If You Want To Keep the Spark, Forget About the Romance

“You know, I think I’ve realized that my love language is physical touch.” Cracking an egg into the pan, I tried to pass this off as casual conversation. I had just finished the hug I forced on him after he came into the kitchen and kissed me. “Well, not for anyone,” I said after I pushed the running stream of egg white back to its body. “But with you, that’s my love language. I don’t want anyone else touching me, but I like it with you.” I swallowed, hoping that’d keep me from saying any more.

There are five love languages: physical touch, acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, and receiving/giving gifts. Most people lean to one or two ways in which they feel most loved and how they show their love to others. You may receive love through one language, but show love through another. Or you may feel and display love with similar expressions.

For example, I show and feel love through quality time. And yet, recently (probably because I have reached my quality time quota — and then some — due to social distancing), I have started to notice other ways I experience love, such as through physical touch.

My husband’s reaction was like a dog whose ears perk up when they hear something they are familiar with, like “treat” or “bone” or “walk.” They do not say anything, but they make it known that they heard it. I knew he heard me, but I do not think he said anything. As I think about it, I am not sure how I knew. Maybe he lifted his head and turned toward me. Maybe he mumbled or said, “Mm,” as in, “I see.”

I am not always good at expressing my feelings when other people are involved. I can talk all day long about my own emotions. But the moment I have to talk about my feelings about a relationship with the person who is in the relationship, I clam up. So his initial reaction of silence, especially when I knew he heard me, was starting to confirm that I should not have said anything.

Fortunately, the response eventually came. After a moment, he said, “I’m going to go to work,” which means plopping down in front of the computer in what we have started calling the office. Our house is not big enough or fancy enough to have a real office. We have nicknamed it the cave, because, well, it considerably lacks a welcoming atmosphere. It is a room without a door in desperate need of a paint job. It has sliding closet doors that cannot stay on their track, a single window, a lone lamp, and boxes piled on top of a loveseat.

As my husband slipped out of the kitchen on his way to the office, he stroked my back.

I knew he heard me!

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Let Them Feel Heard

We have been together all day, everyday since March 14th. That is over seven months. Fortunately, this abundance of quality time has not worn down our marriage like many. We still enjoy being with each other and still love each other very much. However, the novelty of being with our lover all the time has worn off.

Before this year, I genuinely missed my husband during the day. Even when we worked in the same building and his desk was on the other side of a wall, I missed him. The company has an instant messaging system, and, weekly — if not daily — I would message him waving hands. He would message back an extra waving hand. It was work, so we saved the kissing emojis for text. (You can admit it, we are cute.)

We do not get a chance to miss each other anymore. We are normal. Unlike the celebrities who struggle over the abundance of quality time in their multi-million dollar ranches in Montana, we live in a 1300 square-foot ranch. (The meaning of ranch shifting from loads of acreage with views of snow-capped mountains to a one-story house). We see each other constantly and I hear him talking with coworkers and clients frequently.

Still, some days much of the daylight can escape before we interact beyond a smile and wave. He wakes up early with the dog and goes to work around 8 am. I set my own schedule and am not a natural morning person. I am usually waking up when he sits down. His job can be pretty demanding, so he can easily spend 8 am to 3 pm straight in the cave.

This day, however, was different. He seemed to find many more excuses to walk by the dining room table (also known as my desk). He was passing me nearly every hour and every time giving me a new gesture of affection. A kiss on the top of my head one hour. A rub down my arms the next. A massaging squeeze between the neck and shoulder.

You better believe I was thanking God I let my newest love language slip.

I often urge myself to refrain from saying things like I did that morning in the kitchen for fear of being naggy. I would hate filling the stereotype of a nagging wife. Even more, I do not want my husband to feel unappreciated for all of the other things he does to make me feel loved and cared for.

But I am so grateful that I let down my guard that day to let him inside my mind. In return, I felt heard. When I feel heard, I am reminded that he values me and my feelings.

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Let Them Feel Seen

That is one thing Covid has done for our marriage. We have been breaking down our walls, brick by brick, week by week. I have given him a front-row seat to all my issues, imperfections, and insecurities. I also realized that he is not happy-go-lucky one hundred percent of the time. When we spend all day every day with someone, we can no longer hide.

Sometimes, the more we learn about each other, the more my insecurities grow. I desperately want to keep the passion alive and think that means conserving at least some mystery. How could he still find me irresistible after learning that I have been constipated for four straight weeks and that I burp every ten minutes? [This sitting around all the time is not good for my digestion.]

These were things that I could easily tell my best friend but did not necessarily want to tell someone who I hoped would always find me attractive. How confusing when they were the same person! Long story short: striving to stay sexy for your best friend-turned-spouse is exhausting.

But every time I was able to come clean about my humanity, a weight lifted off my shoulders. Before, I was loved because of who I wanted him to see. Now, I am loved despite being seen.

When we feel unseen, the natural response — while dramatic — is that our livelihood is at risk. It is no wonder how freeing it was to be totally honest and vulnerable. The amount of security that brings!

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Commit to Lifelong Learning

When we were thinking about getting married, I would talk to my dad a lot. My husband and I were young (21 and 22) and we did not have much money. While we really wanted to get married, we were — let’s be honest — he was worried it was foolish at the time. (I was too in love to appreciate practicability).

My dad would often respond saying that marriage is not about finances, nor is it even about romance. He said, “You need to figure out if this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Money will come and go, and even romance won’t always look the same. If you can still commit to a life of better or worse knowing what that means, then you should get married.”

Fortunately for us, we decided we were committed, not to a life of prosperity or even to our romance, to each other. (Though, our love was different, so we were golden. *insert eye roll*) Unfortunately, we had no idea what that meant.

As long as children are out of the picture, getting married young was more like living with a boyfriend/girlfriend. It was fun. It was easy.

But with each new year, we have grown to better understand what that commitment was. As we have lived more life and gained more responsibilities, each of us has become a different person. Luckily, we do not expect the other to not be changed by the changes that life brings. If we had, our marriage would be SOL after Covid wormed his dirty little mouth into our community.

Instead, we found that commitment means lifelong learning. Commitment encourages us to continue to learn how to adapt, how to love, and how to be loved.

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Vulnerability and Responding with Love

I have found maybe the key to relationships (and even romance) has nothing to do with what we reveal about ourselves and what we keep hidden. Perhaps it has so much more to do with how we respond to each other’s vulnerabilities.

Throughout our marriage, I have learned that speaking my mind and sharing my insecurities is not so bad afterall. I typically find out that I am still loved.

However, I need to remember that speaking my mind also includes verbalizing that he is still loved when he word-vomits and reveals his imperfections. And to avoid sounding like the nagging wife, I simply must communicate how much I appreciate him and all that he does.

While my 21-year-old self would applaud me for the efforts that make him feel loved, had she seen my bluntness today, she would be crying, “WHY?? What are you doing to your romance?!”

I would tell her, as my father did, forget about the romance. Vulnerability is so much better. Plus, your new love language is physical touch 😉

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This post was previously published on Medium.com.

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