I Will Find a Way to Your Heart

Seven,… The seven steps I may take. I could drag them out to twenty-two as I walk in circles of doubt as per the lunacy of my audacity. Not more or less than that. That’s the distance between me and you.

Oh, I counted. I had to. It’s one thing to anticipate anxiety, it’s another to walk into it. A friend once told me that you could just as well stare down a barrel of a gun with your finger on the trigger. I don’t think he was right though, there is nothing sweet about self spatter.

But I must agree, that unexplained feeling of not knowing what lies ahead is intense either way. The mere act of making the first step feels like an out-of-body experience.

That is truly a sensation of heightened awareness. In it, I am aware of everything. Even the steps I make.

I can feel the dust particles crumble beneath the weight of my feet. Why am I all of a sudden concerned about collapsing dust? It better not be a subconscious plea to bury me already.

I’m looking for any excuse to sit back down but I have none. I lied. There is the air. I can feel its resistance dragging my momentum. I know the way to you but even the air won’t let me.

Was science wrong? I think it was because my body’s aerodynamic drag force is noticeably significant as I make these steps toward you.

But, which kind of fool, walks into their own grave. It’s the fool in love. Well, you were a fool once, it’s only fair that I return the favor.

Shit!! Shit!!! Shit!!! I can see the white straps of your shoe. I can’t make out where you are. It’s so dark. Why did you choose to hide out there? It’s not yet time for us to play hide and seek.

Shit!!! While I was on this thought trend, my body was on autopilot and turned me towards the toilet direction. It’s cold, I just had a liter of pot water, but I can assure you, I have no calls to make.

I’m going to assume you saw me walking toward you and yes, that walk was meant to walk to you. But now, but now I must scramble for pocket change to get me into the public toilet so that I can re-group and come back for a second try.

This time I must stop my body from drugging me with thought and whisking me away from you. I have to talk to you, even though I have no idea what I am going to say.

Here we go.

There are those shoe straps again. They are my sign that you are still there. It’s so dark I can’t see where you are but those straps will guide me to you.

“Hello, Hi,…. good morning”…

Aaaaaayy the stammer yielded something comprehensible. Would you look at that? James said more than one word to that girl. The one who feels him with energy pulses whenever she passes just a few feet from him. — All aspects of my personality celebrate as they appear to order popcorn and sit to watch how it all goes down.

My brain cells are all fried at this point. I’m numb to common sense, logic, feeling, and my sense of self. Now I know what my friend meant when she said that she forgot how to breathe.

“good…morning…” — You reply.

Is that an enthusiastic response or are you reaching for paper spray? I can’t see shit. I can’t tell. Meanwhile, my body is fighting to pilot my movements. I can feel the force pulling me away from your seemingly perfect being. That explains why my back was facing you as I said my greetings.

You would think that after 29 years on earth, my personalities would be able to behave, but they have not only dropped that salty popcorn all over my brain, they are now constantly phasing in and out as they attempt to arrest the situation.

Your face eludes me. The one time I overcome so much to talk to you is the time you are blanketed in the darkness. Even the light has deserted me.

I want to see that face, to lock eyes with you, and capture that moment in my strangely artistic mind. Yeah, that’s probably the problem. I just can’t comprehend the perfection of your being.

I have tried, believe me. It’s world war for my brain cells. But it was worth it to talk to you. I miss it already but at least I know your name now. I promise that next time won’t be as awkward.

Now that the search for your heart is on, I must carry my light along.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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