If Someone Is Consistently Inconsistent—That’s a Consistent Pattern!

Pattern recognition and its role in relationships

As a Psychologist and expert in the treatment of gambling addiction, there are a few affiliated areas that get the nerd in me rubbing my hands together, readying myself for a teaching session.

Pattern recognition and decision-making fallacies are two such topics. They are at the very core of gambling addiction, as they can help explain the psychological trap that keeps people playing even when logic says it is high time to stop.

In recent years, and not least with the emergence of dating apps and social media (where people are quickly evaluated and filtered like commodities) I have enjoyed writing about some of the clear parallels to the field of relationships.

We humans are very prone to thinking errors and emotional reasoning, and at no other time are we more vulnerable to this than during moments of heightened emotions and with hope running high. Such is the case in both gambling and love.

In a newly formed relationship, or in those relationships that are driven by high chemistry and ‘connection’ but simultaneously present as dysfunctional, you see just as much of the warped decision-making and deluded assessment of reality as you witness in gamblers who are continuing to gamble hard on the same product that just lost them their life savings.

In imbalanced relationships or those that feature either ‘breadcrumbing’ (when someone gives just enough attention or affection to keep another person interested without any real intention of building a meaningful relationship) or hot and cold patterns, these maladaptive patterns really come to light. Despite this, it is not uncommon to hear abundant excuses, rationalisations and reverse logic that provide the person stuck in the dynamic with more fuel for staying in it rather than trying to generate ways of putting an end to something that is clearly not working well for them.

This article will take you through some of the most common thinking traps when it comes to dealing with inconsistent and mind-boggling relationship dynamics and try to prompt you towards a healthier, broader perspective.

One that is rooted in detachment and healthy relating as opposed to short-term wins, hope and delusion. Learning how to assess your patterns sensibly can spare you vast amounts of pain and suffering by helping you spot, compute and act your way out of relationships that have already revealed their true pattern.

Seeing order in Chaos

Whether it’s a gambler caught up in the illusion of control or someone trapped in the chaos of an inconsistent relationship, I’m often consulted by clients in deep distress. A sense of inner conflict that means the person in front of me is not feeling able to stop engaging with the gambling or partner, despite plenty of evidence to suggest it is not healthy to continue as they are.

As a Psychologist, you’re granted the privilege of being present with people’s pain- without judgment and while holding space for their confusion and hopes.

Ultimately, your job is also to gently help guide them to gain a healthier perspective – Something that’s a lot easier to see from outside their own emotional cockpit.

When we are detached, we have a real advantage in our ability to be rational and sensible in our decision-making. And while remaining detached is certainly easier when you are not yourself involved in a situation, there are still ways of widening your own lens of perspective even at times when stress runs high. Doing so often feels counterintuitive and may, many times, make things feel worse before they start getting better.

As distress grows, our perspective automatically narrows. The brain becomes fixated on quick fixes and outcomes that feel immediately attainable — the emotional equivalent of doubling down on a losing bet

Here’s an example of the kind of conversation I often find myself in:

Them: ‘He/she is so inconsistent — they only want to see me on their terms, and we only meet up when it suits them. What shall I do? I really thought this was it..that I had found my person..Maybe I just need to explain again how much this hurts me….I mean, one time when I did that, they did actually come to their senses and started initiating plans with me again but now their efforts have fallen flat again…’

Me: ‘I hear you, but I’m also aware that this has been happening repeatedly, even after you’ve raised it with them several times…It is starting to become a real pattern where they adjust their behaviour immediately only to then snap right back to their old way..’

Them: ‘Yes, sure, but I think they just don’t understand how important this is for me or maybe they are still learning. I think if I just tell them they will yet again be reminded and ultimately this will help them too as I can stop nagging. Win-win right? ‘

Hmm… not really.

It’s tempting to believe that more explanation or another bout of effort will fix the problem. But the pattern has already emerged.

Their inconsistency in showing up for you, in initiating contact/meet-ups, listening, and trying to be a good partner is already consistent! How many more data points would you need before you look at the overall direction and/or measure the good vs the bad parts with a pinch of dry logic and statistical thinking? If you are unhappy or unsettled more time than you feel settled, it won’t matter that you feel on top of the world from time to time while being around them. You will pay a too hefty price for those emotional highs!

Yes, this kind of logical summarisation sounds dry, depressing and not very ‘relationship-y’, but when people face inconsistency, the brain’s deep desire for order kicks in. As it tries to make sense of what feels “off,” it often gets caught up in forcing cohesion where none exists.

In doing so, the mind compensates. This happens by rationalising, minimising, or giving allowances — rather than accepting the pattern that’s right in front of them.

They are already showing you a consistent pattern. Your job now is to trust and act accordingly.

Betting against the evidence

One of the addicted gambler’s biggest errors in processing happens when they get caught up in the compulsion to gamble more to win back what they already lost. This is a chase that will always lead to further destruction.

Their inability to recognise their own losing trend fuels the drive to want to ‘correct’ the balance, even if doing so equates to gambling harder, riskier and with more associated life factors at stake.

One of my heavy drinkers I treated a few years ago told me after his stern refusal to stay in rehab ….‘I don’t care what the evidence say about the correlation between the length of stay and long-term absistence. If I am going to be able to do it, it will happen straight away.. If not I am destined to fail anyway. The proof is in the pudding’

For this poor man, his failure to reason from a position of straight logic and hearing either the evidence or the professional views of those who treated him cost him his life. He sadly died just a few weeks later from liver rupture after a major relapse. This is despite being highly intelligent and indeed a very logical and savvy individual in most other walks of life. Yet when stuck in a warped mindset that was hooked on being able to control what was already uncontrollable, he made some costly errors in judgment.

The impact of emotion and desperation on the mind cannot be emphasised enough. Instead, gather your actual evidence, use it as data points and make your assessments accordingly.

Relationship patterns do not lie.

A track record of how they treat you starts being generated from the first encounter with a new partner and can continue to be observed the more you get to know them. In building up your own data points, you should also include information on how you feel when you are not together. Are you secure? Do you feel like you trust them? Or is there a sense of anxiety that runs through everything else you are trying to focus on? These things really matter as they tell you whether or not you are in a relationship that will be compatible with living your life.

Is this person adding to your peace and joy of life, or are they taking it away?

Be alert! Unmet needs and old conditioning can bias your perception

If you are someone who comes from a background where emotional needs were not being met or are aware of attachment challenges in yourself, making sense of patterns gets even trickier.

Not only might you operate with a partial blindfold to some of them due to the squashed relationship expectations we often see in those with insecure attachment styles, but you might also be programmed to have a disproportionately excited response to relationship behaviours that, in truth, are pretty ordinary.

Someone responding to a text, agreeing to go on a date or being willing to accept you during a difficult moment should not be seen as a luxury; they should be your bare minimum baseline!

A person showing up for you in a relationship may well be a novel experience for you if indeed you have never experienced it before, but it’s important to separate healthy excitement from premature attachment or over-forgiveness.

To be clear, these behaviours are genuinely good and healthy, but if they appear alongside bouts of neglect, disrespect, or emotional absence they shouldn’t be used to excuse or outweigh the bad parts

If your previously fresh bread is now growing mould, the sensible thing to do is to throw the entire loaf in the bin. Not aiming to eat just the fresh bits.

Following this logic: A relationship that is fragmentarily healthy is not good enough.

Patterns, bias, and the emotional ‘gambler’s fallacy’

Just as gamblers are prone to seeing patterns in random outcomes, often believing that a streak of losses means a win is ‘due’, our brains also try to make sense of relationships, even when the signals are chaotic or inconsistent.

If your perception is further skewed by the lens that unmet needs or insecure attachment give rise to your internal ‘pattern detector,’ it is going to need a bit of overseeing until you have trained it to function more optimally.

To help in this job, here are a few behaviours to put on your ‘watch out for’ list:

• Are you overvaluing rare moments of attention as evidence of love or care while ignoring or downplaying times when you are feeling at an emotional loss, unsettled or left wondering if they even care at all?
• Rationalise behaviours that should signal caution, because your brain is wired to find cohesion where none exists
• Are you underestimating repeated signs of neglect or inconsistency? As mentioned above, by the time inconsistency is presenting on a consistent basis, this should be viewed as a consistent pattern.

When someone shows you a consistent pattern you should believe it. Whether you understand it or not, just recognise that this is the output of whatever is going on for them in relation to you. You will save yourself from wasting gallons of emotion by heeding a pattern that is already stable preseting in front of your very eyes.

Summary and takeaway points

In a nutshell, your emotional system can become a bit like a gambler chasing a win: hoping that the ‘next good moment’ will balance out repeated disappointments.

But unlike a fair game of chance, relationships are not random — the patterns you see are real, and consistently inconsistent behaviours are not flukes. They are part of a greater formation that you might just not be paying attention to.

Recognising this requires stepping back from the immediate emotional highs and lows and asking: If I zoomed out from my own emotions and looked at the broader patterns- what am I noticing?

By doing so, you reclaim the lens of clarity. You begin to see the difference between healthy, baseline relationship behaviours and episodic, attention-driven gestures, and you stop overvaluing crumbs at the expense of your own well-being.

A healthy relationship should leave you feeling nourished, relaxed and regulated more time than not.

Yes, you might think of your partner and miss them a bit when you are apart, but this is different from the experience of the almost chronic unsettled obsessing you see in the more anxious/avoidant dynamics.

Trust and safety are commonly reported in healthy relationships. And while this might differ from dopamine highs and the ‘spikey’ satisfaction from finally getting a message after prolonged waiting, it is important to recognise that spikes of dopamine followed by feelings of anxious anticipation and disappointments do not make for a great way to live or feel in the longer term.

Feeling seen, considered, cared for, and understood can often be completely forgotten about at a time when you are busy overexplaining yourself, trying to convince someone of your value and fearing that you will lose them if you assert yourself. The short-term wins become so preoccupying that you cannot see the woods for the trees.

There is a sense of settled peace that comes with NOT having to think about your relationship or the partner you are with at all times.

Safety and predictability often get equated to ‘boring’ by those with insecure attachment styles but be mindful of assuming that predictability in a relationship is the same as a boring relationship.

Your relationship can be fulfilling and exciting at the time when you are enjoying time together, but without leaving you feeling like you are missing a body part the minute you are not together. Whatever your pattern-detector is doing at the moment, you can change what you tolerate.

Your power lies in the choices you make

You have the power to choose who or what behaviours you allow into your life. On your route to healing, it is important to recognise that your perception and ability to recognise what is good vs unhealthy may still be challenged. Therefore, zoom out and picture your relationship as though you were putting it on a plot. What is the data telling you? Your emotional health and wealth are dependent on your boundaries and ability to weed out what is not good for you. What you experience most of the time with someone is what you will continue to experience with them. Trust it and act on it.

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