I Will Give You a Gold Star for Basic Decency

Are you a basically nice person? You don’t bully people or try to take advantage of them? You make an effort to learn about others and treat them kindly?

Thank you, and please accept this gold star sticker if you want it. If the sticker feels too childish, I hope the “thank you” suffices.

There’s this rhetoric that people, especially men and white people, “don’t get a gold star for basic decency” in relationships or advancing social justice. Another variation is “We shouldn’t thank [insert demographic here] just for recognizing that [insert problem here] exists!”

Now, okay, maybe you don’t deserve to be elevated to a pedestal. But if you’re really in it to be good to people and make the world a better place, that’s probably not what you want, anyway.

Still, maybe it would feel good to get a little acknowledgement that you’re trying, a little encouragement that you’re on the right track. Maybe it sucks to feel like you’re not good enough to be given any regard whatsoever and you’re starting to get discouraged that you’ll never be good enough.

Okay. Sit down next to me. I see your efforts, and I appreciate them. What you’re feeling is human and you’re not bad for feeling that way. That’s just how the brain is, bébé.

If it matters to you, despite my skin tone, I’m not “white.” Not genetically and certainly not ethnically/culturally. I’m not a man, and I don’t have a penis. Nope, not heterosexual either. So I’m not protecting my own identity and ego by telling you hey, thanks for being nice. It’s not a pretense in order to open the door for my own absolution.

Nor am I a pacifist or Pollyanna. I don’t love everyone. My principles include the notion that sometimes, you have to fight people for the sake of self-protection or others’ well-being. There are humans I’d like wiped from the expanse of this planet.

In response to the rising tide of feminism and anti-racism, some people have written to applaud “white men” as a whole for building Western society. I find that eye-roll worthy and I’m not doing that. Some white guys were pretty cool as individuals; I have a huge historical crush on Thomas Paine (or as I like to call him, Tommy P). I just think it’s stupid to puff up a demographic for the contributions of some of its members.

But if you, as an individual, are making an honest effort to make other people’s lives better, even in simple, everyday ways, then thank you for doing that. If you’re not out there looking to hurt and exploit others, honestly, fantastic. Glad to have you on “my side.” I’d love for everyone to be here.

There are people in every camp who will call you a simp and suspect you of only making an effort in order to get social rewards of some kind. You know your motivations, and if you know what they’re saying is not true of yourself, then good. They’re wrong. Other people’s perspectives are limited and, as difficult and counter to our social programming as it is, you don’t have to accept their opinion of you as The Truth.

(If separating your self-worth from the opinions of others is something you struggle with, that’s normal. It takes practice. Here is a resource to get started that contains some theory, exercises, book recommendations, and videos.)

All you have to accept is that some people aren’t going to be your friends or even approve of you, and their reasons are their own. That’s true of everyone in the world, though. No one is liked by everyone.

I won’t lie to you and say that basic decency will be “enough” to interest other people in being friends with you, partnering with you romantically, or considering you an ally. People have all kinds of different standards and priorities, and that’s valid and okay.

To be honest, basic decency isn’t enough to motivate me to want to be friends or partners with someone, either. What the “you don’t get a gold star” people and I agree on is that basic decency is a groundwork requirement for these things.

After that, though, it’s not a matter of “standards” so much as preferences and priorities. Or compatibility, if you like.

Compatibility is just a wildly individual thing. I need a lot of mental stimulation and shared values and interests or I won’t feel motivated to spend time with someone. Other people need someone dedicated to earning enough money to afford having children in a place where there’s a high cost of living.

And in terms of activism, I don’t think important social changes are going to be accomplished by basic decency alone. I see why it’s not enough for some people to want to work alongside you as activists: They’re further down the road and are waiting for you to catch up. Some are impatient, and there are valid reasons for that.

But you’re not required to punish yourself for not meeting their timeline. It’s not necessary in order to qualify as a good person and it doesn’t accomplish anything.

With all of that settled:

I appreciate that you choose to be decent when you could choose to be terrible, or just kind of generally unpleasant. A lot of people choose to be terrible, or don’t see the point of considering anyone else.

Thanks for not being one of those people.

Basic decency is the foundation for good relationships, and you’ve laid that. The gold star is to commemorate the first step. What you should focus on next depends on what kind of relationship you want and with what kind of person, or the social justice / civil rights work you’re best suited for.

But right now, take a moment to recognize and validate yourself that you’re choosing to care. Remember that making choices and acting on your values is worthwhile even in small ways, and there are people who appreciate it, even if they don’t think to say it, or don’t know you personally to be able to say it to you.

Every effort you make to learn more and do better moves us forward, a little at a time. So thank you.

And hey, pick out another sticker to give yourself for when you take the next step.

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Previously Published on medium

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