platonic expression of joyful human contact.”
The result of this narrative is you have men who are afraid to touch their male friends out of fear of both internal and external homophobia and ridicule from society.
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Over the past couple of centuries, our society has taught us that men who outwardly show affection towards one another through extended periods of touch are gay or perceived to be gay. Additionally, we have been taught that touch, even platonic, has a sexual cogitation behind it (unless it’s done by a family member.) The result of this narrative is you have men who are afraid to touch their male friends out of fear of both internal and external homophobia and ridicule from society. They also are afraid that touching another person, regardless of gender, may be perceived as sexual. The final result has led to a lack of platonic touch among men.
Regardless whether these two boys are a gay couple or straight best friends, I find their act of open, friendly affection towards each other rebellious and brave in a world that says not to be. They are examples in what I hope is a changing culture among American males—it is okay to show affection through platonic touch. They are encouraging all men to show what genuine affection looks like; empowering them to to reach out and touch their friends and loved ones (with consent of course). One of these days, our culture will reach a point where we’ll see two guys show affection through touch and we won’t perceive them to be gay. Instead, we’ll think of how good of friends they are.
To read more about the lack platonic touch among men, check out the following articles by Mark Greene:
Touch Isolation: How Homophobia Has Robbed All Men of Touch
The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
Odd. Im sure we all remember a time when the stereotypical jockish guys were the ones accused of making assumptions like this. “Oh their masculinity is so fragile that they can’t handle the idea of guys being close with each other without framing it as sexual.” But now look where we are. People who think themselves above that, progressive if you will, are the ones making those assumptions now. Even now we see in this fandoms. People who think they are so progressive and forward thinking for opening considering the possibility of two guys being a gay couple foaming at… Read more »
And this highlights how odd American culture is. We’ve sexualized everything to the point of ludicrousness. But we cannot seem to stop ourselves from this train wreck. What is it about us? Is it media? I don’t know but it’s affecting everything that we do and are.
I agreed with the articles by Mark Greene that American men and boys have been conditioned not to show any kind of physical touching, crying, compassion, etc.
The first thought that crept into my mind was “How cute, they’re gay.” “saw-two-boys-show-affection-towards-one-another-and-assumed-they-were-gay” “Could it be that they were just friends, simply showing how much they cared for one another? ” Could it be that because of your involvement in the LGBT community that your mind automatically went the gay rout? I’m not saying this to be mean but it certainly could have been such. I so much struggle with these articles that lay claim that historically, as a norm, men don’t touch. Who came up with this? I’ve got an old photo, in fact I have many old… Read more »
Grow those four in the title picture up and you have a shot of myself and my three best friends at my wedding…in the exact same type of pose. In fact, most of our pictures together were like that, and we were a group of city kids that played sports, had our share of fist fights, and all manner of “manly” adventure.
Out of the box gents, out of the box.