I Wrote My Ex a Letter

We had just broken up after having been together for almost four years. Prior to that, we’d also been good friends for a year. The break-up wasn’t exactly unexpected; we weren’t really a happy couple, nor were we very compatible — which I realized only a while after our relationship ended. Still, both of us were trying hard to make it work. He thought he needed to change a few things about himself to be a better partner, and I thought all the memories we made together were worth the compromises I was constantly making. He was also the first person I ever fell in love with, which made it harder to let go. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to deal with heartbreak.

But then it happened. Surprisingly, the worst part wasn’t the heartbreak. It was the fact that I didn’t receive proper closure. He just decided that he no longer wanted to do this and that he could end a relationship that lasted 4 years in 10 minutes. Yes, 10 minutes. He told me I simply wasn’t his type and gave no further explanations. I was taken aback by the fact that it took him 4 whole years to realize this. It just didn’t click.

He asked me if there was anything that I wanted to say. “I don’t know what to say.”, I replied, because the news felt heavy to process. Instead of allowing me some time to be able to express myself or trying to further elaborate why he was ending things, he just got up and left. I was speechless.

For the days to come, I was overwhelmed by a bunch of mixed emotions thinking about this. I was, of course, sad because I’d just lost both a lover and a friend. But more importantly, I felt angry and disappointed. Couldn’t he show me enough respect by giving me a proper explanation as to how he realized I wasn’t his type and what he was exactly looking for in the relationship and didn’t find? Couldn’t he have some common courtesy to wait until I could put my thoughts into words? Did 4 whole years mean nothing to him to the extent that he just wanted to run away as quickly as possible from the whole situation?

When I talked about this with a few of my close friends, they all told me that breaking up with someone simply isn’t easy and that this is why he didn’t have the guts to have the hard conversation I thought we should have had. I understood, but I still couldn’t help but feel disrespected. This made me so angry.

Anger is such a consuming feeling. I had read about the 5 stages of grief — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance — and anger seemed to be the one I was stuck in for the longest time. I attributed this to how things ended. The scene of him getting up and leaving so easily just kept playing in my mind over and over again. The fact that he didn’t care enough to hear me out made me feel so betrayed. It signaled that he valued neither the relationship, nor our friendship, nor me as a person.

My mind kept spinning scenes of me giving him a long speech in which I told him everything that I wanted to say. On the other hand, I was scolding myself for even bothering. After a while of going back and forth, I finally decided to write him a letter. I didn’t know at first if I was going to send it, but I knew that writing has always been my most favored method of expression and that it will most certainly help me feel lighter. This was all that mattered. I wanted to let go of these grudges I was holding.

The letter I wrote exceeded 5 pages. I didn’t believe I had so much to get off my chest. I remember highlighting the fact that I wished he had ended things in a more respectful manner. I expressed how I still couldn’t wrap my mind around the reason why he broke up with me and how he wasted both of our times only to realize in the end that I simply wasn’t his type. Wasn’t this something you realize by the first or second date with someone already? I made sure he knows that I’m glad things ended, that I have realized that we were by no means compatible, but that I still hoped he had cherished all of the memories we made enough to show this as he ended things. I made sure he knows how much it hurt to not get proper closure.

And yes, I sent the letter. I now wish I hadn’t, though. I’ll explain.

I’m certainly proud of myself for having had enough courage to be vulnerable. I just no longer think that everyone deserves to see this vulnerability. Although my ex’s response to the letter was a positive one, and though we sat to have a proper conversation where each of us expressed their reasons as to why we would have probably never made it and what each of us could do better the next time with a different person, I think I would have been able to do just well without that. I would have been able to figure out most of it by myself.

If I had waited for a while before sending that letter, I would have probably realized that it simply wouldn’t get me anywhere. Yes, it was a bit of a relief to send it and receive a positive response, but I could have also just let time do its job and aid my healing without this. I could have burned it and probably felt just as relieved. It would have also been even more devastating if his response was just as cold as the closure he gave me at first — an unnecessary risk to put myself at in that case.

I kind of attribute my sending the letter to having struggled with self-worth issues at that time. If I were to be in the same situation I was in right now, I would never allow myself to knock on a door that was slammed shut in my face. At least that’s how it felt. I would have also realized that being brave enough to be vulnerable is a great thing, but that expressing vulnerability should also be done in safe places. My ex was no longer a safe place.

On the other hand, I can still see why I did it. When we fail at a job interview, we like to receive feedback on what went wrong. When we don’t do well on a test, we like to know how we can do better next time. Similarly, when a relationship ends, we want to know why. This makes heartbreak a bit easier to overcome and helps us learn more about ourselves when the feedback provided is constructive.

Still, I believe I would have been able to overcome heartbreak without sending this letter. It might have taken a bit more time, but I’d have made it through, anyways. I also wouldn’t be cringing at the fact that I sent it as I am now. No regrets, though. The whole experience taught me to always ask myself before communicating something with another person why I need to do it and what I hope to get out of it. If the answer isn’t convincing enough or is still ambiguous (which it was in my case), communicating it may as well be unnecessary.

What do you personally think? Have you ever sent your ex a letter? Would you do it? Let me know in the comments below.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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