Let’s say you’ve gone on a few dates with a person. You’re wondering what their general attachment style might be — and would it mix well with yours?
Given my background in psychology and extensive dating experience these last 14 years, I feel “qualified” enough to at least share my opinions and observations of how it feels on dates with each of the four styles.
Some of these opinions I arrived at because the person blatantly self-identified as a certain attachment style; others, through observation of a behavioral pattern over time, paired with what the person had shared about their past traumas, relationship experiences, and dating histories.
**These are my perceptions and opinions, not absolute truth. I very much acknowledge that I could be wrong!
I also personally believe that many of us contain aspects of every attachment style to varying degrees. However, the purpose of this article is to identify the attachment style that your date is showing signs of displaying with you more specifically.
They may self-identify as a different one, or display an opposing tendency with others, but their style in the specific context of the two of you together is what’s important here.
This is different than trying to diagnose or label them globally (which we have neither the authority nor enough information to do).
Let’s jump right in.
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A brief refresher on the attachment styles
According to The Attachment Project:
“People with the anxious attachment style strongly desire security within relationships, and attention, care. Responsiveness from a partner tends to be the ‘remedy’ for their feelings of anxiety.
In a nutshell, people with this attachment style value their relationships highly, but are often hypervigilant towards threats to their security, as well as anxious and worried that their loved one is not as invested in the relationship as they are.”
The authors describe dissmissive-avoidants as follows:
“Someone with the avoidant attachment style tends to believe that they don’t have to be in a relationship to feel complete: They do not want to depend on others, have others depend on them, or seek support and approval in social bonds.
Adults with this attachment style generally avoid intimacy or emotional closeness, so may withdraw from a relationship if they feel like the other person is becoming reliant on them in this manner. They also tend to hide or suppress their feelings when faced with a potentially emotion-dense situation, such as conflict.
And fearful-avoidant, or “disorganized” attachment style:
“For adults with disorganized attachment, the partner and the relationship themselves are often the source of both desire and fear. On the one hand, fearful-avoidant people do want intimacy and closeness, but on the other hand, experience troubles trusting and depending on others.
And lastly, secure:
“The three attachment styles covered so far (anxious, avoidant, and disorganized) are insecure attachment styles, so they are characterized by difficulties with cultivating and maintaining healthy relationships.
In contrast, the secure attachment style implies that a person is comfortable expressing emotions openly. Therefore, adults with a secure attachment style can depend on their partners and, in turn, let their partners rely on them.
Relationships with someone with a secure attachment style are based on honesty, tolerance, and emotional closeness. Although someone with this attachment style often thrives in their relationships, they also don’t fear being on their own. They can successfully identify and regulate their emotions, and even help a partner do so with theirs.”
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So, what’s it generally like on dates with a dismissive-avoidant?
In my personal experience, if we connect I tend to feel a physical or intellectual connection, but minimal emotional connection.
One woman and I could have substantive conversations about books, movies, and life philosophies. She shared her thoughts; I occasionally shared mine (though she didn’t leave as much space for me to as I would’ve liked). Very rarely did she share her feelings though.
We had no talks about our childhood traumas like I tended to with fearful- avoidants. The closest we got to unveiling vulnerabilities was through a discussion and analysis of the notoriously emotionally unavailable L Word character Shane. Our make-out sessions were fire though.
This woman described herself as a “bad texter,” and her responses were always very brief and minimal. She’d take hours or even a couple of days to reply (the exception was the day after we first had sex, when she was noticeably more starry-eyed with the emojis).
Here’s what makes identifying a dismissive-avoidant tricky: sometimes anxiously attached daters have a hard time telling between an avoidant and a person whose behavior simply boils down to maintaining appropriate boundaries and pacing. This in part why I dated the girl mentioned earlier for as long as I did. It was only in retrospect that her boundaries seemed more rigid to me than what a secure dater would have.
Keep in mind (according to The Attachment Project):
“People with an avoidant attachment style tend to end their relationships more frequently. When you meet someone new, the probability that they have an avoidant attachment style is high — much higher than their relative size in the population — 25 percent. Not only are they recycled back into the dating pool more quickly, but they are not dating one another (at least not for long), nor are they dating secure people that much, because secures are less available.”
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My relationships with anxiously-attached people tended to play out as: they were highly responsive through texts and messages, and seemed to have formed some kind of attachment to me before we’d met in person.
This fondness wasn’t to who I actually was, but to the idea they’d developed of me; or to my profile, at the very least. We’d meet, maybe go on one, two, or even three dates — then the fantasy illusion would dissipate, the reality of our (lack of connection) would kick in, and they’d detach.
With some, we just didn’t vibe personality-wise (I too would “detach” or not pursue things because I didn’t feel much connection). Or the physical chemistry was lacking.
With others still, I got the sense that they failed to feel a “spark” with me because I don’t behave like an elusive and unpredictable avoidant (at least not anymore, though I did in years past when less self-aware and further back in my healing).
Daters with severe and unexamined anxious attachment tend to be all about those sparks. There’s variation within preferences of course, but often they are (on a subconscious level) attracted to withholding dismissive-avoidant partners, or to whoever reinforces their belief in themselves as unloveable. Like other insecure attachment styles, they’re likely to find secures boring, or other anxious people too cumbersome (disliking the same qualities and behaviors in others that they are ashamed of in their own selves).
A self-professed anxiously attached girl I once dated even admitted that she was more comfortable in the pursuer role — and didn’t know how it felt to be “chased back.” She associated relationships and attraction with perpetually biding for another’s attention, having dated a series of partners whom she’d felt were never truly that invested.
*Some of the women who self-identified as anxiously attached, I suspect fell more along the fearful-avoidant spectrum. I’m of the belief that most insecurely attached people actually belong somewhere along this spectrum, and that fewer are clear-cut anxious or avoidant across all situations.
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Those hot and cold relationships tend to be with fearful-avoidants.
They’ll go all in with you one day, then draw back the next.
You can think of fearful-avoidant as a combination of anxious and avoidant behaviors, or switching back and forth between the two.
My relationships with (suspected) fearful-avoidants tended to unfold as follows: they laid out much of their childhood trauma if not on date one, then fairly early on. This would lead me to feel a deeper connection, as vulnerability and emotionally transparent conversations are my kryptonite. Then their defenses would kick in, and they’d pull back. Or I’d hear that they were “only attracted to me in a friend way.”
That classic example of the guy who says he’s not looking for a relationship is what many people think of as the “quintessential avoidant.” For a while, this is what threw me. None of the women I dated were like that. We seemed to connect deeply. They valued intimacy and sought it out.
As I’ve learned though, you can say you are looking for a relationship and still have avoidant tendencies. Also, as stated earlier people’s self-perception and what their behavior might gradually reveal over time don’t always align.
Maybe those women just weren’t attracted to me; I simply wasn’t their type, and it had nothing to do with attachment style at all. Still, I just feel like a secure person wouldn’t string along a person who they know is physically or romantically interested in them if they’re pretty sure they only see them as a friend.
I’ve learned to live by this motto:
When they tell you who they are, take it with a grain of salt.
When they show you who they are and what they’re capable of, believe them.
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My dates with securely attached folks: haha, what dates?
I’m kidding. Sort of.
I’m sure I’ve been on some. It’s just that unfortunately, few stick out to me. Maybe I didn’t feel a spark with them. Or they didn’t feel one with me either, so they were straightforward about this, and communication didn’t drag on after the spark-less date, and no cat and mouse game followed. Our “relationship” amounted to nothing more than one simple date that didn’t turn into a second, and failed to imprint on my memory.
I imagine a date with a securely attached person feels calm and balanced. They ask you questions and make space for your responses. They share about their own life at a pace that feels appropriate. They don’t talk to you as if you’re their girlfriend prematurely, or perhaps they take their time with the physical aspects of the relationship (though this isn’t a hard and fast rule).
There’s a levelness to the interactions (which isn’t to say they can’t also be exciting). You won’t have a weird gut feeling around them that something’s just off.
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What can you do with this?
Pay attention to these cues not for the purpose of needlessly placing anyone into a box, but rather, to provide context and guide you in your process.
Keep in mind that you’ll most benefit from looking at these behaviors holistically and in totality, rather than cherry-picking individual ones.
As the authors of Attached wrote:
“Looking at one behavior, attitude, or belief is not enough to determine your partner’s attachment style. That is why there is no ONE characteristic that can establish someone’s style but rather a combination if behaviors and attitudes that together create a coherent pattern. It is the whole picture that tells the story.”
If you notice any of these, it doesn’t mean a relationship is doomed. It just means maybe proceed with a level head. Keep in the back of your mind that if early signs of a pattern are beginning to emerge, it sets a precedent that could be challenging to shift.
But, also realize that trust and shared experiences can deepen and improve communication — so stay open to the possibility that the dynamic could evolve (without necessarily banking on it).
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Chandra Daru Nusastiawan on Unsplash
