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Transcript provided by YouTube. Slightly edited with AI.
The Dangers of Social Media Stalking
Have you ever fallen into the bad habit of obsessively checking someone’s social media when you like them? Perhaps you went on a date, had a great time, and began to realize you really like this person. Then the compulsive checking starts.
The New Version of Stalking
It might not be full-blown stalking, with you showing up at their workplace, but obsessively looking into someone’s life online is a common behavior. People look to see what they’ve been up to, where they went last night, who tagged them in photos, and even details about their past relationships. This has become the norm for so many people.
I want to talk about how destructive this habit can be, how it affects our attractiveness and our ability to be ourselves, and ultimately how it can impede our chances of finding the love we desire.
Understanding Our Behavior
First, let’s acknowledge from a place of self-compassion that this compulsive checking is often an attempt to keep ourselves safe. It’s a way to manage the situation and avoid abrupt rejection or bad surprises. We seek to protect ourselves, but is this really the most effective way?
There’s an appropriate level of looking into someone’s life that can help us gauge compatibility before a date. We might want to see if their social media aligns with the information they shared with us. For example, if their last 20 pictures are of flashy cars and private jets, and you value modesty, you might decide that this person isn’t for you.
The Harm in Over-Checking
However, at what point does this behavior become unproductive? We are not meant to know everything about someone we are trying to get to know. The dating process should involve some mystery and organic discovery. Yet, often, when we decide we like someone, we look for signs of danger—such as worrying whether their ex was better-looking than we are, or if they’re dating other people at the same time.
This obsessive behavior can lead to self-torture and breed insecurity, which ultimately distracts us from being the best version of ourselves in that budding relationship.
Embracing Early Dating Challenges
If you’re listening to this and thinking, “Oh my God, I do this too,” then this video is for you. The first step is understanding that we can’t control everything in early dating; it’s often messy. Most people don’t enter new relationships with a clean break from their past. They might still be talking to others or dating casually without it being a threat to you.
Early dating should be about dialogue—an exchange where one person chooses to continue the conversation. At times, it may be hard to fully embrace that dialogue because we’re worried about who they’re seeing or talking to.
This shouldn’t excuse bad behavior, of course. If you’ve been completely invested and discover that they’re dating several people, that’s a different situation. However, it is essential to allow for some messiness while still getting to know each other.
Shifting Our Focus
A common issue we face is the romantic notion of how relationships begin—with a bang—and that it’s an instant connection just between two people. While some stories are true, it sets unrealistic expectations for the rest of us.
Consider the story of Steve Irwin meeting his wife, Terry. Their account of love at first sight is beautiful, but I doubt he spent his early dating days obsessively checking her social media to see who else she might be interested in. Instead, he was focused on his passion and what made him special.
When we have that passion—be it for hobbies, work, or friendships—we cultivate an attractiveness that overshadows our insecurities. Focus on being busy with your own passions, so you don’t end up checking on someone else’s social media every minute of the day.
The Problem with Competition
Another element we focus on when we stalk someone online is the competition—who else might they be interested in? This is an unproductive distraction. Healthy ignorance can actually help. In life, whether it’s dating or pursuing career opportunities, if we look too hard at the competition, we can psych ourselves out.
When I first pitched my book, I had a bit of healthy ignorance and didn’t allow myself to be intimidated by the publishing landscape. If I had focused on all my competitors, I might have been too nervous to showcase my true self. Confidence in your uniqueness shines brighter than comparing yourself to others.
Taking Action
Social media is an incredibly powerful and sometimes unhealthy tool. It’s easy to fall into the trap of over-checking what someone is doing. Instead, be mindful. If you feel the urge to check on them, ask yourself if it’s useful. If it’s not, redirect your focus to more meaningful activities—spend time with friends, pick up a book, or engage in projects that bring you joy.
James Hollis once said, “Will this diminish me or enlarge me?” Checking social media excessively will only diminish you. Set up triggers to remind you to engage in something enriching instead.
Conclusion
In this conversation about the unproductive behavior of stalking someone’s social media, we also touched on how to make yourself an attractive choice through empowered and confident behavior. Remember, the key to forming lasting connections is to focus on your passions and well-being.
Thank you for watching, and I look forward to seeing you in the next video!
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This post was previously published on YouTube.
Blog → https://www.howtogettheguy.com/blog/ Facebook → https://facebook.com/CoachMatthewHussey Instagram → https://www.instagram.com/thematthewh… Twitter → https://twitter.com/matthewhussey ▼ Connect with Stephen ▼ Youtube → https://bit.ly/StephenHusseyYoutube Instagram → http://bit.ly/StephenHusseyIG
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